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The Mysteries of Life

Life is quite mysterious in many different ways. It is even more mysterious when we parachute into the middle of the story. This means that we have skipped the introduciton and the opening chapters. However, we are priviledged to be a part of writing the middle and altering the potential endings.

Like with many other things related to adoption, many of these things are universally true of children – just with a few additional wrinkles and somewhat on steroids. One of the mysteries of life which all parents can relate to is why do children get a boost of super hyperjuice when they are tired? And when and why does that change to an exhausted drain of all levels of energy as an adult? It seems that the end of each day has us struggle to just finish out whereas our kids are suddenly bouncing off the walls. In fact it can feel very much like the sugar high rush that parents fear from this time of year. However, the difference is that sugar is usually not the culprit. Instead, it is the product of children who are in a state of being wound up too tightly. For them, living in a heightened state of stress, fear, anxiety, and fight or flight syndrome means that the end of the day can often look like energetic crash. Interestingly enough mom and dad are (hopefully) temporary experiencing a similar thing…but rather than an energy fuel ours looks more like a rapid energy dump. In fact, if anyone could bottle what kids experience, they could make a serious dime replacing energy drinks with a rush far superior.

Another of the mysteries of life is the constantly changing interests. It is almost as if our kids become hyper fixated on a few particular things when then suddenly seem to drop out of favor randomly. The first month it was going to the park every day and now it is playing in our yard and almost never going to the park. Certain fruits and vegetables are in high demand and then suddenly they start piling up from lack of interest. It is understandable that in a world of constantly changing factors, adoptive kids will latch onto the familiar with an almost death like grip. With time, these things will lose their appeal and be replaced or as trust and time pass by, simply be held more loosely.

Now all of this likely sound familiar if you have had experience with kids. But what might not be so familiar is seeing this amongst children who range in age from 9-almost 15. Normally these things are present in children about half that age range in strong doses. This shows how adoptive children are often emotionally and socially years behind their biological age. Age simply is a number which cannot be held onto too tightly with adoption. It means we need to carefully temper our expectations. This also means that we are constantly on the look out to try to gain clues as to where are children are, what might be triggering them, and how to help them make up for lost ground.

Thankfully the Lord continues to uphold us and give us the strength we need. We are also so thankful to see signs of kids getting more comfortable and established. Little indications that their shields are dropping just a bit. The loss that is the cause of all adoptive stories takes serious time to heal. Children learn to cover up pains and hide emotions. Well meaning people think and speak about how wonderful their life is now and how grateful they must be…and they are. But this can add to the layers of cover up and feeling that releasing negative emotions is not allowed. This can cause a stuffing and ignoring the hurt, pain, and significant loss that brings a child to the point of adoption. Time and patiently building trust are some of the greatest tools in this journey. And the mysteries remain of what lies behind the massive question mark that exists before we entered the scene. Thankfully there are no question marks for the Lord and He knows every detail. And we trust He is working to bring about healing, bonding, attachment, and redemption.

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Giving Thanks

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

One of the many aspects of living in another country is that country specific holidays have a very different feel to them. Thanksgiving is a great example. It is a holiday of great importance within the United States. Friends, family, food, and time off are all a few characteristic features. However, in Germany, Thanksgiving is not a reality. Work and school take place as normal. It is not as easy to find the same traditional foods and family live too far away.

For our kids this has an additional impact. Often labeled as third culture kids, children of those living overseas grow up between two worlds. They don’t fully identify with either culture because there are aspects that are missing from both. While we do try to incorporate things as best as we can, it really isn’t possible to fully replicate them.

Yet, one of the things we certainly do hope to pass on in a heart that is focused on thankfulness for the many blessings we have received. We have seen the Lord do so much in our lives. In such a short time, we have experienced personal change, family change, and many other remarkable changes – the benefit of living in the pressure cooker of sanctification for a season. We are thankful for the remarkable developments and bondings we have already witnessed take place in our family. The journey is very far from over (it is really still at the starting line), but the initial few steps have been in the right direction. This is only due to the grace and kindness of God.

We are also so thankful for the remarkable care we have received from MICC. One of the reasons we opted to return to Munich following the adoption was the community we were surrounded by. Yet, we have to say that even our greatest expectations have been exceeded. We have had people checking in on us, sending us encouraging messages, taking time to talk and listen (especially helpful when hard days seem unending), gift cards given, clothing (to where we are now out of space) donated, cars loaned, cleaning services, organizational help, flexibility with ministry, groceries given, extra eyes on kids, translation services, and so many more things. It has been unbelievable how much help has been pouring in and undoubtedly the road would have been immensely more difficult without this. We are so thankful for all the ways we have seen the hand of the Lord at work through the people of the Lord.

We are also thankful for our family. The Lord has put each person into our family in a special way – one not without serious challenges and difficulties, but one which is unique and handcrafted. We praise Him that He is a God who redeems, who rescues, who is patient, who is gracious, and who adopts His children. We pray that we can reflect Him to our adopted children.

Recently one child wrote a thank you card which included the statement – thank you for adopting me. We are thankful daily for the Lord adopting us and we are thankful that He has provided the opportunity for us to adopt others. There are still plenty of difficulties that we face and will face, but we do hope and pray that thankfulness will undergird our path. The Lord is gracious and He is good, His mercies are never ceasing and are new every morning.

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It’s the Little Things

When it comes to the state of our lives right now, it’s the little things that count. And amazingly, the little things seem to count in both directions.

It’s the little things that can push us over the edge. Perhaps it is because we often don’t see those things coming. The big things sometimes seem more predictable in terms of bracing for impact. And it seems like the little things come in more of a rapid succession. How often do you have to tell people to turn off the lights before they will start to remember? How often can things be hidden as a “joke” before it is no longer thought to be funny? How many times can scissors seem to disappear and then other things end up decapitated? How often can the things which get under our skin keep driving us up the wall?

And in the midst of the little things it seems like there is a little lack of logic…but it does at least provide some comic relief. Or perhaps it is laugh instead of cry? Kids racing up right after dinner and then fighting over who is first to brush their teeth. Mind you, this is not because they actually care about dental hygiene. Rather it is because they don’t want to be the last person who then has to turn off all the lights. The laugh/cry part of the logic for us? If they would just recall to turn the lights off right away (the subject of which seems to be on the forefront of their minds already), it wouldn’t take hardly any more effort or time. Or the protestation from an upset child who on investigation is angry because another child is “antagonizing” them. The antagonization? The one child is declaring that they will eat all the pineapple. Now mind you, the pineapple was already dished out on everyone’s plates and everyone had an equal amount. And so we are struggling to figure out why such a bold claim even is bothersome since it obviously can’t be true.

But it’s the little things that that we also hold onto. The little baby steps in the right direction. The small times when a child remembers that going into a dramatic display over a disappointment won’t help them and actually leaves mom and dad more stressed. So instead, they stop mid step and reverse direction. Or the little action of seeking to be helpful or at least a little less stubborn. It is the little things we hold onto…the ones that seem few and far between.

We are still just managing to make to to the end of each day. And we are still getting asked multiple times a day if we are sad, angry, or tired (indications of emotions that have been deeply impactful in past histories). But God is still graciously sustaining us and He is using His local body in amazing ways to do so. We continue to be the beneficiary of so many who call, write, ask, show up, help, care, and loan. And the little things along with the little steps are ever so slowly taking us in the right direction.

We still have a lot of prayer requests and things we are trusting the Lord with – the schooling situation for this year is still not clear and appeals will still need to be launched. Residence permits still have to be applied for which will involve more explanations and complications. But we are thankful that the registration with the local city was finally completed. The citizenship process with the US is still underway with no news surfacing…but we trust God is working through that. Thank you for praying with us! We are thankful that though we don’t seem to know anything, we serve a God who knows everything.

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Fish Tank

Life has felt a bit like a fish tank recently. Fish tanks are interesting because we like to peer in them to study the continents. Except that we aren’t so much looking in as feeling like the ones being examined. Some of this is by design and we are thankful for it. Our desire has been to be as transparent as possible in sharing our adoption. It is our hope to encourage others through the failures and successes, to help others gain insights into the highs and lows of adoption, and most importantly, to point everyone to our glorious God who adopts us and sustains us through this journey. This fish tank is one which we hope will be a blessing to you and encourage you to possibly consider adoption, care for those adopting, and develop a heart for the fatherless.

However, there is another type of fish tank we find ourselves swimming in. Although this likely happens with all ages, one of the interesting aspects of adopting older children is that communication is involved in a way it wasn’t with Elijah. All adoptive children enter into adoption carrying an enormous amount of baggage. The lives lived have significantly altered the way that they see and experience the world. This also impacts drastically the way they build or struggle to build relationships.

Repeatedly over the course of the last few weeks our kids have been studying us to carefully analyze our swimming patterns. The underlying question is how safe is the water? Are there sharks? Are these parents the same as our past experiences? It shows up in different ways from each child. Some of it is observation and hesitation. Some of it shows up in questions being asked of us. Questions like – are you sad? Are you tired? Are you angry? And not just once or twice, but in some cases multiple times a day. No matter what the answer is, there is skepticism in follow up. Statements such as you look happier in these pictures before you adopted us indicate the underlying uncertainties and fears that still exist.

Of course, the hard part of being in a fish tank is that the swimming space can feel very constricted. None of us are perfect and being in pressure cookers and under microscopic examination with constantly rising tensions, the pots do boil over. On the one hand this means that failures, even minor ones, can have a significantly larger impact. Trust has to be built and for those who have only experienced it broken have walls erected that first have to be slowly brought down brick by brick. That is before anything can even hope to be built back up. The concept of walking on eggshells can feel very real for adoptive parents, who are trying very hard not to trigger past trauma without knowing where all the mines are buried.

On the other hand, when failures do occur, and due to sinful natures they eventually will, it provides an opportunity. There is a chance to try to correct wrong reactions that are engrained into the memories of kids. They get to see how we handle our failures even as we are trying to help them learn how to approach their issues. Because it isn’t just that we are being micro-examined, it is that sometimes we are being experimented upon to see how we react. Some of this is intentional, but a good bit is unintentional learned habits and patterns. Unfortunately, we don’t always play the guinea pig as well as we ought to. And our emotional tanks seem to get drained very day…multiple times…and the reserves are somewhere in the rearview mirror…very distantly.

Yet, isn’t it a blessing that the Lord redeems situations that are failures. Thankfully He is sanctifying us and teaching us how to help our children reestablish trust…it is a long term project…very long term…but each step gets us one step closer. And your prayers are a tremendous blessing. We need them and can testify that the Lord is graciously working through them.

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Sleepless in Munich

Adoptions have a funny way of bringing curves and twists – some of which we can see coming and others tend to blindside. After several days of hyperactivity, it was apparent that something was not entirely correct. Yet, the difficulty can be that there are so many possible reasons that narrowing it down can be difficult. Recently mom determined that lack of sleep is at least one of the contributing factors for the girls. We already knew this was an issue for the boys, but it became even more apparent on a recent overnight trip dad took with them. As excited as they were to go, new places, new faces, and new locations means additional stress and anxiety. It also meant they didn’t want to sleep alone nor did they sleep well.

As you might know, lack of sleep combined with stress and anxiety results in emotions all over the place. In fact, if we could bottle up and sell the emotions present in the house by everyone, we would be millionaires. Along with that comes plenty of mistakes from all parties. One of the hard parts is that older children come with imprinted memories. This also means that actions, words, tones can sometimes trigger recollections of darker times. Even though this is not our intention, it can cause some set backs. However, it also gives us the opportunity to model apologies, swallow our pride, and seek to empathize…all things that we are not nearly as good at as we would like. In fact, one thing we are learning is that if you want to end each day feeling good about yourself – don’t adopt. We slide into each evening with reverberating thoughts about all we could have, should have done and said. Perhaps this is one of God’s pressure cookers of sanctification.

We were thankful to celebrate a birthday today and even more thankful that dollar store toys can generate happiness. It was also a blessing to get a call saying that we can now proceed with the city notification of residence for our kids. Next week we will hand in the final paperwork and get this step done which is needed for many other aspects. Slowly we are learning foods which will be eaten without too much push back and we are seeking to gradually establish more routines.

There are still plenty of challenges and we still feel like we are just barely managing to make it to the end of each day. Yet, we also don’t want to ignore the blessings the Lord continues to shower on us. We have kids who are really great and have wonderful attributes. We have an amazing church family who continues to help in all kinds of ways. We have so many people, just like you, praying for us…something we have never been so aware of needing so desperately. And God’s heart toward adopting us, His patience with us, and His forgiveness of us all seem a little more real when walking through adoption ourselves.

Now…if we can just manage to get everyone to get enough sleep…

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Yoyo-ing Along

Our lives feel like a bit of a yoyo at the moment. We do our best to remind ourselves that there is (hopefully and prayerfully) a time when the speed of the yoyo will slow down a bit. But when scissors are taken to things other than paper, toilet paper rolls end up submerged, complaining never seems to cease, disappointment over not getting everything desired at this moment, and mom and dad already feeling overwhelmed it can seem like our bouncing up and down is happening rapidly in a single day.

We are thankful for the prayers, the notes of encouragement, the gracious offers to help, the things dropped off and given to us, a car and groceries passed along. And we praise the Lord that even when we are at our most overwhelmed, we have been blessed with fairly good kids who, though they drive us nuts at times, also show kindness and care. The Lord is always at hand even when the dark skies seem to blot out the sun.

We managed to get some routines slowly established and some basic schoolwork in place. Our children pick things up well and fairly rapidly, showing that much of their delay is due to unfortunate circumstances rather than competence issues. Time is what they need and devoted attention. However, that is a struggle to given when our attentions are divided 5 ways already, not counting our other obligations. So even though it feels like we are the proverbial boy who is throwing starfish back into the ocean with a beach full to go, we try to remind ourselves as well that though we might not be able to get to them all, we can save the one in our hands.

And at the same time, it is easy to forget how much pressure and stress we are all under. Children are facing a massive amount of new information and sensory overloads every day. We are also in a similar position although it can be much harder for us to spot because there is so much more familiar to us. And it always seems like the “to do list” not only keeps getting longer, but it also keeps getting more complex. Renewing Michelle’s residence permit has turned up requests for some things we weren’t expecting (like proof of having completed language courses and being currently enrolled), the filing for registration in our city takes much longer and is not so clear (tomorrow is our appointment), doctors visits need to get scheduled soon, dentists, and the clocks just seem to speed up. It certainly feels like we are in a pressure cooker which is probably why the yoyo ride seems even more intense and we are all a little less well behaved and a little more on edge.

Yet through this we are reminded of how God is patient with us, how He is gracious beyond all measure. That the things He calls us to, He doesn’t just abandon us in. Rather, He walks alongside us and it is His strength that we need. Thankfully, we are able to discover alongside Paul, that His strength is perfected in our weakness. And He continues to bring others alongside us to help, to encourage, and to uphold.

His hand holds the string and He controls the tempo…so while the yoyo might seem to be giving us motion sickness, in His hands, it is actually producing a glorious harmony and combination of masterful brilliance.

And one day, we trust we will be able to look back and stand amazed and the majestic skill He displays.

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The Fellowship through Christ

It was a true joy for us to be back in fellowship at our local church in Munich. There is an indescribable joy in being in the presence of fellow believers – perhaps this is one aspect of what Christ means when He tells us that the Sabbath was made for man. Gathering together for worship breathes life into weary souls. And to say we haven’t been weary souls would be to simply put a mask on reality. The return to Germany has not been easy. For all the difficulties we face in Brazil, having dedicated time and dedicated finances intended to help facilitate bonding has been an incredible blessing. Having done two adoptions now, we are very thankful for the time requirement in Brazil. Even though it adds a lot of additional finances and puts a strain on holiday time, there is really a lot to be said for focusing so much attention on family without anything else interrupting. Ironically enough, our first adoption was almost as long in country, but under very different circumstances. Luke was there alone for most of the time and it was under the stress of not knowing when we would get residence permit approval to be able to leave. It was a blessing to be together in Brazil and to have these weeks set aside just for this purpose.

That being said, it does make transitions much more difficult. We spent a lot of time together and suddenly kids are having to adjust to not having dedicated attention by parents. There was freedom to do what we wanted, to focus on engaging with our kids and building memories. Suddenly that freedom doesn’t exist as easily – there are household chores, yardwork, work responsibilities, etc. From a child’s perspective this must feel like being dropped into the deep end of the swimming pool. The level of change these children have faced over the last 2 months is quite astonishing – it is more than many people face over the span of several years. Moving countries, leaving everything behind, facing everything new, and then to do it with changing family structure and dynamics. You might imagine how hard that could be especially when you mix in time changes.

With all of this happening, we felt like we were somewhat limping into church this morning. Yet, even getting there was filled with acts of generosity and grace: a loaned car that allowed us to drive when Munich decided to do massive renovation work on public transportation, a willing translator who sacrificed his Sunday to help kids understand the sermon, a housewarming set of groceries and food, an impromptu ride home for Luke, additional clothing and gifts. Our emotional tanks were more than a little drained because trying to care for kids can often mean setting aside caring for yourself. The transition has not just been hard for little ones, but big ones too. Resuming workloads is always difficult – this is why Mondays are stereotypically dreaded. Yet, through it all, the Lord’s sustenance continues to be visible and today it was on full display through His people. We are so thankful for how He provides for us, cares for us, and lifts us up – and we are thankful He does that through you all.

What a joy it was to see so many and how that helped us walk through the fog of the transition. The number of people spending time with us, seeking to care for us, praying for us, and encouraging us has been a blessing. We are thankful.

Difficult days lie ahead and difficult days lie behind. Every transition involves setbacks and the feeling of spinning wheels. With time, traction is regained. And in the midst, it is a blessing to be surrounded by a wonderful community – both those near and those far. The many wonderful remarks to these posts have been uplifting, the emails and WhatsApp messages a blessing. The picture of the Body of Christ at work is glorious indeed. And on a day when we celebrated the birthday of our youngest, it was just what the Great Physician ordered. Thank you for helping us walk this path filled with incredible, deep, profound hardships and also overflowing with amazing, delightful, inexpressible joys.

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Two Edged Sword

We were so thankful to have a day without a drop of rain! This was a special blessing and despite the cool water temperatures, it meant that the kids were out at the pool and the beach all day. The wonderful thing about this is that it allowed us to take full advantage of our location! Having a mini vacation to end our time in Brazil has been a huge blessing. We have really needed some time to catch our breaths…although in reality it is more like time to gasp for air before going back under again in rapid dunk fashion. You see playing out all day has a downside to it – everyone is tired and this means emotions are high and fuses are very short. The two edged sword that cuts.

Today had multiple conversations with multiple children over multiple incidences that left feeling hurt, people moving to separate themselves, and mom and dad having to divide and conquer. These are opportunities to build upon and correction can actually be a powerful tool in the hands of a gracious God. But it does have an emotional cost and keeping emotional tanks above empty is not always easy.

Along the way we continue to see the strengths of our children. We remarked how blessed we have been in so many ways. There are many easily conceivable situations that could have been much, much more difficult. Yet, every strength has a corresponding weakness to it. A more empathetic child can also bruise much more easily. An independent easy going kid can also turn out to be extraordinarily stubborn. A tolerant child can be slow to recover when too many switches have been flipped. A child who can be very witty and humorous can also be very sarcastic and imitating poor behavior in an attempt to gain an audience. A sweet, happy kid can swing to angry and very vocal when things aren’t hitting her correctly (for any of a million reasons). A two edged sword that slices.

Thankfully the Lord is in the business of smoothing out jagged edges and polishing up shiny spots. He takes rough stones and redemptively transforms hearts to create diamonds through His salvific activity. It is our desire that He would graciously draw each of our children to Himself in His good timing. Until then, it is our prayer that He will give us wisdom to continue to point each of them to Him.

And as we seek to do that, we are thankful that we currently have access to unlimited levels of caffeine…at least until we have to leave this place (anyone want to help sponsor a lifetime supply?).

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New Experiences and Insights

As we wind down the clock on our time in Curitba, we are seeking to spend some time investing in things which will be unique experiences and hopefully build good memories. With that in mind, we asked our support person if she could recommend a Brazilian BBQ place as we had not done this yet. She encouraged us to arrive close to opening time for lunch in order to get a table quickly without a reservation. We took that advice, but still had to wait about 40 minutes – it is one of the most popular and expensive places in town. The meat was delicious and the food was fantastic. It was certainly worth the experience! However, this trip yielded some confirmation of some of our insights. Our kids get stressed out by crowds. It is the little things that point this out – eyes darting all about, the challenge of not being able to sit still suddenly or always on the edge of the seat, the lack of appetite (especially a pity when an all you can eat place costs that much!), etc. Throw in kids who have likely almost never been in restaurants before and it can make for a significantly more stressful experience than we anticipated. Thankfully we avoided any meltdowns and did manage to get them to use forks most of the time (with lots of reminders).

We went to a park afterwards and the difference was quite noticeable. They were much calmer and more relaxed. The weather was beautiful and it was nice to see the sun shining again after multiple days of rain. The rain also meant high humidity over the past few days – which meant clothes not drying at all. This is especially traumatic when we are basically running the washing machine non-stop. But we were glad that today all the loads finally dried out. The dry clothes also gave dad an excuse to pull the oldest child away to “help” and have a longer conversation about something that had bothered him a lot on the walk back home. Over the past few days we have had multiple conversations with kids who have gotten feeling hurt and upset. These sometimes feel like hostage negotiation settings, but allow us to, prayerfully, start to help kids learn new means of conflict resolution. They also provide opportunities to talk through important issues, learn about communication (and in two different languages), and build trust. Our kids have grown up in environments where when things hurt them, their only recourse was to act out or run away. The concept of talking through things is almost completely foreign to them. In fact, one of the kids mentioned this as a stark contrast to their previous life – no other adult has ever talked with them and sought to resolve conflicts in this manner. This also means that it takes a lot of patience to help them learn this process and for them to be willing to talk with us (especially when the hurt feelings are directed at us or something we might have said).

Thankfully we don’t keep ice cream in the house…otherwise we might be in a constant comatose state after bed time. We feel like regulating our emotions in this way – but instead we are picking up clutter and not having enough energy to really enjoy the 1 free hour we have. Yet, despite it all, we are very grateful. The Lord has done a lot in the last month. We are confident He will do more in the months to come. Progress is slow and painful at times. But God is refining us and shaping them. There are plenty of mountains yet to climb, but we know the Lord will continue to sustain us.

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Waterfalls

Today we had the privilege of visiting Foz do Iguacu. It is located on the far western side of the state of Parana (the same state Curitiba is in) and is about an 8 hour drive. Yesterday we got up extremely early to make the drive. Thankfully the kids did reasonably well despite the distance and the very cramped quarters (apparently Chevrolet Spins are the largest possible vehicles to rent). We found a hotel with a pool, which the kids have been loving yesterday evening and this evening. Today we went to the national park to tour the waterfalls by foot and also opted to take a boat ride which gets quite close to the lower level of waterfalls.

The sights were absolutely spectacular! It was an incredible display of God’s creation and artistic handiwork. As we got close to the waterfall, we were sprayed and soaked with the cold water. It was a shock to the senses and made it difficult to stand in one spot for very long despite temperatures in the upper 80s F, low 30s C. Watching this beauty was another reminder of adoption itself. Adoption is a gloriously beautiful gift that the Lord bestows upon all His children and that He has blessed our family to walk through. When you stand back to admire the view, it is absolutely astonishing and incredible in its color. But, at the same time, the closer you get, the more the power of the water and the constant breeze leaves you soaked and a bit shocked.

We saw both the beauty and shocking side on display today. A child helping another in a loving way. One kid throwing his arm around another kid who had tripped and taken a tumble. At the same time, a level of intentionally irritating another child that is frustrating (to say the least). Sarcasm which is understood by the parents who speak enough of all languages, but which is not picked up on by other kids who aren’t fluent certain languages yet. Beauty and chaos all mixed together.

Yet, there are definitely some glorious diamonds in the rough. We pray that the Lord will soften hearts and lives and allow us to lovingly mold them. There are small signs of hearts being impacted – a discussion about Jesus and God which leaves the theologian struggling to figure out how to explain the Trinity to a 14 year old in a language that dad struggles to speak in. An 11 year old asking if we can sit down and read the chapter in the Jesus Storybook Bible about the crucifixion because we haven’t made it that far yet, but he is really interested in it. Very small steps, but ones which are encouraging nonetheless. In the midst of so much emotional, spiritual, and physical damage, we are clinging to whatever glimmers of hope the Lord graciously puts in our path. And the thing about waterfalls is that they are fueled by massive rivers which turn into powerful forces. We don’t know hardly anything about our kids lives before September 1st. But we do know there is a massive river of hurt, pain, broken promises, abandonment, failure, and harm which is fueling it all. But God can take that and paint a grandiose landscape which leaves the world in awe.