Tag: life

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When Life Gives You Lemons

LS

As the saying goes, when life give you lemons, make lemonade! The past several weeks have been full of goodbyes and letting go. Learning how to handle them and how to navigate emotions can be difficult. Regulation is not something we are born naturally knowing how to do.

We have been incredibly blessed by all the amazing love, care, and support that has been poured out upon us. We could not have asked for a sweeter, kinder, more heartfelt farewell. It made us realize how much of a family we truly had surrounding us and also made leaving all the harder.

Interestingly, our kids experienced this in a different way. They loved the gifts, kinds thoughts, love and embraces they received from everyone. And yet, for most of them, there wasn’t the same level of investment. Leaving has been a different experience for us as parents and for our first adopted son whose closest connections were in the church. For our other kids, they were coming in as outsiders for a short period of time. Yet, they were able to build connections and friendships in a short period of time.

Our final Sunday was especially emotional. We were very thankful for the time at MICC and, though the full weight of the emotions hasn’t hit us entirely, it did hit us sufficiently. In fact, the first remark from our kids after the final service was that this was all their fault and we are having to leave because of them. Now, before anyone reading this worries that they might have said something that might lead to this, we do want to assure you this was not the result of any particular comments. Rather, it is an underlying concern that surfaced…a concern that can often occur when major change happens that is perceived as negative. Children often feel that perhaps things they did or said led to this and it can cause anxiety and concern.

As we have mentioned in the past, adoptive children are not necessarily different in this sense. Rather the difference lies in the degree and the intensity. They know what it is like to lose everything, even if the result ends up being better. And they also know that a driving force behind the change was the adoption. However, until the goodbyes, it didn’t quite sink in about how difficult, sad, and emotional this would be for everyone, mom and dad included, and for the church. Before that, it was just changing one location not well known or invested in for another.

It is certainly understandable why they would draw this particular conclusion. Life has given them some serious lemons – ones that are more sour than just this event and ones that keep resurfacing whenever other lemons are handed out. Their lemons are more sour than most people ever get in their entire lives. Yet, lemons provide an opportunity despite their sourness. We had the chance to talk about how family is more important to us, how we trust that God is using this to move us in His direction, that this was our decision – not their fault and that we are so thankful for them. Though the transition is difficult and we don’t want to deny that, our family comes before our location of ministry or type of ministry. It also gives us the chance to share that the harvest is ripe all over – it is not difficult to find another field to work in…it will not be the same, it won’t have the people or the same connections, but the work is not scarce. Our family, on the other hand, is not replaceable in any sense. The health of our family and the needs of our family are a higher priority.

You see, God provides an opportunity to use the lemons to squeeze the lemonade of trust, love, and a firm foundation. It will take time, lots of repetition, and these feelings don’t disappear overnight. But, by God’s grace, lemonade can be produced.

Of course there is much more to share…mom and dad have been busy with goodbyes, packing, preparing, and helping everyone regulate that we haven’t been able to fully process things ourselves. But we are thankful for the glimpse the Lord has blessed us with into how He is working. In the lives of His family, the Body of Christ, and in the lives of our family. Divine lemonade, sweet, refreshing, and redemptive.

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Always Lurking Around the Corner

LS

You have probably felt like you always wished you know what someone else was thinking. Although, you might have also had the experience of learning what they were thinking and wishing you hadn’t know. Time and trust are needed for anyone to open up and especially those who have traumatic backgrounds. But there is always something lurking around the corner in adoptive children’s minds…something which makes its reappearance when things feel unsettled.

A recent conversation brought this to light. In response to the question what is your greatest fear, one child, after pensively considering the question, said, “Going back to an orphanage and especially one that was worse than the one we were in.” They had heard stories of other orphanages and what went on there. In asking if they were concerned this might happen, they responded by saying, “No, I don’t think it would really happen, but I am not really sure.” They also shared about another child they know who cycled back and forth from family to orphanage after issues with the placement family. But, they also recognized this was a different situation that they didn’t think similar to our family at all.

But this just illustrates that there is always a fear, an uncertainty lurking just around the corner. It never really goes away. And it likes to reemerge when things begin to feel unstable. It isn’t just seen in words either. Behavior can be another manifestation. Our mischievous kids? Well part of it is just plain mischievousness. However, even that is exacerbated by transitions and the monster lurking around the corner. It goes on overdrive and looks like it is on steriods.

Of course it is one thing to cognitively know this and another thing to live it. We can try to remind ourselves and make sure our responses factor this in…and yet, in the heat of the moment, monsters can seem out of sight and out of mind. And of course, there is no guarantee that the monsters will ever go away entirely. But, with much patience, prayer, and by the grace of God, they can shrink and be met with assurances that family is forever and nothing can change that. This is the beauty of the work of God – it can redeem even that which seems destructive and provide an opportunity out of a nightmare. We pray we can continue to model the security and love of God to our children…and each other even as we are also trying to balance our own chaos and rollercoaster ride.

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Some Days You Just Get By

LS

Life can be overwhelming at times. And our has seemed to have plenty of days when survival is a success in our books. It’s not necessarily one overwhelmingly, big thing. It is more like the cumulative effect of a million little things.

Take some of our kids. We have a few who are the dictionary definition of mischievous. Of course every child has a bit of this in them. But we are talking about months of mischievous behavior that can leave us exhausted both physically, but especially emotionally. What do we mean by mischievous? Things keep happening that they know aren’t supposed to occur and that we have sought to take measures against, but that they still keep finding ways to do. Our garden hose keeps getting turned on and left on despite removing all the attachments so that it cannot actually be used…but it does slowly drip a bit until we notice it was left on…again…not to mention the night Luke returned late to discover it was disassembled and undone.

The shower is another crime scene. We have removed the spray nozzle from the shower and the nearby bathtub because water was getting sprayed all over the bathroom despite us trying to talk about this, clearly explain the rules, and ask them to not use the nozzle. Despite the nozzles being removed completely, water is still getting into the bathtub (which is not being used). Body wash has been disappearing at an extremely rapid rate. Our attempt at a solution? Use a pump bottle so that the cap would remain on, closed, and not dumped all over the floor. The mischievous counter play? Take the pump top off and dump it sideways in the bathtub right after it was refilled. Floor mats have been laid and instructed to be kept down to keep the water in the bathroom. Towels need to be kept in the bathroom to avoid being left on the wood floor (despite repeated requests). Despite that, we go up to discover water coming out of the bathroom onto the wood floors, with soaking wet towels used to mop some of it up and then left, naturally, on the wood floor.

We know these are minor things that happen in households around the globe. And normally they are frustrations that we try to resolve, protect against, and patiently use to teach. However, some days we are just barely getting by…and it just seems to be more than a bit over the top.

Some days you just get by. Making it to the end of the day with everyone alive and our sanity very barely intact can seem like a success…or perhaps a survival tactic.

But, one of the interesting features of barely making it to the end of the day m, gives us an opportunity to see how God grants new mercies each day. That promise has new meanings for us. Some days His mercies are overflowing and we navigate the challenges they way we would love to. Other days His mercies are sufficient for us to barely get to the end…and it doesn’t look pretty…and we aren’t always in our best form…but nevertheless, His mercies are evident and for that, we are incredibly grateful. Because some days you just get by…but all days it is by the mercies of God which are new each day.

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Learning to Play

LS

As we have been on the adoptive journey for over 7 years now, we have taken an interest in learning from others who have been down similar roads. There are many things that can be gained from the experiences of others and it is helpful to hear the perspectives of those walking a familiar path. One of the interesting concepts that has popped up from time to time has been how those in foster care or in adoption often struggle to use their imagination.

In part this ought to make sense – for much of their lives their mental capacities have been occupied with survival. Even things like transitions and change occupy a significant amount of our energy reserves. Moving from one place to the next fills us with a lot of busywork, which is necessary to accomplish. This means that we often temporarily set aside hobbies, free time activities, leisurely things. For us, we make a short term sacrifice in order to set up something long term. We know that we will resume these things before too long and so there isn’t any great harm in sacrificing them for a bit. However, for kids who are facing signficant challenges – often much greater than what most adults face in their lifetime – including constant change, you can imagine how much of their brain space gets devoted to this. Finding ways to survive and to handle transitions occupies an enormous part of their processing abilities.

What this can lead to is a lack of space, safety, and ability to do the leisurely. To learn how to relax – because the guard was always needing to be up and high. It can also mean things like play can almost seem like a foreign concept. This is something we often don’t think too much about because it is a skill which is often developed early in life when there is a stable situation at home, with parents who engage their young kids in play. Space and security help to foster these imaginative abilities. By the time kids reach early adolescence, play becomes both normal and a bit of an expertise.

So it can be strange and somewhat surprising for older adoptees to not really know how to play. This shows up in a variety of ways – it might be moving very rapidly from one “game” to the next because after a very short period of time they have run out of developed imaginative abilities. It isn’t so much that they are bored, but that they are bored because they don’t really know what else to do far faster than average. It also might mean that they don’t actually play with toys or just a very select few, because they aren’t sure how to actually make up a scenario in their heads. And this may differ with age. Our younger ones do better at playing than the older ones, because they have been just slightly less impacted by the transitions and changes…or have been impacted for less overall time.

A way this is practically seen is in how our Lego collection lay unused for months. Now, not everyone enjoys Legos and there is nothing wrong with that. However, the older children always gave the excuse that Legos were boring and never even gave it a try. Several weeks back, however, something changed. One of the kids finally decided to give Legos a try. He even convinced dad to spend a bit of time playing with him as they set out to build the most decked out car possible. Soon some of the other kids wandered in and gave it a go. While Legos are not suddenly the hottest new thing, nor do they spend significant time playing with them, what has been interesting is that all of the kids will now and then pick up the Legos. In fact, rather than calling them boring, they have now said they like Legos and find them interesting.

What is happening? They are starting to learn how to play. Expectations have to be changed – think about a baby…they are quickly bored of whatever toy they have in part because they haven’t yet developed skills how to play. Parents over time, teach this to their infants and with time more and more energy is spent on the same toy and it can happen more independently. Our children are starting more from the beginning in some senses. They won’t play with any particular toy very long still. But with time, they are starting to slowing develop their imaginations. They are slowly learning how to play. They are getting to go backward in time in order to catch back up on things that they never had. This is one more illustration of how biological age can be very misleading. A child’s age might be 15 or 13 or 10, but their abilities in certain areas might be more like 8 or 6 or 5. But with a lot of time, patience, and care, the gap can be closed. And even older kids can learn the wonderful skill known as “play”.

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Charting a Course

LS

Navigation requires having a plan, charting a course, and then preparing for chaos on the open seas. After much prayer, careful consideration, and discussion, we have a course heading in the midst of the tempest we seem stuck in. Of the two options, neither of which was great, we have decided to set sail for the UK where we can enter on a 6 month tourist visa (both nationalities) and prayerfully see the N600-K citizenship process come to completion in that time frame.

Now that we have a heading, the work of getting underway begins in earnest. We can start to fix dates and work backwards. Several friends of offered to help with storage, many more offered to help in any way needed. MTW is working to help us get set up and for Luke to pulpit supply in a church with a pastoral vacancy. We can begin looking into concrete travel plans, make arrangements for handing over the house, canceling various services, and brining this time in Germany to a close.

There are still significant hurdles in our path. The N600-K average wait time in St. Louis was recently updated to 65 months. It is absolutely inconceivable to us how 8.5 months can suddenly jump to 65 months…or why a process only designed for adoptive children of US citizens who live overseas would take 65 months to complete even in the worst of settings. We are hoping our lawyer can help us refile in a different city with a shorter wait time (which we have to believe is pretty much every other city) and to push for a fast completion. However, even with that we will be resetting the time clock as a transfer will lose any progress thus far. The bright side is that with a 65 month wait time, we are relatively certain nothing has been done with our case in St. Louis and so we likely aren’t actually losing any time.

We are also still in process for the Brazilian passport renewal. We need these passports to come back so that we can apply for the electronic travel permission to enter the UK. Thankfully that is a relatively straightforward and quick process, but we would like to be able to wrap that up as soon as possible and have one less thing hanging over our heads. Based on estimated timelines of 6 weeks, this would put us pretty close to the beginning of July, cutting things a bit tighter than ideal.

As you can see, we still have plenty of prayer topics and things we are trusting the Lord with. The waters do not look smooth at all and we anticipate storms ahead. However, we are thankful to have a course heading, it means we can raise the anchor and start setting off. Though we don’t know how the journey will play out, we do know the One who controls it all – and we are thankful to be in His hands.

Adoption is not for the faint of heart…and though we know that, we do feel like this journey has been even more tumultuous than “standard”. But then again, none of our adoption journeys have gone even close to plan or “standard”. Thankfully God is sovereign even when things are not “standard”.

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Becoming Reality

LS

We have known for a long time that our time in Germany had an expiration date. We talked about it, prayed about it, began making plans for it. We shared it with our kids early on in order to help them prepare their expectations – they have always known we would only be in Germany until July. And yet, as the saying goes, out of sight, out of mind.

As you might imagine, they have be overwhelmed with so many things – new people, new language, new schedules, new rules, new family, new customs, etc., that they haven’t really had much time to process anything else. With July approaching, we have continued to reference our end date and yet, it wasn’t much more than another piece of information for our kids. This week that all changed as it has started becoming reality.

What are some of the things which brought this into reality? Boxes have started emerging in the house and things have gone into them. The way the house looks is different now and things that had been there since they arrived, are suddenly packed away. Added to that is the calendar of for after dinner chores which has a few dates blocked off – one of which is the farewell party. And the farewell party itself, now being announced. These are all things which have ushered reality in.

Each child has responded a different way, as they each have different stress responses. One child has been much more irritable than normal and short fused. Another has been emotionally very down and struggling with sadness. One child has been even more of a copycat than normal. Another has been very clingy and attention demanding. And another has been more dramatic than typical. Needless to say, trying to help 5 kids regulate themselves feels like more than a full time job. And it is amazing how much emotional rollercoasters can be draining.

What is also interesting is how many of these things feel like throw back reactions. Change, for adoptive children, can trigger what almost appears to be a setback. Moving backwards is part of the journey. Thankfully, now that we are toward the end of the week, we are seeing some of the kids (not all), get a bit more regulated. Of course, there is no telling what and when they will be set off again. That is the challenge with the reality hitting home. It seems to randomly strike and when it does, it can often strike hard. But this does provide an opportunity to try to help kids learn how to say goodbye well, how to handle difficult emotions, that it is okay to struggle with sadness even while looking forward to the future.

And there is always more than what meets the eye. Not too long ago, they had to say goodbye to the only life they had ever known. Changes and transitions can bring up more than just the immediate hardships, it can bring back the big transition they recently went through as well. And this is a lot of transition…a lot for anyone…and definitely a lot of young people. It is all becoming reality…and sometimes reality packs a punch. But we are thankful that the Lord walks through all the valleys with us and leads us through the hard times. We are also grateful that in the Lord, goodbyes are never permanent, only temporary. And we trust the Lord will give us opportunities to reconnect again before the great reunion. In the meantime, we will be trying to survive the rollercoaster and learn to enjoy the ride, helping kids to learn how to regulate well and trying to not forget that reality hits us too.

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When it all Comes Flooding Back

LS

Do you remember your feelings as you first starting gaining independency? The first time you were left at home by yourself? Perhaps you were nervous and yet still somewhat excited. Maybe you were worried a bit about how it would go, but still thrilled to finally be old enough.

Recently we had a situation where Luke was running as fast as possible to get the weekly shopping done, but a dental appointment that was moved up meant that Michelle needed to leave before Luke could make it back. We had a plan, it was just going to be 10 minutes. Lunch would get started just as Michelle left, they wouldn’t finish before Luke arrived back. A small step of independency with kids who are all old enough for most families to have no concern about this.

And yet, ours is not an ordinary family. We were both independently worried that this might not go over well with the kids. You see, most kids are eager for this stage of independence and to show their maturity. However, ours are not most kids. Then it happened – a temper flared from one child to another as mom was trying to get out the door. This was quickly addressed and then there was running to catch the bus. Luke arrived home less than 10 minutes later. The kids didn’t even have time to leave the table from lunch. Yet, all of them poured out the door to both let Luke know they were home alone and to help with the groceries (which, like many families, is a bit unusual unprompted).

Then there was the aftermath. Lunch was finished, but there was unquestionably a tremendous amount of nervous energy. One child couldn’t stop laughing hysterically at things that really weren’t funny. Another child was on edge. One was unable to sit still and another was non-stop talking about nonsensical things. Watermelon was added to the lunch before chips…it slowed all the kids down as Luke also tried to address and draw to their attention that their hyperactive state was likely due to being briefly alone, but now was a time to calm down especially since they were along no longer.

What was happening? Well, one child continued to be struggling with his attitude days afterwards. As this was addressed, the answer came out. It was what we had already suspected, but was then confirmed. Being left alone, brief as it was, as much as we did everything to assure them it was short, they had an activity, and dad was on his way back, triggered something. It triggered a past and the trouble with triggers is that it all comes flooding back. This particular type of independency was not filled with excitement or thrill…other types have been…but this one brought back a nightmare.

Unfortunately, not knowing exactly what happened in the past means that, while we can guess what might trigger, we can’t always know for sure. Furthermore, life happens sometimes and as much as we try to guard against them, some triggers are unavoidable. And when it all comes flooding back, behavior changes without realization. And sometimes we don’t realize it either. This can make addressing behavioral issues a bit of a puzzle. If it is caused by a trigger, simply clamping down on the behavior won’t fix the problem and might actually cause more damage. Thankfully, in this instance, we were able to see the dots connect and open the door to discuss the trigger event. Opening up will likely take years. Just a tiny crack happened, but it was a chance to reassure that we are here, would love to listen, want to help, and yet the story is not our own and so when they are ready and only then should they feel free to share.

One baby step at a time to try to help do post flooding damage control. Thankfully the Lord brings healing even to the most flooded of places.

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What Lurks in the Darkness

LS

One thing that we have seen to be common amongst all of our kids is a significant disliking of being alone and especially in the dark. More than just a dislike, it is probably more accurate to describe it as a fear. This means that our kids won’t stay by themselves for very long. Even if they are playing on their own, they will tend to check back in to make sure nothing has happened and that we haven’t disappeared. Doing schoolwork is something they don’t want to do by themselves and would rather be in the same room as one of us. This means if someone has to leave, they will migrate to where the other person is.

An overnight trip with one of the kids showed this. While Luke had to attend a conference, the accompanying child was working on his school in the hotel room. Despite it being a sunny day, all the lights were on – in every possible location. And they stayed on, even after going to bed. Because darkness and time alone both bring unconscious concerns of danger, desertion, and can almost trigger a bit of panic.

Over much time, this can slowly change. Bedroom doors can be closed at night without causing fear or concern. Lights don’t always have to be on and they don’t always have to be in the same room all the time. These are all positive signs that kids are beginning to feel more comfortable, safe, and secure. Independent baby steps are not signs of distancing, but actually positive indicators that the environment has been established firmly enough to leave a sense of stability. And it is even more positive when it is self initiated – this shows they themselves feel at ease and not always on edge.

Despite, this, change can trigger old wounds. A new location brings back the old fears. A parent leaving for long periods of time can leave them less settled and secure. There are hundreds of factors – some of which we can anticipate, but many of which we cannot. And quite often, our children are not necessarily cognizant of this…it is more of an ingrained response that is automatic.

And yet, slowly, but surely, one day at a time, these fears can slowly subside. The darkness retracts just a bit more and the threat is slightly less imminent. There are many ways in which this reflects our spiritual journey. Old habits die hard and fears seem to constantly terrorize us. Yet our heavenly Father is incredibly patient and walks us through each phase. And step by step we move a little further away from the old and into the new.

What lurks in the darkness can be terrifying, but the light can break through and change all of this. It is gradual, doesn’t happen overnight, is sometimes two steps forward and several steps back. But it is possible to overcome. What lurks in the darkness doesn’t always have to lurk. It can be driven away through an abiding peace.

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Changing Paces

LS

The Christmas season brings with it a mad rush that culminates is an exhausted break. For adults, we are used to the rhythm and anticipate it. However, for kids, the anticipation of Christmas can bring with much change and change is both exciting and disruptive. No one wants to go to school, but after a day or two, the change in schedule and the additional unoccupied time can suddenly leave kids feeling bored and out of their routine. Thankfully we can also see some progress being made – the feelings of boredom were definitely present, but caused less tension and stress than in the past. This go around it approached more of a “normal” level of complaints due to boredom.

And with Christmas came things which could help occupy attention. The gifts were exciting and much anticipated. We also managed to keep it at a good level and avoided overstimulation due to too much excitement. The slight snowfall also helped occupy attentions as our kids had never seen snow. This meant that Christmas was a mix of opening things inside and then playing outside. We have learned that as energy levels rise, moving kids outdoors is very beneficial.

We have been thankful for the change of pace that was much needed. In fact, it hard to say if students or teachers appreciate breaks more. The opportunities to school kids at home while we await official instructions has been very beneficial. We have already been able to make up a lot of ground in many areas that were lacking. However, there is no question that this adds a lot of additional work to our plates. Not having to teach, plan, oversee, and correct has been a nice break. It has allowed us to spend more time just hanging out as a family and even dad was able to reduce some of his workload. The lack of posting is evidence of things we have put a pause to in order to slow down some. And as for most of you, slowing down is necessary from time to time…and we often don’t realize the pace we have been running until we take a break.

Without a doubt the year closed out with much to be thankful for and much change. In many ways it is hard to believe we have been a family of 7 for 4 months. In some ways it has felt much longer than that and in other ways much shorter. Every day brings new strides, new stresses, new successes. Looking back and comparing brings encouragement even as we feel overwhelmed with how much still lies ahead of us. The Christmas day service and potluck saw us staying until the end instead of leaving early due to approaching meltdowns. This is a remarkable difference in just 2 months of potluck times. Kids are also getting more settled as is evidenced by a significant reduction in overanalyzing emotional states and a little less mischievous activity…at least that which was due to stress.

A New Year brings with it plenty of challenges. We still don’t have residence permits resolved. Nothing has ever been received regarding schooling – and while we are thankful to be able to school at home, we also are needing to walk the balance of not knowing, not asking, and also explaining to other groups (like the immigration office) why we don’t have a school enrollment paper. We are still waiting on the US citizenship process and are praying this can take place in January. Luke has a week long trip coming up (that kids are already speaking about and negatively anticipating) and then another 5 day trip to close out January. We will slowly need to start turning our attention to closing things out in Munich – downsizing, packing, etc. And with this will also come setting things up for the time in the US.

With all that lies behind and all we anticipate ahead, we are thankful for the guiding hand of the Lord. We know He sovereignly guides all that occurs and we trust He will continue to lead us and strengthen our family. The works of the Lord are great and we are blessed to see them firsthand.

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The Bus has Arrived

LS

At long last, after much anticipation and impatient waiting we were able to pick up our new car on Friday. Having a vehicle which can fit the whole family after 2 months without this is an enormous blessing. Not only can all 7 of us fit, but we can fit comfortably. The car feels twice as large and it is significantly larger which will take some adjusting to – especially when it comes to parking in already microscopic European parking spaces.

First order of business was getting the tires changed and putting winter tires on the vehicle. Thankfully, Luke was able to get a same day appointment and was told it was the last day before the holiday break. When preparing to pay, he was asked if he had the bus and if this was a company car. Nothing indicates how much we stick out as different like innocent comments along these lines. Thankfully the “bus” does fit into our driveway, albeit just barely.

The family was very excited to be in the new car and it is amazing how much car technology has changed in the last 13 years. It makes our old car look like it is from a different century. We are very thankful for the Lord’s provision for our needs in this way! It opens up a new set of possibilities for us as a family. We are so thankful for all the help we received along the way – major assistance in purchasing the vehicle at an extremely good price, many who offered us use of their vehicles while we were waiting, others providing us rides to and from various things, etc.

Adapting has been a term characteristic of our family. A bit like our car, we have promises that something grand is on its way and will arrive soon. In the short term, we are finding ways to make things work, with significant help along the journey. We trust that one day we will look back and feel like the jump in progress is a bit like moving from a 2013 vehicle to a 2025 car. There are already some great signs of forward progress. Things which show more of a settling in, less of a feeling of unsettled and walking on eggshells, and less fear of losing it all or unable to trust. We still have a long ways to go with each of these, but we are thankful to think about where we have come from. The Lord is graciously guiding each step forward.