Category: News

News

Redemption

LS

We are currently surrounded by boxes and incredible chaos. It seems that the more you try to pack the more things get cluttered. It makes it hard to see the progress, although we are hoping we are getting near to the end.

In the midst of the chaos of moving, we are also trying to help those impacted by the chaos of the move. We have shared different aspects of trying to help children regulate. It is not a one time thing either. It is more like a daily, moment by moment type of thing. There is a ton which we have learned through this and many things that can be shared.

One of the many things that has come out of this has been the chance to talk with our kids about their past. Transitions often bring about regression especially amongst adoptive children. While all children will get stressed and perhaps revert back to some former habits, adoptive children can almost seem to move years backwards rather than just steps. Part of this has to do with transitions bringing the past back to the forefront. This can resurface dramas and hardships. It can make it hard to work through and resolve without first travelling backward in time to understand, as best as possible.

Fortunately, some of our kids habe been willing to travel back in time with us and give us some small glimpses of the past. Their story is theirs to tell and ours to guard until they do. However, suffice to say that it is not a pleasant journey either for the story teller or the audience. Multiple of them have had trouble thinking about anything positive, even the smallest positive thing about their life before the orphanage. In their words, there was nothing positive about this part of their past.

Recently, one of them was talking and the question came up about what is something they would change about their past, if possible. The most negative aspects and individuals were the quick, easy, and anticipated answer. But what was not so anticipated was what came next. The child paused for a second and then said, “But then again, if those things hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have met you all and you wouldn’t have adopted me.” Given their story and the darkness surrounding it, this was a remarkable thought to have come out unprompted.

The amazing thought can be summarized with the word redemption. Redemption means to buy back something which was lost. It is the image of a possession sold to settle a debt or provide needed funds that is then repurchased by the original owner. A child experienced a life no one should ever have to endure, lost a family that should have been and sadly never was, and yet, through all the tragedy, is able to see how the Lord works through sin to bring about His purposes and His purposes for His own are good. It provided a great chance to share about how God is able to take pain and sin, and redeem what was lost in a glorious finale that none other could produce or even imagine.

This is the story of all of God’s adoptive children – we were lost in our sins and trespasses. Our darkness was our own making. Yet, God in His kindness did not leave us in our darkness. Rather, He stepped in, invaded with His light, and redeemed His own…bought them back, and brought them into a family.

This isn’t to say the darkness is excusable or that it is easy to say, share, hear, or feel. It is wrong and always will be. Yet, it is to say that even as evil as sin can be, God can bring about something good – not because of, but in spite of the best attempts of the darkness. Because God is a God who redeems. And that is a glorious truth worth celebrating even as the darkness is mourned over. Praise God for His redemptive work!

Now…about those boxes…perhaps something else needs some redemption…

News

When Life Gives You Lemons

LS

As the saying goes, when life give you lemons, make lemonade! The past several weeks have been full of goodbyes and letting go. Learning how to handle them and how to navigate emotions can be difficult. Regulation is not something we are born naturally knowing how to do.

We have been incredibly blessed by all the amazing love, care, and support that has been poured out upon us. We could not have asked for a sweeter, kinder, more heartfelt farewell. It made us realize how much of a family we truly had surrounding us and also made leaving all the harder.

Interestingly, our kids experienced this in a different way. They loved the gifts, kinds thoughts, love and embraces they received from everyone. And yet, for most of them, there wasn’t the same level of investment. Leaving has been a different experience for us as parents and for our first adopted son whose closest connections were in the church. For our other kids, they were coming in as outsiders for a short period of time. Yet, they were able to build connections and friendships in a short period of time.

Our final Sunday was especially emotional. We were very thankful for the time at MICC and, though the full weight of the emotions hasn’t hit us entirely, it did hit us sufficiently. In fact, the first remark from our kids after the final service was that this was all their fault and we are having to leave because of them. Now, before anyone reading this worries that they might have said something that might lead to this, we do want to assure you this was not the result of any particular comments. Rather, it is an underlying concern that surfaced…a concern that can often occur when major change happens that is perceived as negative. Children often feel that perhaps things they did or said led to this and it can cause anxiety and concern.

As we have mentioned in the past, adoptive children are not necessarily different in this sense. Rather the difference lies in the degree and the intensity. They know what it is like to lose everything, even if the result ends up being better. And they also know that a driving force behind the change was the adoption. However, until the goodbyes, it didn’t quite sink in about how difficult, sad, and emotional this would be for everyone, mom and dad included, and for the church. Before that, it was just changing one location not well known or invested in for another.

It is certainly understandable why they would draw this particular conclusion. Life has given them some serious lemons – ones that are more sour than just this event and ones that keep resurfacing whenever other lemons are handed out. Their lemons are more sour than most people ever get in their entire lives. Yet, lemons provide an opportunity despite their sourness. We had the chance to talk about how family is more important to us, how we trust that God is using this to move us in His direction, that this was our decision – not their fault and that we are so thankful for them. Though the transition is difficult and we don’t want to deny that, our family comes before our location of ministry or type of ministry. It also gives us the chance to share that the harvest is ripe all over – it is not difficult to find another field to work in…it will not be the same, it won’t have the people or the same connections, but the work is not scarce. Our family, on the other hand, is not replaceable in any sense. The health of our family and the needs of our family are a higher priority.

You see, God provides an opportunity to use the lemons to squeeze the lemonade of trust, love, and a firm foundation. It will take time, lots of repetition, and these feelings don’t disappear overnight. But, by God’s grace, lemonade can be produced.

Of course there is much more to share…mom and dad have been busy with goodbyes, packing, preparing, and helping everyone regulate that we haven’t been able to fully process things ourselves. But we are thankful for the glimpse the Lord has blessed us with into how He is working. In the lives of His family, the Body of Christ, and in the lives of our family. Divine lemonade, sweet, refreshing, and redemptive.

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Pieces Falling into Place

LS

Although it has been coming down to the wire and it seems like a million things have been changing at the last possible second, the pieces are slowly beginning to fall into place. We were very thankful to discover the Brazilian passports in our mailbox today. This is one piece that allows us to breathe a bit easier and to start the application process for the electronic travel authorization required to visit the UK. We were so thankful for all the help we received from friends who walked us through this process, helped us fix the tax number complications, and helped us email the consulate to request the passports due to our approaching deadline to leave.

Another piece that has fallen into place recently is a location in Scotland opening up. We have learned that the area of Fearn, Scotland has a Free Church that could use some help and that also has a manse that we can stay in for the duration of our time there. There are still plenty of details to be discussed – exactly in what way we can best minister to and serve the congregation there, the address of the manse, etc. But we are thankful to have a general vicinity at this stage. Fearn is about 45 minutes by car north of Inverness, one of the northernmost large cities in Scotland. We have been incredibly thankful for all the help and support that we have received from MTW in coordinating this and getting things set up.

We are also thankful to have been able to finish out our time at MICC well – more to come on that in a later post. We were incredibly thankful for the send off, the warm and emotional goodbyes, the very kind words and thoughts, and the chance to rejoice together in all that the Lord has done. Today we were grateful to take part in a wedding as our final event with MICC. The Lord has put all the pieces in place for them to continue moving forward well and for that we rejoice greatly. We are thankful for the leadership He has blessed the church with and we are excited to see how He works through the new senior pastor to bless this special congregation.

Pieces are also falling into place with moving. We have been so thankful that the Lord has blessed us with storage options generously donated to us – so much so that we don’t have to pay for a storage facility as we thought we would need to. We have been overwhelmed with the number of offers to help move, pack, clean, lift, etc. It has been a tremendous blessing for which we are immensely grateful. In the midst of all the challenges and stresses that we have been facing, it is a blessing to see these bright rays breaking through the storm clouds.

And we are thankful for you! So many of you have shared how you have been reading and enjoying the blog! It is an encouragement to know someone is reading what we right…and hopefully even getting some comic relief from our chaos! Thank you for your prayers and very kind words! We are thankful for you!

Our jigsaw puzzle of life right now is incredibly complex. But thankfully the Lord knows exactly where each piece belongs and one at a time, in His good timing, He is place each piece into place. And one day we will be able to look back and see the masterpiece from what felt like absolute turmoil.

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Always Lurking Around the Corner

LS

You have probably felt like you always wished you know what someone else was thinking. Although, you might have also had the experience of learning what they were thinking and wishing you hadn’t know. Time and trust are needed for anyone to open up and especially those who have traumatic backgrounds. But there is always something lurking around the corner in adoptive children’s minds…something which makes its reappearance when things feel unsettled.

A recent conversation brought this to light. In response to the question what is your greatest fear, one child, after pensively considering the question, said, “Going back to an orphanage and especially one that was worse than the one we were in.” They had heard stories of other orphanages and what went on there. In asking if they were concerned this might happen, they responded by saying, “No, I don’t think it would really happen, but I am not really sure.” They also shared about another child they know who cycled back and forth from family to orphanage after issues with the placement family. But, they also recognized this was a different situation that they didn’t think similar to our family at all.

But this just illustrates that there is always a fear, an uncertainty lurking just around the corner. It never really goes away. And it likes to reemerge when things begin to feel unstable. It isn’t just seen in words either. Behavior can be another manifestation. Our mischievous kids? Well part of it is just plain mischievousness. However, even that is exacerbated by transitions and the monster lurking around the corner. It goes on overdrive and looks like it is on steriods.

Of course it is one thing to cognitively know this and another thing to live it. We can try to remind ourselves and make sure our responses factor this in…and yet, in the heat of the moment, monsters can seem out of sight and out of mind. And of course, there is no guarantee that the monsters will ever go away entirely. But, with much patience, prayer, and by the grace of God, they can shrink and be met with assurances that family is forever and nothing can change that. This is the beauty of the work of God – it can redeem even that which seems destructive and provide an opportunity out of a nightmare. We pray we can continue to model the security and love of God to our children…and each other even as we are also trying to balance our own chaos and rollercoaster ride.

News

Turning up the Heat

LS

The past week we have been enduring some record level heat, especially for this time of year. While many of you might live in places where temperatures routinely soar above 32 C/90 F, without air conditioning and with very little breeze, it can be quite miserable. Adding this into our final week at MICC, a ticking time clock on our stay in Germany, and lots of goodbyes starting to happen, it has us all a little exhausted.

And of course, it seems that just about that same time the heat gets turned up. It always seems to come in massive waves. Michelle was trying to cram for her language test that she took earlier this week, Luke moved a van full of boxes already packed (it was shocking how much would fit into our “bus”!), four bookshelves, two side tables, our outdoor furniture, an office storage drawer, a piano, and another of odds and ends over the process of 3 days. We are so thankful for the extreme generosity of friends allowing us to store things at their places. But in the heat, it made for an extreme workout, and Luke is discovering how much older he is than he would like to imagine…and how his body does not recover the way it once did.

And then the heat gets turned up even more. We have mentioned some mischievous kids before, haven’t we? Well, this week has been full blown mischievousness. A 2am decision to get a snack. The drink of choice? Vinegar mixed with salt…and not the “normal” vinegar (which is still stronger than the American variety), but the vinegar essence, which is either used for cleaning, added in very small amounts, or diluted with water. The snack food of choice? Chewing gum. How did we discover this? Well, Luke was wondering when certain lights were on, but had initially chalked it up to being too tired to remember to turn them off. Then Michelle discovered someone complaining of a stomachache…and little wonder why with that diet. While Luke was off carting a load and a kind friend was watching the kids, the mischievous ones convinced our friend that they were allowed to water the plants, beginning by carting water in plastic storage tubs from the kitchen. When our friend rightly perceived that we would probably not approve of water getting splashed all over the wood floors, they went outside and dismantled the hose (which specifically had the attachments hidden to prevent usage) to continue their task. Then in the midst of trying to pack, while Michelle was getting her prescription filled, Luke heard technological noises upstairs. The mischievous ones had been trying to convince Michelle’s iPad Siri to obey their commands and promptly ran out the door as they heard Luke ascending the stairs (which always is amazing how kids somehow think that isn’t a dead giveaway). Luke then discovered that they had also decided to engage in baking (despite NOT being allowed to use the oven) and had chosen to set the stuffed animals in at 200 C to “dry them”.

As you might imagine, we have all the heat we can handle and then some! We keep praying for patience (which can be hard to come by when temperatures inside are only marginally less than outside), wisdom, and the ability to remember that all of us are under stress and that transitions can trigger and cause some serious relapses. The heat has been turned up…thankfully we know the Lord will not allow us to roast forever. He will bring cooler weather at His timing, and until then, we will continue to trust His gentle kindness and mercies.

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Some Light at the End of the Tunnel

LS

This past week we managed to get a hopeful glimmer of light at what we pray is the end of the citizenship tunnel. Our lawyer was able to transfer our N600-K applications to California. She indicated the USCIS office there was already beginning to review the application. This certainly was hopeful, especially when she indicated that our requested appointment date of October should be very doable.

We are very thankful to have some ballpark dates to be aiming for as it will allow us to also begin making plans for the 6 month window we will have to be stateside. Of course, there are all kinds of ways that things can go wrong and we are somewhat scarred from our experience thus far. However, even if things don’t go as quickly as the lawyer suggested, the official case adjudication time frame for 80% of applications is 6 months. That is significantly faster than the 65 months St. Louis is now quoting and will fall within the 6 month tourist visa timeframe for Scotland.

All of this is the first glimmer of light we have seen in a long time. We are still praying for the hand of the Lord to continue to guide everything and would be most grateful if you would be praying for this too. We still have many things to figure out and, as we have learned very well over the last few months, nothing is official until we get an official notice. The next step is seeing where in Scotland we can be of most help, travelling there in mid July, awaiting the official citizenship hearing date, applying for B2 (non-immigration) visas, and then travelling to the states. Although it is just a glimmer, having some light at the end of the tunnel is a great blessing especially when the tunnel has seemed to be unending. We are thankful for the Lord’s work and kindness and pray He will continue to allow the N600-K applications to move forward.

News

Some Days You Just Get By

LS

Life can be overwhelming at times. And our has seemed to have plenty of days when survival is a success in our books. It’s not necessarily one overwhelmingly, big thing. It is more like the cumulative effect of a million little things.

Take some of our kids. We have a few who are the dictionary definition of mischievous. Of course every child has a bit of this in them. But we are talking about months of mischievous behavior that can leave us exhausted both physically, but especially emotionally. What do we mean by mischievous? Things keep happening that they know aren’t supposed to occur and that we have sought to take measures against, but that they still keep finding ways to do. Our garden hose keeps getting turned on and left on despite removing all the attachments so that it cannot actually be used…but it does slowly drip a bit until we notice it was left on…again…not to mention the night Luke returned late to discover it was disassembled and undone.

The shower is another crime scene. We have removed the spray nozzle from the shower and the nearby bathtub because water was getting sprayed all over the bathroom despite us trying to talk about this, clearly explain the rules, and ask them to not use the nozzle. Despite the nozzles being removed completely, water is still getting into the bathtub (which is not being used). Body wash has been disappearing at an extremely rapid rate. Our attempt at a solution? Use a pump bottle so that the cap would remain on, closed, and not dumped all over the floor. The mischievous counter play? Take the pump top off and dump it sideways in the bathtub right after it was refilled. Floor mats have been laid and instructed to be kept down to keep the water in the bathroom. Towels need to be kept in the bathroom to avoid being left on the wood floor (despite repeated requests). Despite that, we go up to discover water coming out of the bathroom onto the wood floors, with soaking wet towels used to mop some of it up and then left, naturally, on the wood floor.

We know these are minor things that happen in households around the globe. And normally they are frustrations that we try to resolve, protect against, and patiently use to teach. However, some days we are just barely getting by…and it just seems to be more than a bit over the top.

Some days you just get by. Making it to the end of the day with everyone alive and our sanity very barely intact can seem like a success…or perhaps a survival tactic.

But, one of the interesting features of barely making it to the end of the day m, gives us an opportunity to see how God grants new mercies each day. That promise has new meanings for us. Some days His mercies are overflowing and we navigate the challenges they way we would love to. Other days His mercies are sufficient for us to barely get to the end…and it doesn’t look pretty…and we aren’t always in our best form…but nevertheless, His mercies are evident and for that, we are incredibly grateful. Because some days you just get by…but all days it is by the mercies of God which are new each day.

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Learning to Play

LS

As we have been on the adoptive journey for over 7 years now, we have taken an interest in learning from others who have been down similar roads. There are many things that can be gained from the experiences of others and it is helpful to hear the perspectives of those walking a familiar path. One of the interesting concepts that has popped up from time to time has been how those in foster care or in adoption often struggle to use their imagination.

In part this ought to make sense – for much of their lives their mental capacities have been occupied with survival. Even things like transitions and change occupy a significant amount of our energy reserves. Moving from one place to the next fills us with a lot of busywork, which is necessary to accomplish. This means that we often temporarily set aside hobbies, free time activities, leisurely things. For us, we make a short term sacrifice in order to set up something long term. We know that we will resume these things before too long and so there isn’t any great harm in sacrificing them for a bit. However, for kids who are facing signficant challenges – often much greater than what most adults face in their lifetime – including constant change, you can imagine how much of their brain space gets devoted to this. Finding ways to survive and to handle transitions occupies an enormous part of their processing abilities.

What this can lead to is a lack of space, safety, and ability to do the leisurely. To learn how to relax – because the guard was always needing to be up and high. It can also mean things like play can almost seem like a foreign concept. This is something we often don’t think too much about because it is a skill which is often developed early in life when there is a stable situation at home, with parents who engage their young kids in play. Space and security help to foster these imaginative abilities. By the time kids reach early adolescence, play becomes both normal and a bit of an expertise.

So it can be strange and somewhat surprising for older adoptees to not really know how to play. This shows up in a variety of ways – it might be moving very rapidly from one “game” to the next because after a very short period of time they have run out of developed imaginative abilities. It isn’t so much that they are bored, but that they are bored because they don’t really know what else to do far faster than average. It also might mean that they don’t actually play with toys or just a very select few, because they aren’t sure how to actually make up a scenario in their heads. And this may differ with age. Our younger ones do better at playing than the older ones, because they have been just slightly less impacted by the transitions and changes…or have been impacted for less overall time.

A way this is practically seen is in how our Lego collection lay unused for months. Now, not everyone enjoys Legos and there is nothing wrong with that. However, the older children always gave the excuse that Legos were boring and never even gave it a try. Several weeks back, however, something changed. One of the kids finally decided to give Legos a try. He even convinced dad to spend a bit of time playing with him as they set out to build the most decked out car possible. Soon some of the other kids wandered in and gave it a go. While Legos are not suddenly the hottest new thing, nor do they spend significant time playing with them, what has been interesting is that all of the kids will now and then pick up the Legos. In fact, rather than calling them boring, they have now said they like Legos and find them interesting.

What is happening? They are starting to learn how to play. Expectations have to be changed – think about a baby…they are quickly bored of whatever toy they have in part because they haven’t yet developed skills how to play. Parents over time, teach this to their infants and with time more and more energy is spent on the same toy and it can happen more independently. Our children are starting more from the beginning in some senses. They won’t play with any particular toy very long still. But with time, they are starting to slowing develop their imaginations. They are slowly learning how to play. They are getting to go backward in time in order to catch back up on things that they never had. This is one more illustration of how biological age can be very misleading. A child’s age might be 15 or 13 or 10, but their abilities in certain areas might be more like 8 or 6 or 5. But with a lot of time, patience, and care, the gap can be closed. And even older kids can learn the wonderful skill known as “play”.

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Charting a Course

LS

Navigation requires having a plan, charting a course, and then preparing for chaos on the open seas. After much prayer, careful consideration, and discussion, we have a course heading in the midst of the tempest we seem stuck in. Of the two options, neither of which was great, we have decided to set sail for the UK where we can enter on a 6 month tourist visa (both nationalities) and prayerfully see the N600-K citizenship process come to completion in that time frame.

Now that we have a heading, the work of getting underway begins in earnest. We can start to fix dates and work backwards. Several friends of offered to help with storage, many more offered to help in any way needed. MTW is working to help us get set up and for Luke to pulpit supply in a church with a pastoral vacancy. We can begin looking into concrete travel plans, make arrangements for handing over the house, canceling various services, and brining this time in Germany to a close.

There are still significant hurdles in our path. The N600-K average wait time in St. Louis was recently updated to 65 months. It is absolutely inconceivable to us how 8.5 months can suddenly jump to 65 months…or why a process only designed for adoptive children of US citizens who live overseas would take 65 months to complete even in the worst of settings. We are hoping our lawyer can help us refile in a different city with a shorter wait time (which we have to believe is pretty much every other city) and to push for a fast completion. However, even with that we will be resetting the time clock as a transfer will lose any progress thus far. The bright side is that with a 65 month wait time, we are relatively certain nothing has been done with our case in St. Louis and so we likely aren’t actually losing any time.

We are also still in process for the Brazilian passport renewal. We need these passports to come back so that we can apply for the electronic travel permission to enter the UK. Thankfully that is a relatively straightforward and quick process, but we would like to be able to wrap that up as soon as possible and have one less thing hanging over our heads. Based on estimated timelines of 6 weeks, this would put us pretty close to the beginning of July, cutting things a bit tighter than ideal.

As you can see, we still have plenty of prayer topics and things we are trusting the Lord with. The waters do not look smooth at all and we anticipate storms ahead. However, we are thankful to have a course heading, it means we can raise the anchor and start setting off. Though we don’t know how the journey will play out, we do know the One who controls it all – and we are thankful to be in His hands.

Adoption is not for the faint of heart…and though we know that, we do feel like this journey has been even more tumultuous than “standard”. But then again, none of our adoption journeys have gone even close to plan or “standard”. Thankfully God is sovereign even when things are not “standard”.

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Becoming Reality

LS

We have known for a long time that our time in Germany had an expiration date. We talked about it, prayed about it, began making plans for it. We shared it with our kids early on in order to help them prepare their expectations – they have always known we would only be in Germany until July. And yet, as the saying goes, out of sight, out of mind.

As you might imagine, they have be overwhelmed with so many things – new people, new language, new schedules, new rules, new family, new customs, etc., that they haven’t really had much time to process anything else. With July approaching, we have continued to reference our end date and yet, it wasn’t much more than another piece of information for our kids. This week that all changed as it has started becoming reality.

What are some of the things which brought this into reality? Boxes have started emerging in the house and things have gone into them. The way the house looks is different now and things that had been there since they arrived, are suddenly packed away. Added to that is the calendar of for after dinner chores which has a few dates blocked off – one of which is the farewell party. And the farewell party itself, now being announced. These are all things which have ushered reality in.

Each child has responded a different way, as they each have different stress responses. One child has been much more irritable than normal and short fused. Another has been emotionally very down and struggling with sadness. One child has been even more of a copycat than normal. Another has been very clingy and attention demanding. And another has been more dramatic than typical. Needless to say, trying to help 5 kids regulate themselves feels like more than a full time job. And it is amazing how much emotional rollercoasters can be draining.

What is also interesting is how many of these things feel like throw back reactions. Change, for adoptive children, can trigger what almost appears to be a setback. Moving backwards is part of the journey. Thankfully, now that we are toward the end of the week, we are seeing some of the kids (not all), get a bit more regulated. Of course, there is no telling what and when they will be set off again. That is the challenge with the reality hitting home. It seems to randomly strike and when it does, it can often strike hard. But this does provide an opportunity to try to help kids learn how to say goodbye well, how to handle difficult emotions, that it is okay to struggle with sadness even while looking forward to the future.

And there is always more than what meets the eye. Not too long ago, they had to say goodbye to the only life they had ever known. Changes and transitions can bring up more than just the immediate hardships, it can bring back the big transition they recently went through as well. And this is a lot of transition…a lot for anyone…and definitely a lot of young people. It is all becoming reality…and sometimes reality packs a punch. But we are thankful that the Lord walks through all the valleys with us and leads us through the hard times. We are also grateful that in the Lord, goodbyes are never permanent, only temporary. And we trust the Lord will give us opportunities to reconnect again before the great reunion. In the meantime, we will be trying to survive the rollercoaster and learn to enjoy the ride, helping kids to learn how to regulate well and trying to not forget that reality hits us too.