Author: LS

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Learning to Play

LS

As we have been on the adoptive journey for over 7 years now, we have taken an interest in learning from others who have been down similar roads. There are many things that can be gained from the experiences of others and it is helpful to hear the perspectives of those walking a familiar path. One of the interesting concepts that has popped up from time to time has been how those in foster care or in adoption often struggle to use their imagination.

In part this ought to make sense – for much of their lives their mental capacities have been occupied with survival. Even things like transitions and change occupy a significant amount of our energy reserves. Moving from one place to the next fills us with a lot of busywork, which is necessary to accomplish. This means that we often temporarily set aside hobbies, free time activities, leisurely things. For us, we make a short term sacrifice in order to set up something long term. We know that we will resume these things before too long and so there isn’t any great harm in sacrificing them for a bit. However, for kids who are facing signficant challenges – often much greater than what most adults face in their lifetime – including constant change, you can imagine how much of their brain space gets devoted to this. Finding ways to survive and to handle transitions occupies an enormous part of their processing abilities.

What this can lead to is a lack of space, safety, and ability to do the leisurely. To learn how to relax – because the guard was always needing to be up and high. It can also mean things like play can almost seem like a foreign concept. This is something we often don’t think too much about because it is a skill which is often developed early in life when there is a stable situation at home, with parents who engage their young kids in play. Space and security help to foster these imaginative abilities. By the time kids reach early adolescence, play becomes both normal and a bit of an expertise.

So it can be strange and somewhat surprising for older adoptees to not really know how to play. This shows up in a variety of ways – it might be moving very rapidly from one “game” to the next because after a very short period of time they have run out of developed imaginative abilities. It isn’t so much that they are bored, but that they are bored because they don’t really know what else to do far faster than average. It also might mean that they don’t actually play with toys or just a very select few, because they aren’t sure how to actually make up a scenario in their heads. And this may differ with age. Our younger ones do better at playing than the older ones, because they have been just slightly less impacted by the transitions and changes…or have been impacted for less overall time.

A way this is practically seen is in how our Lego collection lay unused for months. Now, not everyone enjoys Legos and there is nothing wrong with that. However, the older children always gave the excuse that Legos were boring and never even gave it a try. Several weeks back, however, something changed. One of the kids finally decided to give Legos a try. He even convinced dad to spend a bit of time playing with him as they set out to build the most decked out car possible. Soon some of the other kids wandered in and gave it a go. While Legos are not suddenly the hottest new thing, nor do they spend significant time playing with them, what has been interesting is that all of the kids will now and then pick up the Legos. In fact, rather than calling them boring, they have now said they like Legos and find them interesting.

What is happening? They are starting to learn how to play. Expectations have to be changed – think about a baby…they are quickly bored of whatever toy they have in part because they haven’t yet developed skills how to play. Parents over time, teach this to their infants and with time more and more energy is spent on the same toy and it can happen more independently. Our children are starting more from the beginning in some senses. They won’t play with any particular toy very long still. But with time, they are starting to slowing develop their imaginations. They are slowly learning how to play. They are getting to go backward in time in order to catch back up on things that they never had. This is one more illustration of how biological age can be very misleading. A child’s age might be 15 or 13 or 10, but their abilities in certain areas might be more like 8 or 6 or 5. But with a lot of time, patience, and care, the gap can be closed. And even older kids can learn the wonderful skill known as “play”.

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Charting a Course

LS

Navigation requires having a plan, charting a course, and then preparing for chaos on the open seas. After much prayer, careful consideration, and discussion, we have a course heading in the midst of the tempest we seem stuck in. Of the two options, neither of which was great, we have decided to set sail for the UK where we can enter on a 6 month tourist visa (both nationalities) and prayerfully see the N600-K citizenship process come to completion in that time frame.

Now that we have a heading, the work of getting underway begins in earnest. We can start to fix dates and work backwards. Several friends of offered to help with storage, many more offered to help in any way needed. MTW is working to help us get set up and for Luke to pulpit supply in a church with a pastoral vacancy. We can begin looking into concrete travel plans, make arrangements for handing over the house, canceling various services, and brining this time in Germany to a close.

There are still significant hurdles in our path. The N600-K average wait time in St. Louis was recently updated to 65 months. It is absolutely inconceivable to us how 8.5 months can suddenly jump to 65 months…or why a process only designed for adoptive children of US citizens who live overseas would take 65 months to complete even in the worst of settings. We are hoping our lawyer can help us refile in a different city with a shorter wait time (which we have to believe is pretty much every other city) and to push for a fast completion. However, even with that we will be resetting the time clock as a transfer will lose any progress thus far. The bright side is that with a 65 month wait time, we are relatively certain nothing has been done with our case in St. Louis and so we likely aren’t actually losing any time.

We are also still in process for the Brazilian passport renewal. We need these passports to come back so that we can apply for the electronic travel permission to enter the UK. Thankfully that is a relatively straightforward and quick process, but we would like to be able to wrap that up as soon as possible and have one less thing hanging over our heads. Based on estimated timelines of 6 weeks, this would put us pretty close to the beginning of July, cutting things a bit tighter than ideal.

As you can see, we still have plenty of prayer topics and things we are trusting the Lord with. The waters do not look smooth at all and we anticipate storms ahead. However, we are thankful to have a course heading, it means we can raise the anchor and start setting off. Though we don’t know how the journey will play out, we do know the One who controls it all – and we are thankful to be in His hands.

Adoption is not for the faint of heart…and though we know that, we do feel like this journey has been even more tumultuous than “standard”. But then again, none of our adoption journeys have gone even close to plan or “standard”. Thankfully God is sovereign even when things are not “standard”.

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Becoming Reality

LS

We have known for a long time that our time in Germany had an expiration date. We talked about it, prayed about it, began making plans for it. We shared it with our kids early on in order to help them prepare their expectations – they have always known we would only be in Germany until July. And yet, as the saying goes, out of sight, out of mind.

As you might imagine, they have be overwhelmed with so many things – new people, new language, new schedules, new rules, new family, new customs, etc., that they haven’t really had much time to process anything else. With July approaching, we have continued to reference our end date and yet, it wasn’t much more than another piece of information for our kids. This week that all changed as it has started becoming reality.

What are some of the things which brought this into reality? Boxes have started emerging in the house and things have gone into them. The way the house looks is different now and things that had been there since they arrived, are suddenly packed away. Added to that is the calendar of for after dinner chores which has a few dates blocked off – one of which is the farewell party. And the farewell party itself, now being announced. These are all things which have ushered reality in.

Each child has responded a different way, as they each have different stress responses. One child has been much more irritable than normal and short fused. Another has been emotionally very down and struggling with sadness. One child has been even more of a copycat than normal. Another has been very clingy and attention demanding. And another has been more dramatic than typical. Needless to say, trying to help 5 kids regulate themselves feels like more than a full time job. And it is amazing how much emotional rollercoasters can be draining.

What is also interesting is how many of these things feel like throw back reactions. Change, for adoptive children, can trigger what almost appears to be a setback. Moving backwards is part of the journey. Thankfully, now that we are toward the end of the week, we are seeing some of the kids (not all), get a bit more regulated. Of course, there is no telling what and when they will be set off again. That is the challenge with the reality hitting home. It seems to randomly strike and when it does, it can often strike hard. But this does provide an opportunity to try to help kids learn how to say goodbye well, how to handle difficult emotions, that it is okay to struggle with sadness even while looking forward to the future.

And there is always more than what meets the eye. Not too long ago, they had to say goodbye to the only life they had ever known. Changes and transitions can bring up more than just the immediate hardships, it can bring back the big transition they recently went through as well. And this is a lot of transition…a lot for anyone…and definitely a lot of young people. It is all becoming reality…and sometimes reality packs a punch. But we are thankful that the Lord walks through all the valleys with us and leads us through the hard times. We are also grateful that in the Lord, goodbyes are never permanent, only temporary. And we trust the Lord will give us opportunities to reconnect again before the great reunion. In the meantime, we will be trying to survive the rollercoaster and learn to enjoy the ride, helping kids to learn how to regulate well and trying to not forget that reality hits us too.

News

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

LS

Many of you have asked and we are sure others are wondering – what is happening with our never ending citizenship drama?

Well…the short version is…

Unfortunately the emails sent to the State Department (OCI) have not gotten us anywhere. Lifeline graciously sent this out using the terminology drafted by our adoption/immigration lawyer. However, other than a quick response email to let us know they had internally transferred it to the proper overseeing department, we have not heard anything. This upcoming Tuesday will mark 4 weeks with no response on something that was supposed to be relatively routine, simple, and understandable (moving our immigration visa – DS260 – from the U.S. Consulate in Brazil to the U.S. Consulate in Germany).

With the time passing and our window for remaining in Germany rapidly closing, we have found ourselves between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand we cannot legally work in Germany beyond July 13th. We could buy a little additional time if we can demonstrate we are on vacation for the purpose of packing and moving, however, extending that too long runs the risk of us being denied social security for violating our 5 year window to work in Germany. Furthermore, our housing contract expires August 2nd and Luke and Elijah’s residence permits expire at the end of July. All this means that we need to leave the country shortly after July 13th and before the end of the month. Unfortunately, due to the chaotic citizenship process, we cannot get the kids into the USA without completing one of the two open routes.

Where does that leave us?

Well, in consultation with our lawyer, our adoption agency, and our missions agency, we have two options available:

  1. We can attempt to return to Rio de Janeiro where the U.S. Consulate is in order to try to complete the DS260 (immigration visa that was never closed). Our lawyer suggested this would be, on paper, the most advisable route as it would allow us to return to the U.S. immediately upon completion. HOWEVER – as with just about everything in our lives at this moment, nothing is quite as simple as it seems. The foreseeable issues with this route are that the DS260 is designed for people who intend to reside permanently in the U.S. (i.e. they are immigrating there). We are very much on the borderline of meeting this as our long term goals are to transition to Austria, not remain in the U.S. Normally, this would require us staying more than a “short time” to avoid risking having citizenship certificates cancelled. Historically this time frame has been understood to be 6 months, although it still astounds us that children of two U.S. citizen parents could have their citizenship revoked for not remaining in country longer than 6 months. However, lately the issue has been that, like all the other processes, the DS260 is taking much longer to process than it used to. In fact, a family in Brazil at the same time we were, only just recently received their DS260…more than 7 months after application. This means that citizenship was not granted until then, passports could not be applied for until after this point in time, and we would be looking at 8-9 months from start to ability to return overseas…and that is if everything went on the same timeline as a family who followed the “normal” process. The trouble is, that nothing about our situation has been following “normal”. This could put our timeline for Austria in jeopardy. And the trouble with this is that it was constructed to bear in mind the residence permit process and to time school schedules…which could mean kids trying to jump into new schools, in new languages, in a new environment partway through a school semester. In addition, there is the concern that the consulate in Rio de Janeiro was already contacted twice regarding the DS260s…initially to ask them to close these (when we learned they had never been closed) and then, more recently, to ask them to transfer these to Germany. Both requests were met with a response of the consulate not being willing to take any action without directives from higher up groups (hence us attempting to contact OCI to get this directive). In consultation with our adoption agency, they advised against going this route. The reason being that while we were in Brazil, the consulate, who had never had an expatriate family, did not properly issue a critical document (Article 5) despite everything being submitted properly. It took them 2-3 weeks after we had already received custody of the kids for this to be done (despite this supposed to be finished before we arrived in country). Lifeline (our agency) also informed us that this involved a good bit of correspondence with OCI, which was a reason it was so delayed. Their concern is that based on this they would likely not issue us the DS260s, would consult OCI again (which would lead to significant delays), and may very well require us to do additional steps with a very different timeline (because the other timeline is designed and strictly regulated for adoptive families in country and in process). This is a rock for sure.
  2. We can leave Germany and temporarily settle in another country while we wait for the N600-K process to be completed (the citizenship route for families living outside of the U.S. which involves a non-immigration visa). In consultation with MTW (our mission’s board), we do actually have an option that would provide us 6 months of time, with the ability to homeschool (to help complete getting our kids caught up to the proper grades), and the opportunity to pulpit supply for a church currently without a pastor. HOWEVER – just as with the first option, nothing is quite as simple as it seems. Completing the N600-K process means our kids will be issued a non-immigration visa requiring their stay in country post citizenship to be less than a “short time” (i.e. 6 months) or we risk having our kids lose their certificate of citizenship after issuance and having passports revoked. We fail to fathom why two American citizens could have this occur for their adoptive children, but the current political climate means this is not simply an empty threat, but a real concern. That would require us to shorten our time frame in the U.S., reducing the amount of time we would have to raise support, experience our home furlough, and spend time with family. Furthermore, the N600-K process has been ongoing since October with no known end in sight despite repeated inquiries. An additional complication is that recently checking on the USCIS average wait times for the N600-K process in St. Louis (where our application was filed) showed that their timeline has changed. We had been warned by Lifeline that all the signs were indicating that USCIS is really far behind and even updating wait times online is behind. When we first filed the average wait time was 8.5 months which is about where we are right now. Legally we are not allowed to file a complaint, request information, or require USCIS to either expediate our case or inform of how much longer it will take until we have exceeded the average wait time. When we checked just a few days ago, the update was 65 months. Although we anticipated an increase, an 8-fold increase was completely shocking to us and absolutely unthinkable…why does an adoption citizenship process take more than 5 years to process??? Our lawyer did say that if we went this route, she would help us move our application to another USCIS center and push for faster processing. However, this would mean essentially restarting this application at a new site. It would run the risk that 6 months out of Germany might not be long enough. If that was the case, we might need to simply move to Austria earlier than originally planned, only go to the U.S. for the citizenship hearing, and then plan a home furlough for later when the timeline works better for us. Thankfully our support is strong enough to allow for this, but we do need to raise more at some stage especially since we are still operating on the same budget from when we had one child. This is our hard place.

As hard as it is to believe, this really was the short version. And our timeframe is rapidly disintegrating. Early this week we need to make a decision to either begin moving to set up option 1 or option 2. As you might be able to tell, we would greatly welcome and very much need prayers for wisdom. We are thankful that though we feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, God is in perfect control and He is not trapped in the slightest. We look forward to seeing how He works this all out, what He will teach us through this, and how His hand will move. We are learning so much more about trust and reliance on His sovereignty than we ever thought.

And thank you for asking, for your concern. It means so much to us! Your support and prayers have been an enormous blessing and the Lord is sustaining us through them. We are thankful to know the One who is writing our story and we are thankful that He is writing you into it too!

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When it all Comes Flooding Back

LS

Do you remember your feelings as you first starting gaining independency? The first time you were left at home by yourself? Perhaps you were nervous and yet still somewhat excited. Maybe you were worried a bit about how it would go, but still thrilled to finally be old enough.

Recently we had a situation where Luke was running as fast as possible to get the weekly shopping done, but a dental appointment that was moved up meant that Michelle needed to leave before Luke could make it back. We had a plan, it was just going to be 10 minutes. Lunch would get started just as Michelle left, they wouldn’t finish before Luke arrived back. A small step of independency with kids who are all old enough for most families to have no concern about this.

And yet, ours is not an ordinary family. We were both independently worried that this might not go over well with the kids. You see, most kids are eager for this stage of independence and to show their maturity. However, ours are not most kids. Then it happened – a temper flared from one child to another as mom was trying to get out the door. This was quickly addressed and then there was running to catch the bus. Luke arrived home less than 10 minutes later. The kids didn’t even have time to leave the table from lunch. Yet, all of them poured out the door to both let Luke know they were home alone and to help with the groceries (which, like many families, is a bit unusual unprompted).

Then there was the aftermath. Lunch was finished, but there was unquestionably a tremendous amount of nervous energy. One child couldn’t stop laughing hysterically at things that really weren’t funny. Another child was on edge. One was unable to sit still and another was non-stop talking about nonsensical things. Watermelon was added to the lunch before chips…it slowed all the kids down as Luke also tried to address and draw to their attention that their hyperactive state was likely due to being briefly alone, but now was a time to calm down especially since they were along no longer.

What was happening? Well, one child continued to be struggling with his attitude days afterwards. As this was addressed, the answer came out. It was what we had already suspected, but was then confirmed. Being left alone, brief as it was, as much as we did everything to assure them it was short, they had an activity, and dad was on his way back, triggered something. It triggered a past and the trouble with triggers is that it all comes flooding back. This particular type of independency was not filled with excitement or thrill…other types have been…but this one brought back a nightmare.

Unfortunately, not knowing exactly what happened in the past means that, while we can guess what might trigger, we can’t always know for sure. Furthermore, life happens sometimes and as much as we try to guard against them, some triggers are unavoidable. And when it all comes flooding back, behavior changes without realization. And sometimes we don’t realize it either. This can make addressing behavioral issues a bit of a puzzle. If it is caused by a trigger, simply clamping down on the behavior won’t fix the problem and might actually cause more damage. Thankfully, in this instance, we were able to see the dots connect and open the door to discuss the trigger event. Opening up will likely take years. Just a tiny crack happened, but it was a chance to reassure that we are here, would love to listen, want to help, and yet the story is not our own and so when they are ready and only then should they feel free to share.

One baby step at a time to try to help do post flooding damage control. Thankfully the Lord brings healing even to the most flooded of places.

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Putting out Fires

LS

Walking through any trial in life can feel like chaos completely out of control. Adoption often feels like this as every day seemingly brings new adjustments, changes, emotional challenges, etc. Ours has certainly felt like this and more so lately. One image that comes to mind is putting out fires. It feels like everything is burning at a horribly rapid rate and part of what we are trying to do is determine which fire is the most urgent. One fire is about all we can manage at a time, and trying to extinguish the most threatening and then quickly moving on to the next is exhausting.

What is even more annoying is that new fires seem to spring up spontaneously and threaten to blow into an uncontrollable blaze. The latest difficulties with citizenship and visas are one example. We thought, back in October, that we would have the citizenship appointment somewhat close to our requested time of February. We never thought we would be coming down to the wire of needing to exit Germany with no end in sight toward the citizenship process.

One of the spontaneous fires that comes along with this is the need to renew our children’s passports. They were all issued emergency passports just before we left Brazil, which only carry one year’s worth of validity. Because the process is dragging on, we realized we would have to renew these as we have less than 6 months left on them and many countries won’t issues visas without more than 6 months left. Thankfully, we got some amazing help from a Brazilian friend who gave step by step directions. Even so, with 4, it took more than 4 hours to complete the application process…and it would have easily taken 3 to 4 times as long without the amazing assist.

Another spontaneous fire that popped up was that one our children had their tax identification number cancelled for no reason. Three of them were no issue, but one was. Unfortunately, Brazilian passports require an active tax id. This had us scrambling to try to get it reinstated. Once again, our friend proved very helpful in researching how to fix this. We tried one thing, to request a reinstatement of the number. We then went to the Brazilian consulate to drop off original documents, and were told we would also need to change the names of all the kids from their birth names (which were linked to the tax id) to their new names. This had us rush home to send a flurry of emails out requesting this…only to receive a note from the tax office informing us that due to adoption, we needed to file for entirely new tax ids. Another fire that started. Thankfully, the tax office responded to this new request very quickly and in a few days we had the new tax ids which we sent to the consulate.

Thankfully this was a spontaneous fire that we managed to extinguish relatively fast. But, extinguishing fires takes tremendous amounts of energy and, in this case, time. It left us more emotionally drained and exhausted. We are thankful for all the help we received. Fighting fires in with other firefighters is an enormous blessing.

We are still in the midst of a burning building. The processing time for the passports is around 6 weeks, which will put us very close to our deadline. We still have no information from the US side regarding either transferring the open immigration visa or the N600-K citizenship application process. We are now down to a month and a half from when our certificate of coverage allowing us to work in Germany expires. There are no concrete plans in place, because none can be made. We are exploring alternative options, starting to see about back up plans, pushing for information, and praying for wisdom. The Lord has His timing, but it certainly can seem like the winds are blowing the first in the wrong direction.

Thank you so much for your prayers, concern, and encouragement! Having other firefighters surrounding us is incredibly important and essential. The Lord is graciously sustaining us through you!

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What Lurks in the Darkness

LS

One thing that we have seen to be common amongst all of our kids is a significant disliking of being alone and especially in the dark. More than just a dislike, it is probably more accurate to describe it as a fear. This means that our kids won’t stay by themselves for very long. Even if they are playing on their own, they will tend to check back in to make sure nothing has happened and that we haven’t disappeared. Doing schoolwork is something they don’t want to do by themselves and would rather be in the same room as one of us. This means if someone has to leave, they will migrate to where the other person is.

An overnight trip with one of the kids showed this. While Luke had to attend a conference, the accompanying child was working on his school in the hotel room. Despite it being a sunny day, all the lights were on – in every possible location. And they stayed on, even after going to bed. Because darkness and time alone both bring unconscious concerns of danger, desertion, and can almost trigger a bit of panic.

Over much time, this can slowly change. Bedroom doors can be closed at night without causing fear or concern. Lights don’t always have to be on and they don’t always have to be in the same room all the time. These are all positive signs that kids are beginning to feel more comfortable, safe, and secure. Independent baby steps are not signs of distancing, but actually positive indicators that the environment has been established firmly enough to leave a sense of stability. And it is even more positive when it is self initiated – this shows they themselves feel at ease and not always on edge.

Despite, this, change can trigger old wounds. A new location brings back the old fears. A parent leaving for long periods of time can leave them less settled and secure. There are hundreds of factors – some of which we can anticipate, but many of which we cannot. And quite often, our children are not necessarily cognizant of this…it is more of an ingrained response that is automatic.

And yet, slowly, but surely, one day at a time, these fears can slowly subside. The darkness retracts just a bit more and the threat is slightly less imminent. There are many ways in which this reflects our spiritual journey. Old habits die hard and fears seem to constantly terrorize us. Yet our heavenly Father is incredibly patient and walks us through each phase. And step by step we move a little further away from the old and into the new.

What lurks in the darkness can be terrifying, but the light can break through and change all of this. It is gradual, doesn’t happen overnight, is sometimes two steps forward and several steps back. But it is possible to overcome. What lurks in the darkness doesn’t always have to lurk. It can be driven away through an abiding peace.

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Hitting Empty

LS

There are many interesting things that you learn when you live in another country. There are different values and things which are considered to be “normal”. One of those interesting aspects of life in Germany is that there are a few laws which are different from other places. It is illegal in Germany to run out of gas on the Autobahn. Besides leaving you stranded, you can face serious fines if your gas tank hits empty. There is a value here on not causing harm to other drivers or causing a potentially dangerous situation for other cars who are not expecting a stranded car on a highway with no speed limits. One reason why cars have warnings that flash before the tank hits empty is to avoid damage to the vehicle or a situation of being stranded.

However, what happens to us when our emotional tanks hit empty? Our lives feel a bit like the Autobahn – things are speeding around at a million miles an hour. And in an attempt to keep up with it all and to care for so many new people, we can ignore the warning signs and convince ourselves we can make it just a bit longer. This can be especially true with children who have a higher level of emotional needs. Trying to help them regulate takes a lot of emotional energy and can drain the tank much faster.

Thankfully and by the grace of God, we have managed to avoid having both of us hit empty at the same time. And while it often feels like we are living in the danger zone with warnings going off, we have had several instances over the past several months where one of us hit emotional empty. The unfortunate aspect of this is that the cars in our lives don’t slow down. In fact, it often seems like they begin zipping by at a more alarming rate. Children don’t necessarily understand emotional energy levels or how to read the gauges. In fact, what can happen with those who have been through trauma is that emotional changes can trigger things. Emotional changes may have signified danger just around the corner or brought about major pain.

Triggered kids can look and act very different. One child might feed off the emotion and become more emotional themselves. Stubbornness kicks in at a much higher rate. Pressing buttons goes into overdrive. Being uncooperative suddenly becomes almost a game. Another might suddenly begin attempting to micro analyze emotions – asking every few hours if you are angry or sad and not being willing to accept your answers. Or suddenly become more clingy when you actually need more space. Of course, the hard irony of all of this is that it becomes a negative feedback cycle. Triggered kids take more energy to handle and to attempt to regulate, but energy is the very thing that you lack and can’t seem to recover. And when the tank is completely drained, there is nothing left to give. Of course, the other problem is that when there is nothing left damage can occur and it takes longer to repair and recover.

All this means that there can be collateral damage and negative feedback cycles can be hard to break. The Lord has given us two for a reason and surrounded us with a whole team of people. Your prayers, messages, calls, helping out, bringing things, are all seemingly little actions which can have a huge impact. It is amazing how much of a boost a little fuel can give to a tank that is drained or almost so. You never know exactly where the people around you are on their emotional reserves. By God’s grace when one of us has hit empty the other has managed to step in. Of course this means that there is an even greater emotional drain on that person and its not always easy to help divert triggers. This is where the grace of the Lord can be most clearly demonstrated. We need His grace with each other so often, with our kids, and with ourselves. It also gives room to demonstrate humility and teach our kids that even parents have hard days and fail at times. Thankfully the Lord even uses that in a way that only He can do.

And there are mercies that are new each day – even for cars that are running on fumes and with warning bells going off. The Lord provides the needed strength and uses His people to help sustain those who are struggle to keep their heads above the surface of the water.

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Old Habits Die Hard

LS

Likely you have heard the saying that old habits die hard. Quite likely you have experienced this yourself. Change doesn’t come easily especially when it is something that touches on time tested routines. It makes sense too. We build up habits through much repetition and over significant time. Yet, we tend to think that they will be rewired in a moment.

And even though we know this at some level, walking through it can be another story altogether. Like so many things we have learned in this journey the distance between head and heart and hands can sometimes feel universes apart. Our expectations tend to work against us – though we might know something to be true, we still expect them to somehow be different.

This can especially be true with children who have spent more time developing habits outside of your own care. They have been developed over years and years. Sometimes well shaped and formed, but often developed through survival, self preservation, negligence, or simply because no one ever bothered to teach you any differently.

We have noticed plenty of these throughout the past couple of months. Habits of copying other people to get a laugh or gain attention. Lying about nearly everything especially if there is any sense that the truth might possibly bring trouble. Giving up when something seems too difficult or simply doesn’t want to be done. Speaking, and maybe even believing, as if everything were extreme. Doing nearly everything you know you aren’t supposed to do despite being told many times. We could go on and on.

It is very easy to get frustrated when it seems like these things are never changing. Yet, the difficulty si to remember that some of these things, perhaps all of them, were forged through traumatic backgrounds and as a means of getting by. Trust is not built overnight and in its absence, defense mechanisms are constantly in place. It may take years for these to disappear as even when the guard goes down a bit, the slightest sign of danger causes it to come shooting back up. Old habits die hard for the best of us. But they can die even harder for those who have developed them through hardship and pain.

Patience and understanding are needed. And it is amazing how much emotional energy this can take. But we are reminded that our Lord is gracious and patient with us and our habits that we cling to. He kindly sanctifies us and helps us purge them, replacing them with things in alignment with His Word and according to His Will. And we pray that He will be working in our lives to replace our habits of expectations, frustrations, acting on our desires and to exchange them with things that reflect Him and point our kids toward Him.

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Lurking Beneath the Surface

LS

So often there are so many things which are lurking beneath the surface, just out of sight, usually overlooked by everyone…especially those who take a quick glance. It takes time, persistence, and a bit of awareness to actually spot things which are lurking beneath the surface. While this is true of all people, it can especially manifest itself in adoption.

In many ways, adoptive journeys feel very strange and almost contradictory. On the one hand, 8 months in, it seems as though we have been a family forever. It is no longer strange to be a family of 7 and so much of it all seems normal and like it has always been this way. However, on the other hand, there are many things which happen which remind us of just how short 8 months truly is – and how permanence and true attachment are things which take long periods of time…much longer than 8 months. Often these are things lurking just beneath the surface that go unnoticed by most, including ourselves, but actually are symptomatic of other things.

One example has to do with the complexity of getting our citizenship issue resolved. Although the kids don’t know all the ins and outs, the technical details, the various agencies we are trying to solicit answers from, they do know the big picture. They know that we are trying to leave in July and that we are waiting on permission from the USA. Although they have mentioned it from time to time and asked about how things have been going, one child in particular started asking on a nearly daily basis if we had received an email from the USA yet. It seemed like just a normal question, although it was also clear that it was causing some concern and worry. A few times mention of things like us never getting to go came from this child, to which we responded it was just a matter of time and patience.

Then, one time, a sentence came out which revealed something lurking further beneath the surface. It was said in a seemingly calm, almost nonchalant manner of speech. Almost something which would have been overlooked. It started with the usual question about receiving an email. With the normal unfortunately not response, the reply returned was “Maybe we will have to go an orphanage while you all go back to the States”. We had heard several kids mention, in a joking fashion that perhaps the 3 of us would go to the States while the 4 of them went back to Brazil, which we always said wouldn’t happen and we just needed to wait more patiently. However, this was a new thing mentioned…stated just as if it were a fact…emotionless…just sort of thrown out there. And suddenly it became clear that something was lurking below the surface that we hadn’t seen for several weeks if not months.

There was something in beneath the waters in this child’s life…a threatening current which was not readily visible from up above. That perhaps this arrangement wasn’t so permanent and unbreakable. Maybe forever family was actually a bit more temporary…possibly it could all end. And in many ways this is understandable – permanence and stability are two things which were absent for nearly all their lives…change was what was more “normal” and there was plenty of change in a negative, even dangerous direction mixed in with some good changes.

Thankfully, when something like this surfaces, it not only reveals concerns, fears, hidden worries, but it offers opportunities. In particular, it gave the chance to talk with a child about how family is indeed forever and that means of all the possibly routes this already crazy situation could take us, none of them included orphanages. That our family comes first and whatever decision we make, wherever we end up going next, it will involve all 7 of us together…no separations. A concern..an anxiety…a separation fear or a separation anxiety masked in calmness, emotionless, matter of fact speech…hidden behind daily questions of if the email came yet, jokes about returning to Brazil…lurking beneath the surface. Thankfully, the Lord used this opportunity to provide assurance, reassurance, and to build upon established trust. And the interesting thing is that while this particular child has still asked from time to time about the email, it has gone from daily to perhaps once every week or even two. Once what was lurking beneath the surface was notice, it could be put to rest and a fear could be stilled.

Certainly this won’t be the end to this anxiety…it is a current which is so entrenched in the lives of those whose worlds have been torn apart in highly traumatic ways, that it will keep making its appearance. But perhaps this will help us to be better aware to look for this issue lurking below the surface a bit more. And isn’t this similar to our own spiritual adoption stories? Our actions, words, thoughts, and beliefs are often influenced by things lurking below the surface that we aren’t always even self aware of. They take time to identify, diagnose, and change. The key difference is that we have a heavenly Father who sees beyond the surface level and knows exactly what is lurking below. And He patiently, persistently, and perfectly because bringing these things to the surface…not for His benefit, but for our own awareness as a part of His sanctification.