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Somedays it Just all Goes Wrong

LS

You have probably had the experience where it seems that nothing is going right. It almost seems like the law of the day is that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. We seem to have experienced our fair share of these along our adoption journey. In fact, in our opinion, we have had more than our fair share…but then again, who are we to compare?

It all start with a trip to London…isn’t that how all catastrophic failure stories start? Well, not really. Due to limited flight options and us trying to snag the best deal (because let’s face it, even with the “best deal”, when you multiply by 7 it means half your life savings just evaporated), we had the early morning flight. That meant leaving the house by 5am in order to drive to Inverness to catch the 7:20 plane. This of course left everyone more than slightly exhausted, because, despite any efforts, kids who are excited, nervous, or anxious about travel will not sleep further. This also means mom and dad cannot afford to close both eyes because, even in an enclosed space like an airplane, there is no telling what trouble can be found.

Our trip to London had a very important purpose to it – we had an appointment to finally get the long awaited visas that would let us travel for our citizenship appointment in November. Day one went reasonably well, despite the tiredness. Attitudes remained manageable as we explored the city. A trip to Greenwich added in an educational element that tied nicely into a recent science lesson. Furthermore, as a birthday surprise for the girls, we managed to find tickets for a Broadway play (and there went the other half of our life savings). Thankfully, the girls loved the show and their birthday present was a success that literally left them on the edge of their seats. One child who recently traveled with dad fell asleep after the intermission, but everyone had a good time

The Broadway play meant that an early morning led to a late night and crashing in a way overpriced hotel (despite it being the cheapest option in the vicinity of the embassy) left everyone tired. We had an early morning appointment and we wanted to make sure we were there in plenty of advance time. That is when all the trouble began. We made it out the door right at target time (which was a surprisingly good start and an ominous warning looking back). Halfway down the road, Michelle realized that she didn’t have her passport because we needed to leave our bags at the hotel and she had transferred it from its normal location the day before. So, she ran back (in shoes not intended for running or distance walking and with blisters already from the day before). Luke and the kids continued, hoping to be able to connect at the embassy again or see if Michelle could come in separately.

Upon arrival, there was already a substantial line which we waited in. When we made it to the front, still without Michelle there, Luke explained the situation and asked if Michelle could come in later or if we needed to wait. The security person decided to start the check in process and then see what would be best. As she was going through our things, she informed Luke that the embassy had recently changed its rules and that everyone, including legal parents, had to be on the list for the appointment or they could not enter. This was a problem because, unbeknownst to us, our lawyer had not put our names on the list along with the children (because this was never an issue in the past). The security person told Luke that kids over the age of 8 were allowed in the embassy unaccompanied and so our only option was to either send our 4 kids in alone or to reschedule. Luke tried to explain that this was not a good option since our kids are not fluent in English, don’t know what they are doing, and would be terrified…not to mention that it is hard to believe that an 8 year old could really navigate the massive US embassy in London unaccompanied (whoever thinks that is a wise idea clearly has never had an 8 year old!).

This meant that we were denied entry and just as Luke was forced to leave the line, Michelle showed up, bleeding heels and all. Did we mention that the night before one kid was running a very high temperature and so did not feel well in the slightest? So there we were wandering around London with one kid clearly under the weather, bleeding feet, denied entry to our own embassy, facing the prospect of needing to coordinate with our lawyer to try to schedule another return trip (since we live about as far away from London as is possible while still remaining in the UK). Trying to convince stores and restaurants to take our money (apparently even though we are using the same currency, a major city like London looks suspiciously upon bill printed in Scotland…) and waiting for our lawyer to see our email in her time zone hours later made up the rest of our day. Finally, our lawyer did see our email and was shocked to hear what happened. She attempted to message all of her contacts in the London embassy which had us hurry back to stay within eyesight of the embassy for the remaining hours of our day in the hopes that they might magically grant us entry same day. Sadly, this wasn’t the day when it all goes wrong until the last minute so we slowly headed back to the airport, squashing in amidst everyone leaving work, facing a train station that had serious delays and cancellations due to an obstruction on the track, and an 8pm departure flight back to Inverness.

Some days it just all goes wrong.

And while we know God controls all things and has a plan for this too, it just seems that right when we finally think the horrible chaos of our attempting to enter the USA is coming an end, disaster strikes again. Thankfully, God has demonstrated that in the midst of chaos He is faithful, kind, and gracious. But, we must admit, we are ready to move beyond learning these lessons…maybe one day someone will make a tragic comedy about our journey to the states and we can at least provide comic relief for others…until then, we will be working to reschedule our journey to the London embassy (making sure Luke’s name is on the magical list this time…).

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Acting in Urges

LS

One of the transformations of childhood is learning how to appropriately handle urges. Younger children are all action and no thought. Over time they learn how to think and not just act. But this is a process which is varied and may take longer for some.

One aspect of those in institutionalized care is that they often develop much slower. One reason is that much of our development comes from intentional, personalized care – the thing institutes really struggle to provide. The role of parents in development cannot be overestimated. The research indicates for each year in institutionalized care, a half year of developmental delay should be anticipated. This means though our kids are all preteen to teen age, developmentally they may be only half their biological age.

Through in stress, anxiety, and a difficult life and it should not be surprising that things might be tricky at times. Acting out or mischievousness ought to be expected. But it still catches us by surprise and can leave us pulling what little hair we have left out – thankfully bald never goes out of style.

Our recent trip to Edinburgh for a conference meant chaos was just waiting around the corner. An innocent bathroom break can’t cause any problems, can it? Well apparently it can when, as all UK bathrooms do, there is a full stash of women’s products. Apparently our kids went through the stalls and successfully unwrapped all the tampons. You can’t let them out of sight for even a second…

Luke’s recent trip to India meant that Michelle and the remaining kids went for a side trip to pass the time. An innocent trip to fill up on gas could cause any issues, can it? Well, apparently it was all the time needed for one kid to climb over the full size row of seats in the front and start the car while Michelle was paying. Even when they are bottled up they still manage to cause chaos.

We could keep sharing more. Our life is filled with, they did what now? To how do we manage to keep eyes on them at all times? To is it possible to somehow have trackers and leashes attached? It is part personality, but a lot of background material. It increases when uncertainty emerges and it leaves us out of breathe and exhausted. We know the Lord has a plan – maybe to bring us home earlier than anticipated? At the very least it causes us to depend on Him and ask for His patience to permeate our lives.

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When the World Seems to be Closing in

LS

Probably all of us have had the feeling of being completely overwhelmed with life and getting pushed beyond our breaking point. In these moments it can seem like everything and everyone is stacked against us. An argument quickly dissolves into a personal attack in which we become the victim and everyone else is the perpetrator. This occurs even though we often realize this isn’t reality. Yet, despite that knowledge, it can seem impossible to shake the sensation that we are being ganged up on or under attack.

Now imagine that for much of your life this was your reality. It began with real issues in which you were the victim of circumstances beyond your control. This led to developing an hyperactive sensitivity to anything that seemed somewhat threatening – mostly in order to be able to survive your circumstances. As typically happens, this was blended together with some incorrect perceptions due to being overwhelmed, overstressed, and on edge too often. What would result is a difficulty distinguishing between reality and the overblown sensations that we all face in trying situations.

This describes the situation for many children coming from difficult, traumatic backgrounds. The world seems bent on doing them harm. And, in all fairness, much of their experience has been just that. However, this can have some serious implications. It can make it far more difficult to trust anyone or to let anyone close. This is especially true when those closest to you were threats instead of sources of security. This can also make it hard to build friendships – if everyone is held at arms length and viewed through the lens of suspicion, it can make it all the more difficult to construct bonds. Throw in a language barrier (in which it is so easy to misunderstand what is being said and be convinced your understanding was correct), the stress of living in a foreign culture, and you have a reasonably good idea of what adoptive kids are going through.

Working with our kids to help them slowly change their vantage point is a chore. It reminds us of how we can be guilty of the same thing. And the trouble is that we are absolutely convinced that our perspective is the right perspective. This makes it even more difficult to accept that there might be a reality which is not exactly the way our minds are painting it. Trust might look like it is given and developed, but you realize that there is a deeper level which is often withheld. And for good reason. Anytime it was extended, it resulted in grievous wounds. It takes a lot of time…a lot of conversations…a lot of stubborn loving that refuses to quit…and a lot of mistakes, apologies, and do overs. We are so thankful for those in our lives willing to walk through this with us. Those who are willing to keep initiating even when they are getting nothing in return (and trust us, we know how that feels because it doesn’t just happen to strangers). The friends who are willing to forgive, who seek to understand, and who are not content to let status quo be a forever state.

The world is a daily threat to our kids and it is a daily exhausting to try to help them work through this and maintain our sanity. We all feel more than a little overwhelmed with life from sunrise to sunset. Thankfully we have a God who is never overwhelmed and who lovingly takes our overwhelmed states and molds them for His good purposes. We are thankful He uses other in that process – you and your encouragement and support.

While the skewed perceptions of the world are never an excuse (a point we seek to help our kids understand), we are grateful for many who are seek to understand and not rush to a conclusion. When we look short fused, on edge, hair going in crazy directions (except for the expert in the family), it is probably because the world seems to be closing in and it is hard, exhausting, and draining trying to constantly hold it back.

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Changing your Units

LS

When it comes to measurements, what units you use makes all the difference in the world. 35 degrees means two radically different things to someone living in the United States than to someone living in Europe. A distance of 25 is not very long if we are thinking in centimeters. But if the is miles, that is quite a stretch.

Like so many things in life, we can easily be tempted to use the wrong units in our measurements. We expect grand success and so we want to measure ministry by the number of people converting (even though this is not something in our control or dependent upon us in any way), how large our ministry groups are, how many people are being impacted, etc. Interestingly enough, however, the metric Scripture seems to use is faithfulness, not numerical increase. The prophet with the best numerical ratings is Jonah and yet the ones who are most faithful and highlighted as those receiving the favor and blessing of the Lord are the same ones who often seen little to no numerical impact (Isaiah, Ezekiel, Jeremiah, etc.).

When it comes to adoption, it is far to easy for us to expect growth to occur in unrealistically large chunks. We all know it doesn’t happen overnight, but sometimes we need to adjust our scales better in order to celebrate the millimeters instead of being frustrated that we haven’t even made it an inch yet. We are so thankful for the millimeters we have seen so far. Incredibly, and by God’s grace, we were able to attend a church planting collective in Edinburgh with all 5 kids in tow and avoided any catastrophic breakdowns (not that we avoided all breakdowns because we did have those…remember, millimeters…). It is actually quite the feat when you consider that they spend multiple hours working on school work and remaining relatively, reasonably well behaved (no, don’t imagine centimeters…millimeters…).

By God’s grace our children have been reasonably well behaved from the start. But even then, being in a strange environment and asked to concentrate on school, while your parents attend a conference for many hours is a stretch. The fact that we survived was already an accomplishment. That we not only survived, but maintained most of our sanity (most) is a minor miracle. No doubt there is much work still to be done. There were plenty of stressors over the week and our armor did end up quite dented. But sometimes we need to stop to celebrate the millimeters. Every millimeter adds up to something greater over much time.

Thankfully the Lord graciously reminds us of His kind hand of guidance. We are blessed with a workplace that values families and kids, with colleagues who are not bothered by a bit of noise, and flexible schedules that allow for us to undertake some of these things. God reminds us of where we have come from and that gives us hope for the difficult days. And we are reminded that our spiritual journeys so often reflect this. Too often we are only making a millimeter of spiritual progress even though it seems like we ought to be miles down the road. But God is faithful and He is gracious. He encourages us and patiently inches us along. We pray we can reflect His heart to those in our charge.

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A Big Month

LS

September is a big month for us. We have been busy, travelling about, adjusting to life in Scotland, and discovering the timeframes for going to the USA. This week we have been at a conference in Edinburgh. The adventures of homeschooling with a family, at a conference have certainly been interesting. Thankfully the kids have done pretty well and are in a much better place than in the past. Even so, we have already had plenty of adventures…kids melting down (although thankfully in ways that are not as visible to others), finding out that the mischievous ones decided to unwrap all of the women’s products which are freely available in the restrooms, trying to discourage everyone from picking things up off the road, dealing (not always successfully) with teens and preteens who are convinced they know more.

But September is a big month for us for another reason. We have a birthday child in September, which we celebrated last week. A trip to Glasgow for some fun at Scotland’s Amusement Park (but think more on the carnival ride side of things) proved the birthday activity. We also have two very important milestones. September 1st is our Brazilian family day (1 year anniversary) and today, September 17th is our China family day. It has been 8 years since God started us on our adoption journey! It is crazy to think that 8 years have now passed since we walked into a hotel room with a pack and play, hardly able to sleep the night before meeting our first adoptive child.

Memories, celebrations, and milestones are such important things. We want to celebrate well the blessings of adoption. There are plenty of difficulties and hardships. If you have read this blog for any sort of time, you have likely seen that there is a whole other side to the adoption journey that most people don’t really know about. The road can be very windy and extremely difficult at times. However, we must not forget about the joys, the highlights, the mountain peaks, and the stunning views. The Lord has blessed us with an 8 year old family bond. And the truth is we struggle to remember what it was like before welcoming our first son home. We also can only recall the first few years as a distant memory. That gives us hope when we are in the midst of the stormy seas of the first few years with our newest family members. And each milestone, be it one year or eight, is significant. Looking back we can see how the Lord has graciously, patiently, mercifully, and, we imagine, at times humorously led us through eight years that we wouldn’t trade for anything else. Ironically, we were last in Scotland only a year into that first adoption. Our son spoke some Hungarian, limited English, and was still not understanding what a mom and dad truly are. Today he speaks English, German, Hungarian, and Portuguese, managed to get grades which would admit him to the higher level school track in Germany, knows what family means, and has grown and developed into a young man we are most thankful for and proud to have.

One of the fun parts of adoption is getting to celebrate the special day when God put us in each others’ lives. It reminds us of His sovereignty, but also His own adoption story. That we are adopted by Him and have special family days too. And surely heaven celebrates those milestones even more delightedly than our shallow attempts to replicate that on earth.

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Seared into our Brain

LS

In light of today, a question most Americans still remember hearing or asking is, where were you on September 11th, 2001? Many of us still have the image of television screens showing the horrifying live images of a plane flying into the World Trade Center and the buildings collapsing. There are certain events which have such a strong impact that they are seared into our brains. We can remember aspects of them vividly as if it were yesterday and yet other aspects are strangly fuzzy and missing.

One of the things we have been learning and discovering is that trauma can also work that way. Medical experts have demonstrated this and the book The Body Keeps the Score is an excellent recounting of the way that trauma can impact us physically even though we might not be aware of it (and no, we aren’t getting promotional paybacks yet…but perhaps if you buy enough copies we might get enough to pay our street parking fees…over 9 dollars an hour…not to mention the “fast food” “cheap” dinner for our family of seven…done with that rant except to say maybe we need to do one of those puppy eye hungry kids pictures as a means of motivating financial support…). It is fascinating how God has designed our bodies with such capacities.

However, we have been learning about this from the instruction manual of life. And despite knowing, reading, and even talking about it, we are still caught of guard when we experience it. Not too long along some of the kids approached me with the question – do you remember when we said in Brazil that one day you would get tired of us and stop liking us? Now, my brain is not nearly as quick as it ought to be (perhaps having 5 kids has burned brain cells in addition to whiting hair…). This means that often I have to ask kids to repeat themselves…not for the reason they think (that I don’t understand the language). It is because I am usually deep in thought in one language and then being spoken to very rapidly in a second language about a topic completely unrelated and with no context whatsoever (although you would think marriage would have prepared me better for this…). This was no exception. I had to change the language of my brain first and then try to recall which conversation this was referring to and then think about where this was coming from while also making sure I didn’t misunderstand any of the words.

Once the kids repeated the same thing and I was sure that what I thought I heard the first time was indeed correct, I said yes, not sure where this was going. The follow up was – well has that happened yet? Do you still like us?

Likely this was brought on in part by us reaching the one year anniversary and celebrating our family day. And just like for 9/11, these moments can remind us of something seared into our brains. Still, it was unexpected. Yes, we know this can be a haunting, persistent issue for adoptive children. We have even written about it many times. But, we don’t think about it ever because it has never been a consideration (perhaps we have been tempted to put them in handcuffs until they are adults to make sure no more mischievousness takes place when we are at our wits end…). And yet, comments like this remind us that there is still a monster which adoptive kids battle and quite often more frequently than we realize. Because for every time they are brave enough to actually ask the question, you have to wonder how often have they never said anything?

Time, they say, heals and wounds. And yet, sometimes time is actually the culprit. A time of trauma can sear a brain and a life…it can be repaired by the grace of God for nothing is beyond His healing touch. Yet, it is not necessarily easy, quick, or even guaranteed. But we pray that as His grace allows, seared trauma can gently be reassured, lovingly bandaged, and carefully replaced with truths that stem from His Truth.

And how often is it that we have the same lurking fear which we take to our heavenly Father? Has enough time passed yet for you to stop liking me? Now that you see me and all my flaws? Have you grown tired of me? The amazing thing is that He knows ever detail from the start and He loves His children despite that with a love that is not based in us, but grounded in Him.

And on that note – this past Sunday we were thankful to be reminded of that truth from Scripture. The pastor of the combined Tain and Fearn church preached a fantastic sermon on the cost of our salvation. We would love to encourage you to listen to it to also get to know Alistair! One of the amazing things was how well he weaved it together with the morning sermon Luke preached…you would have thought Alistair had written both sermons because they were so seamlessly combined. Thus, you can find the link to both and may this be an encouragement for fearful hearts who have a sinking fear that our adopted Father might perhaps tire of us one day.

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The Light at the End of the Tunnel

LS

This past week has been a big one. We began the school year and don’t worry, there are all kinds of stories that have already come out of that which you will eventually get to read. Homeschooling has all kinds of highlights, but it is not without its own share of struggles. And getting back into the swing of things is difficult for students and teachers. We were thankful to get full curriculum this go around and have some good plans in place…now for the whole part about execution…

But beyond that, we also received the news that our citizenship application has be fully reviewed and that an interview could be scheduled. We now have a date of November 18th to be in California. We have received official confirmation from USCIS (United States Citizenship and Immigration Services) itself and with that were able to begin work to book plane tickets from Munich, make plans to transition from Scotland to Munich right before this time, and then start getting things set up for the time stateside. It is a blessing to finally see some level of light at the end of this tunnel we have been traveling in. Our plans have been upended, rerouted, completely mangled along the way, but God’s plan has never changed.

We have been amazed to see how the Lord has provided as well. Our adoption fundraising efforts via Lifesong were much more than we expected. In fact, we thought we would have a large surplus of unused (and unusable by us) funds earmarked solely for adoption expenses. However, the lawyer fees we have needed to pay have almost exactly matched the huge surplus we thought we would have – it seems that someone else knew exactly what we would need well before we did! We are thankful for a sovereign God who provided the exact amount to cover these fairly massive unexpected fees!

So what are our next steps? Well, now that we have the citizenship appointment, we are about to launch the visa application process which our lawyer has already done. We have an appointment in London in mid October. We will continue to minister, serve, and engage in Hilton, Scotland until around the second week of November. Then, a few days before our flight out of Munich, we will begin the travel from Hilton to Munich. This will allow us to store things we have brought with us for Scotland, but won’t need in the states. Pick up any things which we might need and had stored, and also leave our car with friends. We will then travel to the states, drop off the bulk of our luggage before take just what we need for the onward journey to California. Once the hearing is completed and citizenship is official, we will be able to apply for passports. We will also have 6 months (maximum) in the states in order to spend time with family and ministry partners and to see the Lord bring in the additional monthly support (around $2,000 per month) we need to meet our growing needs and to replace support lost over time.

We are thankful for how the Lord continues to guide each step! He has been and continues to be our light even in the midst of the tunnel. But we are also thankful He is leading us to the other side of this crazy citizenship journey…one that will be 13 months in the making…

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Marking Milestones

LS

Yesterday, September 1st, marked a significant milestone. We crossed the one year mark of our “gotcha” day for our Brazilian kids. It is hard to believe only a year has passed as in some senses it feels like it has been much more time than that. But in other senses it is hard to believe that a year has already passed since it seems like only yesterday we were walking into a government building and nervously shaking hands and giving first hugs to our new kids. So much has happened in that time.

To make the day special, we decided to take a school break (although, not to worry, we accounted for this and started a day earlier in order to keep the balance of school days). Our kids were thrilled to not have to engage in subjects especially since the start to the school year is always a challenge. We did some research and found the closest Brazilian steakhouse and yes, we were that crazy family who drove the 3 hours to Aberdeen to eat at the rodizio (all you can eat meats which come to the table carried by waiters). Truth be told, our kids would have probably been thrilled (maybe even more so) with a trip to Burger King. However, we hope that we are building memories at the same time. We were thankful that the restaurant was quite good (especially considering the price tag and travel time) and also not too crowded. The kids all got some feijoao (a traditional black bean stew served over rice), which reminded them of Brazil.

One of the important things to do, from time to time, is to reflect back. It helps us try to keep perspective and not lose hope. If you were to read some of our early posts, it is remarkable how much has changed in just a year’s time. Our last trip to a very fancy, very expensive, and very crowded rodizio in Curitiba was stressful, to say the least. Kids ate in under 25 minutes (after a 2 hour wait) and then were wanting to leave right away. They had almost no meat (the expensive stuff at the restaurant) and only consumed a bit from the salad bar. We went to a park later to immediately be met with a chorus of “I’m hungry!”. This go around we enjoyed over an hour at the restaurant. And, while we are still trying to convince our kids there is plenty of food and they don’t need to stuff their faces like there is the risk of food disappearing, nothing felt rushed or stressed. That is an enormous improvement from a time in which going to a restaurant was one of the most stressful things to do.

We even managed to find cans of Guarana, the favorite soft drink of Brazil. The kids were thrilled to get the taste of that after a year of absence. Sometimes the small things can make a huge difference. We were grateful for the chance to remember a monumental moment. This is a milestone which reminds us that God is gracious, faithful, and good. One year down, many more to go. There is much yet to come and to be done, but we are in awe of all that the Lord has already done and His grace to us. We never thought we would be here and we never thought we would make it here. We are convinced we are a special kind of crazy…but thankfully the Lord sustains and upholds these types of people too! Now we just need those “I survived the first 365 days” T-Shirts to arrive…but in all seriousness, we are thankful for the Lord’s provision and how many people He has used in the process! Here is to the next 365 days of experiencing God’s daily mercies!

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The Many Faces of Anxiety

LS

I am sure you have had the sensation sometime in your life: nervous energy. There is something happening that you are nervous and anxious about and you can’t seem to keep still. Sometimes you are aware of it and sometimes habit just seems to kick in. Like how suddenly the house can get a deep cleaning when it otherwise is a struggle to just tidy up…maybe we need a bit more nervous energy around. Of course, it is quite ironic, that at times when we actually need motivation, none of this energy seems present. And not all nervous energy is funneled toward constructive things. In fact, often times kids can direct it toward things which are destructive. They don’t know what to do with the nerves, they are highly stressed and anxious, and the best way they know how to resolve it is to do something that will grab your attention – even if it is in a negative sense.

This is something all of us have felt and learned to deal with…or perhaps not learned which might explain why things suddenly get very organized, straightened, and in place before any sort of speaking engagements…perhaps we ought to alert the venues to save the cleaning until 20 minutes before the start?!? The challenge is that most kids have not learned how to handle or even identify this. And that is magnified in two senses for adoptive children. In the first place, no one has helped them learn how to handle and regulate themselves in such times. And in the second place, there are often more things that can set off their triggers and leave them feeling anxious.

As mentioned, the results of nervous energy are not always bad. It can turn into something productive which can then cause the underlying issue, anxiety, fear, worry, to get missed because the outcome was so good. Take our recent visit from our social worker. We have a fantastic social worker who we are incredibly grateful for. She has been a wonderful source of help and encouragement and has only done one other, very positive, house visit with all the kids. Her most recent trip seemed entirely normal. We all picked her up at the airport, she was having nice small talk with the kids, the afternoon seemed otherwise normal. While the kids were playing, we went into the living room to talk and shut the door to avoid sensitive topics getting heard out of context.

Part way through the time, the vacuum cleaner started going in operation. And not just for a little bit, but it moved from one room to the next. Then it went upstairs as our house got a new facelift. When we finished our chat and moved into the kitchen to start dinner prep, all the kids were in the corner of the dining room (which is not where they normally play) – the room closest to the living room. While they weren’t by the door or trying to eavesdrop, they were all as close as possible, hardly making a sound as they quietly colored…you would have thought we had 5 angels do a quick body exchange for the evening!

Blink and you miss it. Everything seems in order. The house was clean and quiet. The kids were unusually calm and no one appeared panicked. But, you see, this is one of the many faces of anxiety. Not because there was any perceptible threat…it was a disruption to the normal routine, a somewhat unknown person, a conversation in private, and connected to the adoption…not in any negative way or in the sense of potential for dissolvement. But it triggered something and the nervous energy came out in a way that could easily be overlooked. Nerves are funny things and kids often are far less in tune to be able to notice them. If you ask the kids how they felt or if everything was all right, they would have said “normal” and “yes”. Kids have a hard enough time labeling and identifying emotions, more so when no one has been there to lovingly guide them through this process.

Thankfully not every day contains a threat or leaves a child anxious. But you might be surprised at how often it does occur. And the sad thing is that in some ways because it occurs so often it becomes normal which makes it even harder for kids to spot and can sometimes make it harder for adults too…because it doesn’t seem abnormal…but maybe that is more a sign that a child is stuck in a high state of anxiety rather than that they are actually just “like this”. They say time heals all wounds…but we tend to think, expect, and anticipate that time will also fly by. And when it comes to anxiety that has been developed over years, it will likely take as long if not longer to undo.

But each day provides new opportunities and new grace. Most glorious is the truth that the Lord is the One who is pictured as the Rock, the sure point, the stronghold, the place of refuge. It is our prayer that anxious hearts will learn to find rest and peace in Him…both young and old ones 🙂

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An Extra Rinse Cycle

LS

Life in Scotland continues to be filled with adventures. Learning a new culture and adapting to life always takes some time and isn’t without its share of hiccups along the way. As a large family, we seem to constantly be running loads of laundry just to try to keep up. The best way to get them dried is to hang them up on the clothes line just outside our kitchen window. With the sea breeze, they tend to dry rather quickly. However, on several occasions, despite checking the weather app, we have hung up laundry only to discover that they were going to get a couple of extra rinse cycles. Thankfully, other than delaying the drying process, there is no significant harm from getting a few extra rinses from nature in.

These unexpected delays are things which reflect the nature of our family. Many times it feels like we take a few steps forward only to discover we had to take a massive step backward. Transition and uncertainty can cause regression to take place. Accidents, falling back into old fears, worrying about emotional states again, struggling to attach to more than one individual once more…it can feel like we are stuck in a rinse cycle and unable to get fully dry. However, thankfully, these are things which don’t cause any long term damage. They do test our patience significantly and our resolve as well. But they also provide opportunities to revisit some of these challenges and think about how to resolve them once more.

Old habits do die hard and they seem to pop back up when life seems unstable. Change doesn’t happen overnight for any of us and yet all of us want it to and almost expect it to. Then come the unexpected extra rinse cycles and if we aren’t careful we can be on the verge of collapse. But if and when we are able to step back and gain some perspective and some fresh air, we will hopefully see that a few additional rinse cycles aren’t the end of the world even if it means waiting longer for the end result.

And when you think about it, regression makes a lot of sense. Transitions have not always been favorable. Children who were constantly worried about the emotional state of their parents or who were taken to an orphanage under the impression they were going somewhere else or who suddenly lost their culture, their country, and what was their identity are bound to relapse into patterns of defense, protection, comfort, or survival. And often this happen subconsciously. It can even happen when the transition is for the better…because in the moment it might be terrifying or it might vividly recall one that was terrifying. This is not, as is often the refrain in these posts, something unique to adoption. All children will take steps backward when a major transition occurs. Perhaps the difference is that the step backward can be a bit larger in part because emotional age is already way behind biological age. Perhaps it is that children with secure homes and secure attachments will often grab onto those whom bring a sense of calm and security in such times. But for children coming from insecure homes with no healthy attachments, who or what do they grab onto? And can you imagine feeling like the world is collapsing around you and there is no one to hold your hand or wrap you in an embrace?

So a few extra rinses are to be expected and despite the rainy days, God doesn’t flood the earth. The sun will come out and the clothes will eventually dry…at least so we have been told 😀