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The Many Faces of Anxiety

LS

I am sure you have had the sensation sometime in your life: nervous energy. There is something happening that you are nervous and anxious about and you can’t seem to keep still. Sometimes you are aware of it and sometimes habit just seems to kick in. Like how suddenly the house can get a deep cleaning when it otherwise is a struggle to just tidy up…maybe we need a bit more nervous energy around. Of course, it is quite ironic, that at times when we actually need motivation, none of this energy seems present. And not all nervous energy is funneled toward constructive things. In fact, often times kids can direct it toward things which are destructive. They don’t know what to do with the nerves, they are highly stressed and anxious, and the best way they know how to resolve it is to do something that will grab your attention – even if it is in a negative sense.

This is something all of us have felt and learned to deal with…or perhaps not learned which might explain why things suddenly get very organized, straightened, and in place before any sort of speaking engagements…perhaps we ought to alert the venues to save the cleaning until 20 minutes before the start?!? The challenge is that most kids have not learned how to handle or even identify this. And that is magnified in two senses for adoptive children. In the first place, no one has helped them learn how to handle and regulate themselves in such times. And in the second place, there are often more things that can set off their triggers and leave them feeling anxious.

As mentioned, the results of nervous energy are not always bad. It can turn into something productive which can then cause the underlying issue, anxiety, fear, worry, to get missed because the outcome was so good. Take our recent visit from our social worker. We have a fantastic social worker who we are incredibly grateful for. She has been a wonderful source of help and encouragement and has only done one other, very positive, house visit with all the kids. Her most recent trip seemed entirely normal. We all picked her up at the airport, she was having nice small talk with the kids, the afternoon seemed otherwise normal. While the kids were playing, we went into the living room to talk and shut the door to avoid sensitive topics getting heard out of context.

Part way through the time, the vacuum cleaner started going in operation. And not just for a little bit, but it moved from one room to the next. Then it went upstairs as our house got a new facelift. When we finished our chat and moved into the kitchen to start dinner prep, all the kids were in the corner of the dining room (which is not where they normally play) – the room closest to the living room. While they weren’t by the door or trying to eavesdrop, they were all as close as possible, hardly making a sound as they quietly colored…you would have thought we had 5 angels do a quick body exchange for the evening!

Blink and you miss it. Everything seems in order. The house was clean and quiet. The kids were unusually calm and no one appeared panicked. But, you see, this is one of the many faces of anxiety. Not because there was any perceptible threat…it was a disruption to the normal routine, a somewhat unknown person, a conversation in private, and connected to the adoption…not in any negative way or in the sense of potential for dissolvement. But it triggered something and the nervous energy came out in a way that could easily be overlooked. Nerves are funny things and kids often are far less in tune to be able to notice them. If you ask the kids how they felt or if everything was all right, they would have said “normal” and “yes”. Kids have a hard enough time labeling and identifying emotions, more so when no one has been there to lovingly guide them through this process.

Thankfully not every day contains a threat or leaves a child anxious. But you might be surprised at how often it does occur. And the sad thing is that in some ways because it occurs so often it becomes normal which makes it even harder for kids to spot and can sometimes make it harder for adults too…because it doesn’t seem abnormal…but maybe that is more a sign that a child is stuck in a high state of anxiety rather than that they are actually just “like this”. They say time heals all wounds…but we tend to think, expect, and anticipate that time will also fly by. And when it comes to anxiety that has been developed over years, it will likely take as long if not longer to undo.

But each day provides new opportunities and new grace. Most glorious is the truth that the Lord is the One who is pictured as the Rock, the sure point, the stronghold, the place of refuge. It is our prayer that anxious hearts will learn to find rest and peace in Him…both young and old ones 🙂

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An Extra Rinse Cycle

LS

Life in Scotland continues to be filled with adventures. Learning a new culture and adapting to life always takes some time and isn’t without its share of hiccups along the way. As a large family, we seem to constantly be running loads of laundry just to try to keep up. The best way to get them dried is to hang them up on the clothes line just outside our kitchen window. With the sea breeze, they tend to dry rather quickly. However, on several occasions, despite checking the weather app, we have hung up laundry only to discover that they were going to get a couple of extra rinse cycles. Thankfully, other than delaying the drying process, there is no significant harm from getting a few extra rinses from nature in.

These unexpected delays are things which reflect the nature of our family. Many times it feels like we take a few steps forward only to discover we had to take a massive step backward. Transition and uncertainty can cause regression to take place. Accidents, falling back into old fears, worrying about emotional states again, struggling to attach to more than one individual once more…it can feel like we are stuck in a rinse cycle and unable to get fully dry. However, thankfully, these are things which don’t cause any long term damage. They do test our patience significantly and our resolve as well. But they also provide opportunities to revisit some of these challenges and think about how to resolve them once more.

Old habits do die hard and they seem to pop back up when life seems unstable. Change doesn’t happen overnight for any of us and yet all of us want it to and almost expect it to. Then come the unexpected extra rinse cycles and if we aren’t careful we can be on the verge of collapse. But if and when we are able to step back and gain some perspective and some fresh air, we will hopefully see that a few additional rinse cycles aren’t the end of the world even if it means waiting longer for the end result.

And when you think about it, regression makes a lot of sense. Transitions have not always been favorable. Children who were constantly worried about the emotional state of their parents or who were taken to an orphanage under the impression they were going somewhere else or who suddenly lost their culture, their country, and what was their identity are bound to relapse into patterns of defense, protection, comfort, or survival. And often this happen subconsciously. It can even happen when the transition is for the better…because in the moment it might be terrifying or it might vividly recall one that was terrifying. This is not, as is often the refrain in these posts, something unique to adoption. All children will take steps backward when a major transition occurs. Perhaps the difference is that the step backward can be a bit larger in part because emotional age is already way behind biological age. Perhaps it is that children with secure homes and secure attachments will often grab onto those whom bring a sense of calm and security in such times. But for children coming from insecure homes with no healthy attachments, who or what do they grab onto? And can you imagine feeling like the world is collapsing around you and there is no one to hold your hand or wrap you in an embrace?

So a few extra rinses are to be expected and despite the rainy days, God doesn’t flood the earth. The sun will come out and the clothes will eventually dry…at least so we have been told 😀

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The Hidden Memory

LS

God is truly an incredible Designer. All you have to do is look around in nature to see beauty of the most spectacular sort. We are surrounded by it in rolling hills, the sound of seagulls, the lush green of pastures, the bleating of lambs, the view of the seashore. But it isn’t just creation, it is how He has designed us as creatures. Our bodies are a wonderous mystery…something that has been the subject of study and curiosity for several thousands of years and we still have failed to uncover all the mysteries of the human body.

All you have to do to get a small taste of this is to consider how much our body does at a subconscious level. You have a whole military defense unit which is operating apart from your awareness. You have alarm systems and emergency mechanisms which automatically kick into place when they are triggered. None of this occurs with deliberate engagement on your part, these are all systems which are put into place to protect us from imminent danger.

These responses of ours are so well tuned and honed, that studying them can yield a wealth of ideas for how to design other such response systems which can be practically employed. We are most grateful for these things especially when emergencies are upon us. The ability to react in a split second without thought can be the difference between life and death.

However, as marvelous as these things are, trouble can arise when our responses get tested in ways they never should or when they get stuck in the on position for too long or too often. They weren’t designed for such action and, as studying God’s creation has shown, every action has an opposite and equal reaction. Leaving an emergency defense system designed to rapidly burn energy in order to produce hyperawareness, hyperresponse, and hyperaction on or flipping the switch too frequently is akin to revving a car engine without respite. A few times won’t cause much harm, but overuse will lead to burn out or engine failure.

This is where trauma can enter in and make a horrible mess out of a glorious design. This is especially true when it comes to children as it interrupts the programing years, the years of development, the years in which it is easiest to impact the systems in place. Imagine a child who has faced a serious threat or a devastating loss. You have likely had this happen to you – how long did it take you to recover? What did your body do to defend itself or rejuvenate itself? That is after years of having established solid foundations. But what might that look like if you never were able to establish any secure foundations? And what would it look like if this wasn’t a one time occurrence, but repetitive?

As you might imagine, this might lead to your body developing certain defense mechanisms, survival tactics, and lifestyle routines which you aren’t cognizantly aware of or fully understanding. This might simply seem normal to you or the way you have always been and you don’t know any differently. This means you wouldn’t be able to explain it, address it, reprogram it, or heal from it.

This is where things can get really tricky, really fast. Now these are not things unique to adoption and not all adoptive kids have this or have it to the same extent. But they are more likely to be a part of an adoption story especially since all adoptions begin with some level of loss…how high that level is can very greatly, but all of them begin with loss of biological family minimally. For adoptive parents, this is where life can feel like a massive jigsaw puzzle with no box top to help guide the way.

Are outbursts simply a “normal” response or are they due to hidden traumas that have developed mechanisms which are getting triggered by something? Is compulsive behavior mischievousness or masking a survival technique? Is sleeping without waking rested due to growth, hormones, stage of life, or is it a sign of a body which is unable to fully rest because it has been stuck in hyperalert mode due to ever present dangers?

As you might imagine, the way one answers these questions can drastically impact the approach one takes to resolving them. If I know my child is simply going through a stage of life or something particularly stressful, I might respond by trying to resolve the immediate issue at hand – fatigue, emotional imbalance, etc. However, if this is an unconscious response programmed in, it means that simply treating the symptoms won’t actually fix the issue and might leave it either unresolved or reinforce the danger of dealing with the root issues.

The body has a hidden memory system that stores, files, analyzes, and on that basis adjusts, defends, programs, builds. And this points to God’s marvelous design…even our best efforts haven’t been able to match this yet! But it also means that our bodies might remember and react to that which we aren’t aware of any more or have actually subconsciously blocked out of memory (another amazing ability to attempt to self heal).

With the passage of time, patterns start to slowly emerge and behavioral norms are getting more established. This helps us to start to see what might be biological, what might be temporal, and what might be traumatic. But, that being said, we often feel like we are fumbling about in the dark trying to locate any small glimmer of light without tripping over anything or accidentally destroying any fragile elements. Prayers are much needed and very, very much appreciated.

And we are thankful for the amazing support of so many! The ongoing prayers are sustaining us in ways you will likely never know and ways we don’t even fully see (although what we do see leaves us in humble gratitude). People taking time to check in on us and see how we are doing…who want to listen and empathize. An adoption agency who has been phenomenally supportive, overflowing with resources, and a social worker who has been incredibly encouraging, praying for us, and caring for us all. Friends and mentors who are willing to drop everything and spend hours with us, letting us verbally (and emotionally) vomit. And the Lord directing us through other to very helpful resources: The Bible…which not only upholds us, guides us, but also keeps proving to be the greatest wisdom applicable to every situation; learning through exposure…there is so much we are finding our kids teaching us (even though they have no clue), curiosity and patient examination yields some remarkable observations, outcomes, and insights…and other resources from those who have also studied or walked a similar road (The Connected Child or our most recent acquisition The Body Keeps the Score). Thank you for caring for us as we seek to do our best, despite our own weaknesses and failings, to care for God’s fearfully and wonderfully made image bearers.

Finally, as a tagline bonus (especially if you made it this far) – this past Sunday we were blessed to join the Dornoch Free Church of Scotland. If you are curious to see how worship styles and liturgies can differ even amongst churches in the same denomination only half an hour apart, feel free to check this out:

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Life After the Honeymoon

LS

Perhaps you have heard the term “Honeymoon Phase”. It is used to refer to the initial excitement over something new. At first everything seems amazing and nothing could possibly be wrong. There is new life, new energy, a new sense of thrill. However, like all things, the honeymoon phase does not last forever.

Our kids definitely were honeymooning hard the first few days in Scotland. Life was exciting and thrilling. Everything was new and they could hardly take it all in. In fact, the very first day we had to call them inside and inform that that playing soccer loudly in the yard before 7am was not permitted. The excitement of a new place combined with the sun rising before 5am meant that they had been up and at it for a while and decided they ought to begin an early game (even though they have never been permitted to play outside before breakfast before).

The yard was incredibly thrilling…it is larger than ours was in Germany, laid out better, with far thicker and kid resistent grass. The house was even interesting, the layout of the rooms, the nearness of the sea. Everyone was on cloud nine. And then the honeymoon ended.

Nearly 4 days after it had begun, the yard was suddenly boring. The excitement for early morning soccer matches was replaced with irritation when mom and dad informed them that running activities were for outside only and not indoors. The rooms that were cool suddenly needed to be kept straight and tidy with nothing moved around, cut into, colored on, or any other type of mischievousness.

Thankfully the after honeymoon phase is also not eternal. Life begins to settle into some semblance of normal. Routines are developed and the benefit of a massive transition is that it affords us a natural way of making some smaller advances alongside it. You see, because there is already so much new happening with adoption, parents are often needing to carefully pick and choose what to introduce when. Kids are overwhelmed by new settings, new rules, new routines, a new language, a new culture, and it is all enough to leave them in a state of panic or hypersensitivity. This means that we try to minimize as much as possible with the intention of gradually introducing in a way that will be more manageable.

However, that too has difficulties as it means putting up with habits that are not good or doing more work initially until chores and responsibilities can be manageably introduced. It also can mean, if not done well, that kids feel there are constant minor adjustments occurring…which means we have to slow things down even more to get some stability for a while before changing again. But moving to Scotland gave a natural break to be able to reintroduce some helpful and much needed habits. Of course, as you might imagine, that combined with a honeymoon in the rearview mirror has made for some rollercoaster reactions. But by God’s grace we continue to be thankful to see all the improvements that are happening. The going is hard. We knew it would be. And often it is hard to see the progress in the midst of what feels like trying to simply avoid drowning. Yet, in the grand scheme of things, we are incredibly thankful for how much has transpired in such a short period of time.

And as the honeymoon has come to an end, we are thankful to see how God allows us to establish a new sense of normal…with better habits and small strides in the right direct.

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A New Perspective

LS

Being in Scotland for just short of 2 weeks has given us time to contemplate and gain some new perspectives. There are many things we can and will share…oh if we were just back in the days of getting paid by the word like Charles Dickens (which makes sense why he was so elaborate in descriptions!), we would be millionaires! But instead we get to share our random thoughts that you so kindly read 🙂

As we have been settling in we have really loved getting to know the church community here. We have only just begun to scratch the surface of getting to know people and histories, but already we have been very blessed. One of the interesting things this has caused us to think about is the small church dynamic and the often unforeseen challenges.

The Christian world is often more influenced by secular values than we care to admit. Like the frog in the pot, the temperature rises without us realizing we are boiling alive in our cultures. Living overseas already has offered us many new perspectives on this aspect. But now moving to a small church community is giving us more perspectives to think upon.

You see, the small church dynamic illustrates a typical problem to which answers are very few. The church at Hilton has been looking for an assistant minister for several years with no luck. The hope is to find someone who would eventually be able to take over as the senior pastor of Hilton once the church has reached a self sustaining size (and it isn’t far off now). But, as several of the elders shared with us, the challenge is to find anyone at all. Seminary graduates are often prime candidates for such positions. However, many of them are not really interested in moving far off the beaten path and strongly pursue opportunities in larger cities. Indeed, even getting someone out for an internship is hard and although the internship model is a great way to train and to field future ministers, it primarily benefits churches large enough to be able to host interns.

Furthermore, many seminary graduates are now looking for younger churches with university students. One reason is because these are the types of churches they have been attending lately and are comfortable with. And a location like Hilton, in the Scottish Highlands, has a reputation for being more traditional and conservative (and in many ways it is…but there is actually someone refreshing about that for us and much to admire and learn from).

Getting help beyond national candidates is just as hard for small churches. Missions groups are typically focusing on larger cities. The argument used to justify this is that we need to send people the most strategic locations. The way we define this is places where there is a maximal opportunity for impact. This means larger cities and certainly moves small, country churches to the bottom of the priority list.

Please don’t misunderstand this – this is not a diatribe against being strategic or against targeting larger cities. We certainly need to do that. But interestingly enough, Scripture doesn’t ever give any such mandates or even guidelines for this. In fact, much of our strategic convictions arise from secular models and approaches. You can certainly find examples of people planting churches in Scripture in large and flourishing places with a big impact. But you can also find examples of God sending messengers to places where they have little to no impact. Isaiah, Ezekiel, and Jeremiah are all illustrations of prophets who, by worldly measures had very little impact and were not strategic. No one listened to them, they didn’t have followings, their “fruit” was nonexistent. Yet, they are faithful to a call. Because of this, they are having an impact on generations to come and their inspired writings are being used by the Holy Spirit to transform lives.

Perhaps we simply need to consider rethinking things a bit. Maybe we should target the big cities, see large, flourishing churches established, while also equally emphasizing the small gatherings. The Lord has some amazing people at Hilton, who are very passionate for the Lord and His Word. They too need an undershepherd who will care for them and lead them to the Shepherd. Prayerfully the Lord will raise up the right person in a short time. But maybe we can also seek to encourage up and coming pastors to have a heart for the small flocks, not just eyes on numbers. Maybe we can compel missions boards to seek to also prioritize the smaller villages and not just be concerned about statistical advances. Maybe this is the Lord preparing us, in His kindness and mercy, for church planting in Innsbruck….or maybe He closes doors and opens others. But in the meantime, we are so thankful to have the privilege and the honor of getting to serve and being served by the glorious fold of the Great Shepherd gathered twice on Sundays and throughout the week at the Seaboard Village of Hilton in the Scottish Highlands. Won’t you join us in praying for them? In praying for their needs and for the Lord to bring along a pastor?

And, if you are curious to experience a service, you can find the link to the full evening service Luke was blessed to preach at here…and we hope you will be as blessed as we have been to experience singing the Psalms!

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The Transitory Life

LS

We have been thankful to be settling into our temporary home in Scotland. It has been a joy to be in this village, meet with the congregation, worship together, and take in the beautiful and very calming scenery. We have also manage to explore some of the area as we take advantage of summer break and a short time of respite. We will certainly continue to share more of this and our adventures in the seaboard villages of the Highlands!

One of the aspects of missions life is the transitory nature it brings with it. In some sense the ground seems like it is constantly moving. If you have ever been on a boat for any significant period of time, you know of the phenomena of sea legs versus land legs. We experienced this recently on our overnight ferry. At first, everyone is stumbling about the boat, looking like a pack of drunken sailors (and no, we didn’t let our kids ingest alcoholic beverages despite how they might have looked). After a while you get used to the movement and your body starts to make the necessary adjustments to maintain a more stable balance. The funny thing about this is that once you get to stable land, you actually feel as though the ground is moving underneath your feet and you might look even more intoxicated on dry land.

Missions life can sometimes feel like this. The seas are swelling around and movement is constantly happening. In order to adjust and to survive or settle in, you begin to learn coping mechanisms as means of dealing with the ever changing landscapes. This happens subtly and often without notice.

Our kids began to experience some of this with our recent many upheavals. The transition out of Germany was hard, good, and involved many goodbyes. In the midst of all of this, several of our children stoutly declared that they were not going to make any friends during our time in Scotland. The reason wasn’t the language barriers or even the brevity of duration of stay. Rather, they didn’t want to have to loose friends again or need to say goodbye. The easiest solution? You don’t have to say goodbye if you don’t ever say hello in the first place. Loss doesn’t happen if you never posses something to begin with.

This afforded a good chance to help them think through and be genuine about the pain of loss. Losing friends hurts and is difficult. Losing a country, a national identity, a language, a culture, a former family – these are all significant losses. Various psychological tests would classify each of these as major traumatic events which can have long lasting impact. And to have all of them happen at once and then less then a year later to go through that again is difficult to say the least. However, even though without risk there will be no loss, there will also be no reward. The pain of loss tells us something of the joy of gain. That we had good friends who had an impact on our lives and this is exactly why saying goodbye is difficult.

Thankfully, this resolution was short lived and our kids have already made some friends and have enjoyed spending time with other kids. Goodbyes are hard and should not be minimized. But they also shouldn’t prevent us from opening up to say hello. Rather, it makes us all the more aware of the truths of Scripture – that we are pilgrims and wanderers in this life. This is not our actual home and we will be in a state of transition all the way until we arrive at our eternal home. And for those who are in Christ, that day will be a day of reunion in which goodbyes will be a thing of the past.

But in the meantime, the challenges transition brings are especially acutely felt by those who have been scarred and marred by traumatic events. Yet, we are able to help them learn that in the midst of uncertainty, the truth of the Lord remains – that He is good, He is sovereign, and He has provided salvation for us who desperately need it, if we will just turn in faith and repentance. And on this earth, this family is God’s provision as a forever family – not one that will stop, give up, fall apart, or disintegrate. The Lord is gracious to provide some stable points when the ship is being tossed to and fro and helps us get our feet underneath us when we have made it to dry land.

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Arriving at the Next Stop

LS

After several days of travel, we were thankful to arrive at our next stop. We were able to break the trip up over several days, going from Munich to a small city close to Dusseldorf and Cologne on Tuesday. On Wednesday we drove the remaining distance to the wharfs just outside of Amsterdam. We were able to have lunch in view of Schiphol International Airport before spending some time at a ruin castle and then continuing onto our ferry. Wednesday late afternoon we boarded the ferry, enjoyed dinner aboard, didn’t realize that the sea sickness medication would hit us just afterward like a sledgehammer (or perhaps it was a week of hectic packing and cleaning?), and then slept well before breakfast and disembarking. Then on Thursday we drove the remaining distance, arriving early evening at our new home.

We were so thankful to be greeted by a warm meal delivered and another meal in the fridge. Both of these we unexpected blessings along with the fruit, dry goods, toys, and other things that were graciously brought to the Manse we are staying in. After all the travel, it was amazing to be blessed in this way by a church community we haven’t had a chance to meet in person yet. The Body of Christ in action is such an enormous blessing and a tremendous encouragement…especially to weary travelers (from the physical roads and the spiritual roads).

The tiny village we are staying in is a sea coastal town which can be walked end to end in a few minutes. The views are gorgeous, the Manse is spacious (larger than our now former home), the yard is very large (much to the delight of World Cup frenzied kids), and the wind is quite stiff. We are thankful for and very excited to see what new adventures the Lord has in store for us.

Today we travelled to a nearby larger town to celebrate our 11th anniversary by getting lunch as a family and wandering around to explore. There is nothing more romantic than fish and chips while keeping kids under control, but we are so thankful for the life the Lord has blessed us with. It is incredible to think about what has happened in the last 11 years.

  • We have made two international house moves
  • We have lived for more than a month in 5 different countries on 3 different continents
  • We have been blessed to adopt 5 kids
  • We have changed missions boards to focus on a different aspect of ministry and seen the Lord open the doors for ministry in 3 countries, with a 4th on the horizon
  • We have seen the Lord open the doors for teaching in Europe and beyond, getting connected to India and what God is doing there
  • We have watched as God threw us into pastoral ministry and then gave us a heart to see this have a permanent place in our future ministry role

We could list and name so many more things! Learning languages, learning cultures, learning trauma, learning how what we think is stressful can seem like a piece of cake by comparison with what God brings later. But above all, we have learned how faithful, gracious, and sovereign the Lord is. If you had told us even half of this 11 years ago, we would have laughed it off as ridiculous or maybe been more hesitant about starting down the journey. Yet, reflecting back, we can see how the Lord has prepared us for the next step and slowly, kindly led us through every storm. The seas have certainly not been calm and stiff breezes have been a constant. But the Lord has anchored us all the way through.

Even our current tempest is being used by Him for His glory and our good. It leaves us excited to think what He will do in us even as we pray He is pleased to do things through us.

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And We’re Off!

LS

We apologize for the delay, more so than usual, in getting an update out. Life went into super crazy mode over the last week. It was full of boxing, transporting, moving, cleaning, downsizing, and trying to keep an eye on 5 kids. But today, we managed to get everything into storage or our car, and pulled out of Olching, Germany. We made it to a stopping point just outside of Cologne and will continue to Amsterdam tomorrow before boarding an overnight ferry to Newcastle, England and then driving to Hilton, Scotland.

Some things we have learned over the last week:

  • As you begin packing, your stuff literally begins multiplying…it felt like a recreation of the 2 fish and 5 loaves…our things were having babies at an unbelievable rate
  • Letting go can be difficult – more to come on this later, adults can struggle with this, but our kids really were connect to stuff and sometimes the oddest things (that had no sentimental value whatsoever). We had to send a child back to the trash pile to return a plastic fly swatter which had a crack, confiscate old make up bottles, return small gift boxes (not theirs), and insist that a plastic paper holder which did not belong to them was indeed getting thrown out
  • Kids get into the most mind scratching trouble when left to their own devices because mom and dad are running around crazily trying to pack…a neighbor complaining because a kid picked up a large pine tree branch that he had set to the side (which had fallen on the sidewalk) and then relocated to the top of his car illustrates this
  • Dad felt like he should look like the Michelin tire man after moving the entire house (with the help of some amazing friends) using just our van and a one day larger car rental for heavy furniture items only to sadly realize that the reality is that he looks more like the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz (and feels about 20 years older than his biological age)
  • Our van has a mysterious, magical ability to shrink things put into it…would you believe that all our boxed stuff and most of the furniture fit into about 6 trips with the van?
  • The heaviest, most difficult item to move is the double sided refrigerator…why that is so heavy is truly beyond belief…the three person sofa and the deep Freezer tied for close seconds
  • Friends are an incredible blessing and gift from God – we had people coming over to scrub, clean, dust, wipe, organize, sort, lift, carry, cook, babysit, store, and all kids of other things! What an enormous blessing! This move simply would not have been possible in this time frame otherwise!
  • Regulating kids whose emotions are all over the place is difficult when we are regulated ourselves…it is exhausting beyond belief when we are also teetering on the edge of meltdown. We definitely felt like we needed someone to regulate us on multiple occasions!
  • Rooms look significantly larger without stuff in them!

We could continue to list more and likely will in the coming days. But for now, this is the short list and as we prepare for our final night in Germany after having already spent our final night in our now former house, we are incredibly thankful for all of God’s blessings. The reality of a chapter closing has hit home more as we pulled out of the driveway for the final time. But it was a wonderful chance to reflect on all the many ways the Lord has richly lavished His kindness upon us. And we look forward to seeing what the next chapter has in store!

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Redemption

LS

We are currently surrounded by boxes and incredible chaos. It seems that the more you try to pack the more things get cluttered. It makes it hard to see the progress, although we are hoping we are getting near to the end.

In the midst of the chaos of moving, we are also trying to help those impacted by the chaos of the move. We have shared different aspects of trying to help children regulate. It is not a one time thing either. It is more like a daily, moment by moment type of thing. There is a ton which we have learned through this and many things that can be shared.

One of the many things that has come out of this has been the chance to talk with our kids about their past. Transitions often bring about regression especially amongst adoptive children. While all children will get stressed and perhaps revert back to some former habits, adoptive children can almost seem to move years backwards rather than just steps. Part of this has to do with transitions bringing the past back to the forefront. This can resurface dramas and hardships. It can make it hard to work through and resolve without first travelling backward in time to understand, as best as possible.

Fortunately, some of our kids habe been willing to travel back in time with us and give us some small glimpses of the past. Their story is theirs to tell and ours to guard until they do. However, suffice to say that it is not a pleasant journey either for the story teller or the audience. Multiple of them have had trouble thinking about anything positive, even the smallest positive thing about their life before the orphanage. In their words, there was nothing positive about this part of their past.

Recently, one of them was talking and the question came up about what is something they would change about their past, if possible. The most negative aspects and individuals were the quick, easy, and anticipated answer. But what was not so anticipated was what came next. The child paused for a second and then said, “But then again, if those things hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have met you all and you wouldn’t have adopted me.” Given their story and the darkness surrounding it, this was a remarkable thought to have come out unprompted.

The amazing thought can be summarized with the word redemption. Redemption means to buy back something which was lost. It is the image of a possession sold to settle a debt or provide needed funds that is then repurchased by the original owner. A child experienced a life no one should ever have to endure, lost a family that should have been and sadly never was, and yet, through all the tragedy, is able to see how the Lord works through sin to bring about His purposes and His purposes for His own are good. It provided a great chance to share about how God is able to take pain and sin, and redeem what was lost in a glorious finale that none other could produce or even imagine.

This is the story of all of God’s adoptive children – we were lost in our sins and trespasses. Our darkness was our own making. Yet, God in His kindness did not leave us in our darkness. Rather, He stepped in, invaded with His light, and redeemed His own…bought them back, and brought them into a family.

This isn’t to say the darkness is excusable or that it is easy to say, share, hear, or feel. It is wrong and always will be. Yet, it is to say that even as evil as sin can be, God can bring about something good – not because of, but in spite of the best attempts of the darkness. Because God is a God who redeems. And that is a glorious truth worth celebrating even as the darkness is mourned over. Praise God for His redemptive work!

Now…about those boxes…perhaps something else needs some redemption…

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When Life Gives You Lemons

LS

As the saying goes, when life give you lemons, make lemonade! The past several weeks have been full of goodbyes and letting go. Learning how to handle them and how to navigate emotions can be difficult. Regulation is not something we are born naturally knowing how to do.

We have been incredibly blessed by all the amazing love, care, and support that has been poured out upon us. We could not have asked for a sweeter, kinder, more heartfelt farewell. It made us realize how much of a family we truly had surrounding us and also made leaving all the harder.

Interestingly, our kids experienced this in a different way. They loved the gifts, kinds thoughts, love and embraces they received from everyone. And yet, for most of them, there wasn’t the same level of investment. Leaving has been a different experience for us as parents and for our first adopted son whose closest connections were in the church. For our other kids, they were coming in as outsiders for a short period of time. Yet, they were able to build connections and friendships in a short period of time.

Our final Sunday was especially emotional. We were very thankful for the time at MICC and, though the full weight of the emotions hasn’t hit us entirely, it did hit us sufficiently. In fact, the first remark from our kids after the final service was that this was all their fault and we are having to leave because of them. Now, before anyone reading this worries that they might have said something that might lead to this, we do want to assure you this was not the result of any particular comments. Rather, it is an underlying concern that surfaced…a concern that can often occur when major change happens that is perceived as negative. Children often feel that perhaps things they did or said led to this and it can cause anxiety and concern.

As we have mentioned in the past, adoptive children are not necessarily different in this sense. Rather the difference lies in the degree and the intensity. They know what it is like to lose everything, even if the result ends up being better. And they also know that a driving force behind the change was the adoption. However, until the goodbyes, it didn’t quite sink in about how difficult, sad, and emotional this would be for everyone, mom and dad included, and for the church. Before that, it was just changing one location not well known or invested in for another.

It is certainly understandable why they would draw this particular conclusion. Life has given them some serious lemons – ones that are more sour than just this event and ones that keep resurfacing whenever other lemons are handed out. Their lemons are more sour than most people ever get in their entire lives. Yet, lemons provide an opportunity despite their sourness. We had the chance to talk about how family is more important to us, how we trust that God is using this to move us in His direction, that this was our decision – not their fault and that we are so thankful for them. Though the transition is difficult and we don’t want to deny that, our family comes before our location of ministry or type of ministry. It also gives us the chance to share that the harvest is ripe all over – it is not difficult to find another field to work in…it will not be the same, it won’t have the people or the same connections, but the work is not scarce. Our family, on the other hand, is not replaceable in any sense. The health of our family and the needs of our family are a higher priority.

You see, God provides an opportunity to use the lemons to squeeze the lemonade of trust, love, and a firm foundation. It will take time, lots of repetition, and these feelings don’t disappear overnight. But, by God’s grace, lemonade can be produced.

Of course there is much more to share…mom and dad have been busy with goodbyes, packing, preparing, and helping everyone regulate that we haven’t been able to fully process things ourselves. But we are thankful for the glimpse the Lord has blessed us with into how He is working. In the lives of His family, the Body of Christ, and in the lives of our family. Divine lemonade, sweet, refreshing, and redemptive.