Tag: writing

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A Big Month

LS

September is a big month for us. We have been busy, travelling about, adjusting to life in Scotland, and discovering the timeframes for going to the USA. This week we have been at a conference in Edinburgh. The adventures of homeschooling with a family, at a conference have certainly been interesting. Thankfully the kids have done pretty well and are in a much better place than in the past. Even so, we have already had plenty of adventures…kids melting down (although thankfully in ways that are not as visible to others), finding out that the mischievous ones decided to unwrap all of the women’s products which are freely available in the restrooms, trying to discourage everyone from picking things up off the road, dealing (not always successfully) with teens and preteens who are convinced they know more.

But September is a big month for us for another reason. We have a birthday child in September, which we celebrated last week. A trip to Glasgow for some fun at Scotland’s Amusement Park (but think more on the carnival ride side of things) proved the birthday activity. We also have two very important milestones. September 1st is our Brazilian family day (1 year anniversary) and today, September 17th is our China family day. It has been 8 years since God started us on our adoption journey! It is crazy to think that 8 years have now passed since we walked into a hotel room with a pack and play, hardly able to sleep the night before meeting our first adoptive child.

Memories, celebrations, and milestones are such important things. We want to celebrate well the blessings of adoption. There are plenty of difficulties and hardships. If you have read this blog for any sort of time, you have likely seen that there is a whole other side to the adoption journey that most people don’t really know about. The road can be very windy and extremely difficult at times. However, we must not forget about the joys, the highlights, the mountain peaks, and the stunning views. The Lord has blessed us with an 8 year old family bond. And the truth is we struggle to remember what it was like before welcoming our first son home. We also can only recall the first few years as a distant memory. That gives us hope when we are in the midst of the stormy seas of the first few years with our newest family members. And each milestone, be it one year or eight, is significant. Looking back we can see how the Lord has graciously, patiently, mercifully, and, we imagine, at times humorously led us through eight years that we wouldn’t trade for anything else. Ironically, we were last in Scotland only a year into that first adoption. Our son spoke some Hungarian, limited English, and was still not understanding what a mom and dad truly are. Today he speaks English, German, Hungarian, and Portuguese, managed to get grades which would admit him to the higher level school track in Germany, knows what family means, and has grown and developed into a young man we are most thankful for and proud to have.

One of the fun parts of adoption is getting to celebrate the special day when God put us in each others’ lives. It reminds us of His sovereignty, but also His own adoption story. That we are adopted by Him and have special family days too. And surely heaven celebrates those milestones even more delightedly than our shallow attempts to replicate that on earth.

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Seared into our Brain

LS

In light of today, a question most Americans still remember hearing or asking is, where were you on September 11th, 2001? Many of us still have the image of television screens showing the horrifying live images of a plane flying into the World Trade Center and the buildings collapsing. There are certain events which have such a strong impact that they are seared into our brains. We can remember aspects of them vividly as if it were yesterday and yet other aspects are strangly fuzzy and missing.

One of the things we have been learning and discovering is that trauma can also work that way. Medical experts have demonstrated this and the book The Body Keeps the Score is an excellent recounting of the way that trauma can impact us physically even though we might not be aware of it (and no, we aren’t getting promotional paybacks yet…but perhaps if you buy enough copies we might get enough to pay our street parking fees…over 9 dollars an hour…not to mention the “fast food” “cheap” dinner for our family of seven…done with that rant except to say maybe we need to do one of those puppy eye hungry kids pictures as a means of motivating financial support…). It is fascinating how God has designed our bodies with such capacities.

However, we have been learning about this from the instruction manual of life. And despite knowing, reading, and even talking about it, we are still caught of guard when we experience it. Not too long along some of the kids approached me with the question – do you remember when we said in Brazil that one day you would get tired of us and stop liking us? Now, my brain is not nearly as quick as it ought to be (perhaps having 5 kids has burned brain cells in addition to whiting hair…). This means that often I have to ask kids to repeat themselves…not for the reason they think (that I don’t understand the language). It is because I am usually deep in thought in one language and then being spoken to very rapidly in a second language about a topic completely unrelated and with no context whatsoever (although you would think marriage would have prepared me better for this…). This was no exception. I had to change the language of my brain first and then try to recall which conversation this was referring to and then think about where this was coming from while also making sure I didn’t misunderstand any of the words.

Once the kids repeated the same thing and I was sure that what I thought I heard the first time was indeed correct, I said yes, not sure where this was going. The follow up was – well has that happened yet? Do you still like us?

Likely this was brought on in part by us reaching the one year anniversary and celebrating our family day. And just like for 9/11, these moments can remind us of something seared into our brains. Still, it was unexpected. Yes, we know this can be a haunting, persistent issue for adoptive children. We have even written about it many times. But, we don’t think about it ever because it has never been a consideration (perhaps we have been tempted to put them in handcuffs until they are adults to make sure no more mischievousness takes place when we are at our wits end…). And yet, comments like this remind us that there is still a monster which adoptive kids battle and quite often more frequently than we realize. Because for every time they are brave enough to actually ask the question, you have to wonder how often have they never said anything?

Time, they say, heals and wounds. And yet, sometimes time is actually the culprit. A time of trauma can sear a brain and a life…it can be repaired by the grace of God for nothing is beyond His healing touch. Yet, it is not necessarily easy, quick, or even guaranteed. But we pray that as His grace allows, seared trauma can gently be reassured, lovingly bandaged, and carefully replaced with truths that stem from His Truth.

And how often is it that we have the same lurking fear which we take to our heavenly Father? Has enough time passed yet for you to stop liking me? Now that you see me and all my flaws? Have you grown tired of me? The amazing thing is that He knows ever detail from the start and He loves His children despite that with a love that is not based in us, but grounded in Him.

And on that note – this past Sunday we were thankful to be reminded of that truth from Scripture. The pastor of the combined Tain and Fearn church preached a fantastic sermon on the cost of our salvation. We would love to encourage you to listen to it to also get to know Alistair! One of the amazing things was how well he weaved it together with the morning sermon Luke preached…you would have thought Alistair had written both sermons because they were so seamlessly combined. Thus, you can find the link to both and may this be an encouragement for fearful hearts who have a sinking fear that our adopted Father might perhaps tire of us one day.

News

Marking Milestones

LS

Yesterday, September 1st, marked a significant milestone. We crossed the one year mark of our “gotcha” day for our Brazilian kids. It is hard to believe only a year has passed as in some senses it feels like it has been much more time than that. But in other senses it is hard to believe that a year has already passed since it seems like only yesterday we were walking into a government building and nervously shaking hands and giving first hugs to our new kids. So much has happened in that time.

To make the day special, we decided to take a school break (although, not to worry, we accounted for this and started a day earlier in order to keep the balance of school days). Our kids were thrilled to not have to engage in subjects especially since the start to the school year is always a challenge. We did some research and found the closest Brazilian steakhouse and yes, we were that crazy family who drove the 3 hours to Aberdeen to eat at the rodizio (all you can eat meats which come to the table carried by waiters). Truth be told, our kids would have probably been thrilled (maybe even more so) with a trip to Burger King. However, we hope that we are building memories at the same time. We were thankful that the restaurant was quite good (especially considering the price tag and travel time) and also not too crowded. The kids all got some feijoao (a traditional black bean stew served over rice), which reminded them of Brazil.

One of the important things to do, from time to time, is to reflect back. It helps us try to keep perspective and not lose hope. If you were to read some of our early posts, it is remarkable how much has changed in just a year’s time. Our last trip to a very fancy, very expensive, and very crowded rodizio in Curitiba was stressful, to say the least. Kids ate in under 25 minutes (after a 2 hour wait) and then were wanting to leave right away. They had almost no meat (the expensive stuff at the restaurant) and only consumed a bit from the salad bar. We went to a park later to immediately be met with a chorus of “I’m hungry!”. This go around we enjoyed over an hour at the restaurant. And, while we are still trying to convince our kids there is plenty of food and they don’t need to stuff their faces like there is the risk of food disappearing, nothing felt rushed or stressed. That is an enormous improvement from a time in which going to a restaurant was one of the most stressful things to do.

We even managed to find cans of Guarana, the favorite soft drink of Brazil. The kids were thrilled to get the taste of that after a year of absence. Sometimes the small things can make a huge difference. We were grateful for the chance to remember a monumental moment. This is a milestone which reminds us that God is gracious, faithful, and good. One year down, many more to go. There is much yet to come and to be done, but we are in awe of all that the Lord has already done and His grace to us. We never thought we would be here and we never thought we would make it here. We are convinced we are a special kind of crazy…but thankfully the Lord sustains and upholds these types of people too! Now we just need those “I survived the first 365 days” T-Shirts to arrive…but in all seriousness, we are thankful for the Lord’s provision and how many people He has used in the process! Here is to the next 365 days of experiencing God’s daily mercies!

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An Extra Rinse Cycle

LS

Life in Scotland continues to be filled with adventures. Learning a new culture and adapting to life always takes some time and isn’t without its share of hiccups along the way. As a large family, we seem to constantly be running loads of laundry just to try to keep up. The best way to get them dried is to hang them up on the clothes line just outside our kitchen window. With the sea breeze, they tend to dry rather quickly. However, on several occasions, despite checking the weather app, we have hung up laundry only to discover that they were going to get a couple of extra rinse cycles. Thankfully, other than delaying the drying process, there is no significant harm from getting a few extra rinses from nature in.

These unexpected delays are things which reflect the nature of our family. Many times it feels like we take a few steps forward only to discover we had to take a massive step backward. Transition and uncertainty can cause regression to take place. Accidents, falling back into old fears, worrying about emotional states again, struggling to attach to more than one individual once more…it can feel like we are stuck in a rinse cycle and unable to get fully dry. However, thankfully, these are things which don’t cause any long term damage. They do test our patience significantly and our resolve as well. But they also provide opportunities to revisit some of these challenges and think about how to resolve them once more.

Old habits do die hard and they seem to pop back up when life seems unstable. Change doesn’t happen overnight for any of us and yet all of us want it to and almost expect it to. Then come the unexpected extra rinse cycles and if we aren’t careful we can be on the verge of collapse. But if and when we are able to step back and gain some perspective and some fresh air, we will hopefully see that a few additional rinse cycles aren’t the end of the world even if it means waiting longer for the end result.

And when you think about it, regression makes a lot of sense. Transitions have not always been favorable. Children who were constantly worried about the emotional state of their parents or who were taken to an orphanage under the impression they were going somewhere else or who suddenly lost their culture, their country, and what was their identity are bound to relapse into patterns of defense, protection, comfort, or survival. And often this happen subconsciously. It can even happen when the transition is for the better…because in the moment it might be terrifying or it might vividly recall one that was terrifying. This is not, as is often the refrain in these posts, something unique to adoption. All children will take steps backward when a major transition occurs. Perhaps the difference is that the step backward can be a bit larger in part because emotional age is already way behind biological age. Perhaps it is that children with secure homes and secure attachments will often grab onto those whom bring a sense of calm and security in such times. But for children coming from insecure homes with no healthy attachments, who or what do they grab onto? And can you imagine feeling like the world is collapsing around you and there is no one to hold your hand or wrap you in an embrace?

So a few extra rinses are to be expected and despite the rainy days, God doesn’t flood the earth. The sun will come out and the clothes will eventually dry…at least so we have been told 😀

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Life After the Honeymoon

LS

Perhaps you have heard the term “Honeymoon Phase”. It is used to refer to the initial excitement over something new. At first everything seems amazing and nothing could possibly be wrong. There is new life, new energy, a new sense of thrill. However, like all things, the honeymoon phase does not last forever.

Our kids definitely were honeymooning hard the first few days in Scotland. Life was exciting and thrilling. Everything was new and they could hardly take it all in. In fact, the very first day we had to call them inside and inform that that playing soccer loudly in the yard before 7am was not permitted. The excitement of a new place combined with the sun rising before 5am meant that they had been up and at it for a while and decided they ought to begin an early game (even though they have never been permitted to play outside before breakfast before).

The yard was incredibly thrilling…it is larger than ours was in Germany, laid out better, with far thicker and kid resistent grass. The house was even interesting, the layout of the rooms, the nearness of the sea. Everyone was on cloud nine. And then the honeymoon ended.

Nearly 4 days after it had begun, the yard was suddenly boring. The excitement for early morning soccer matches was replaced with irritation when mom and dad informed them that running activities were for outside only and not indoors. The rooms that were cool suddenly needed to be kept straight and tidy with nothing moved around, cut into, colored on, or any other type of mischievousness.

Thankfully the after honeymoon phase is also not eternal. Life begins to settle into some semblance of normal. Routines are developed and the benefit of a massive transition is that it affords us a natural way of making some smaller advances alongside it. You see, because there is already so much new happening with adoption, parents are often needing to carefully pick and choose what to introduce when. Kids are overwhelmed by new settings, new rules, new routines, a new language, a new culture, and it is all enough to leave them in a state of panic or hypersensitivity. This means that we try to minimize as much as possible with the intention of gradually introducing in a way that will be more manageable.

However, that too has difficulties as it means putting up with habits that are not good or doing more work initially until chores and responsibilities can be manageably introduced. It also can mean, if not done well, that kids feel there are constant minor adjustments occurring…which means we have to slow things down even more to get some stability for a while before changing again. But moving to Scotland gave a natural break to be able to reintroduce some helpful and much needed habits. Of course, as you might imagine, that combined with a honeymoon in the rearview mirror has made for some rollercoaster reactions. But by God’s grace we continue to be thankful to see all the improvements that are happening. The going is hard. We knew it would be. And often it is hard to see the progress in the midst of what feels like trying to simply avoid drowning. Yet, in the grand scheme of things, we are incredibly thankful for how much has transpired in such a short period of time.

And as the honeymoon has come to an end, we are thankful to see how God allows us to establish a new sense of normal…with better habits and small strides in the right direct.

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And We’re Off!

LS

We apologize for the delay, more so than usual, in getting an update out. Life went into super crazy mode over the last week. It was full of boxing, transporting, moving, cleaning, downsizing, and trying to keep an eye on 5 kids. But today, we managed to get everything into storage or our car, and pulled out of Olching, Germany. We made it to a stopping point just outside of Cologne and will continue to Amsterdam tomorrow before boarding an overnight ferry to Newcastle, England and then driving to Hilton, Scotland.

Some things we have learned over the last week:

  • As you begin packing, your stuff literally begins multiplying…it felt like a recreation of the 2 fish and 5 loaves…our things were having babies at an unbelievable rate
  • Letting go can be difficult – more to come on this later, adults can struggle with this, but our kids really were connect to stuff and sometimes the oddest things (that had no sentimental value whatsoever). We had to send a child back to the trash pile to return a plastic fly swatter which had a crack, confiscate old make up bottles, return small gift boxes (not theirs), and insist that a plastic paper holder which did not belong to them was indeed getting thrown out
  • Kids get into the most mind scratching trouble when left to their own devices because mom and dad are running around crazily trying to pack…a neighbor complaining because a kid picked up a large pine tree branch that he had set to the side (which had fallen on the sidewalk) and then relocated to the top of his car illustrates this
  • Dad felt like he should look like the Michelin tire man after moving the entire house (with the help of some amazing friends) using just our van and a one day larger car rental for heavy furniture items only to sadly realize that the reality is that he looks more like the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz (and feels about 20 years older than his biological age)
  • Our van has a mysterious, magical ability to shrink things put into it…would you believe that all our boxed stuff and most of the furniture fit into about 6 trips with the van?
  • The heaviest, most difficult item to move is the double sided refrigerator…why that is so heavy is truly beyond belief…the three person sofa and the deep Freezer tied for close seconds
  • Friends are an incredible blessing and gift from God – we had people coming over to scrub, clean, dust, wipe, organize, sort, lift, carry, cook, babysit, store, and all kids of other things! What an enormous blessing! This move simply would not have been possible in this time frame otherwise!
  • Regulating kids whose emotions are all over the place is difficult when we are regulated ourselves…it is exhausting beyond belief when we are also teetering on the edge of meltdown. We definitely felt like we needed someone to regulate us on multiple occasions!
  • Rooms look significantly larger without stuff in them!

We could continue to list more and likely will in the coming days. But for now, this is the short list and as we prepare for our final night in Germany after having already spent our final night in our now former house, we are incredibly thankful for all of God’s blessings. The reality of a chapter closing has hit home more as we pulled out of the driveway for the final time. But it was a wonderful chance to reflect on all the many ways the Lord has richly lavished His kindness upon us. And we look forward to seeing what the next chapter has in store!

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When Life Gives You Lemons

LS

As the saying goes, when life give you lemons, make lemonade! The past several weeks have been full of goodbyes and letting go. Learning how to handle them and how to navigate emotions can be difficult. Regulation is not something we are born naturally knowing how to do.

We have been incredibly blessed by all the amazing love, care, and support that has been poured out upon us. We could not have asked for a sweeter, kinder, more heartfelt farewell. It made us realize how much of a family we truly had surrounding us and also made leaving all the harder.

Interestingly, our kids experienced this in a different way. They loved the gifts, kinds thoughts, love and embraces they received from everyone. And yet, for most of them, there wasn’t the same level of investment. Leaving has been a different experience for us as parents and for our first adopted son whose closest connections were in the church. For our other kids, they were coming in as outsiders for a short period of time. Yet, they were able to build connections and friendships in a short period of time.

Our final Sunday was especially emotional. We were very thankful for the time at MICC and, though the full weight of the emotions hasn’t hit us entirely, it did hit us sufficiently. In fact, the first remark from our kids after the final service was that this was all their fault and we are having to leave because of them. Now, before anyone reading this worries that they might have said something that might lead to this, we do want to assure you this was not the result of any particular comments. Rather, it is an underlying concern that surfaced…a concern that can often occur when major change happens that is perceived as negative. Children often feel that perhaps things they did or said led to this and it can cause anxiety and concern.

As we have mentioned in the past, adoptive children are not necessarily different in this sense. Rather the difference lies in the degree and the intensity. They know what it is like to lose everything, even if the result ends up being better. And they also know that a driving force behind the change was the adoption. However, until the goodbyes, it didn’t quite sink in about how difficult, sad, and emotional this would be for everyone, mom and dad included, and for the church. Before that, it was just changing one location not well known or invested in for another.

It is certainly understandable why they would draw this particular conclusion. Life has given them some serious lemons – ones that are more sour than just this event and ones that keep resurfacing whenever other lemons are handed out. Their lemons are more sour than most people ever get in their entire lives. Yet, lemons provide an opportunity despite their sourness. We had the chance to talk about how family is more important to us, how we trust that God is using this to move us in His direction, that this was our decision – not their fault and that we are so thankful for them. Though the transition is difficult and we don’t want to deny that, our family comes before our location of ministry or type of ministry. It also gives us the chance to share that the harvest is ripe all over – it is not difficult to find another field to work in…it will not be the same, it won’t have the people or the same connections, but the work is not scarce. Our family, on the other hand, is not replaceable in any sense. The health of our family and the needs of our family are a higher priority.

You see, God provides an opportunity to use the lemons to squeeze the lemonade of trust, love, and a firm foundation. It will take time, lots of repetition, and these feelings don’t disappear overnight. But, by God’s grace, lemonade can be produced.

Of course there is much more to share…mom and dad have been busy with goodbyes, packing, preparing, and helping everyone regulate that we haven’t been able to fully process things ourselves. But we are thankful for the glimpse the Lord has blessed us with into how He is working. In the lives of His family, the Body of Christ, and in the lives of our family. Divine lemonade, sweet, refreshing, and redemptive.

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Turning up the Heat

LS

The past week we have been enduring some record level heat, especially for this time of year. While many of you might live in places where temperatures routinely soar above 32 C/90 F, without air conditioning and with very little breeze, it can be quite miserable. Adding this into our final week at MICC, a ticking time clock on our stay in Germany, and lots of goodbyes starting to happen, it has us all a little exhausted.

And of course, it seems that just about that same time the heat gets turned up. It always seems to come in massive waves. Michelle was trying to cram for her language test that she took earlier this week, Luke moved a van full of boxes already packed (it was shocking how much would fit into our “bus”!), four bookshelves, two side tables, our outdoor furniture, an office storage drawer, a piano, and another of odds and ends over the process of 3 days. We are so thankful for the extreme generosity of friends allowing us to store things at their places. But in the heat, it made for an extreme workout, and Luke is discovering how much older he is than he would like to imagine…and how his body does not recover the way it once did.

And then the heat gets turned up even more. We have mentioned some mischievous kids before, haven’t we? Well, this week has been full blown mischievousness. A 2am decision to get a snack. The drink of choice? Vinegar mixed with salt…and not the “normal” vinegar (which is still stronger than the American variety), but the vinegar essence, which is either used for cleaning, added in very small amounts, or diluted with water. The snack food of choice? Chewing gum. How did we discover this? Well, Luke was wondering when certain lights were on, but had initially chalked it up to being too tired to remember to turn them off. Then Michelle discovered someone complaining of a stomachache…and little wonder why with that diet. While Luke was off carting a load and a kind friend was watching the kids, the mischievous ones convinced our friend that they were allowed to water the plants, beginning by carting water in plastic storage tubs from the kitchen. When our friend rightly perceived that we would probably not approve of water getting splashed all over the wood floors, they went outside and dismantled the hose (which specifically had the attachments hidden to prevent usage) to continue their task. Then in the midst of trying to pack, while Michelle was getting her prescription filled, Luke heard technological noises upstairs. The mischievous ones had been trying to convince Michelle’s iPad Siri to obey their commands and promptly ran out the door as they heard Luke ascending the stairs (which always is amazing how kids somehow think that isn’t a dead giveaway). Luke then discovered that they had also decided to engage in baking (despite NOT being allowed to use the oven) and had chosen to set the stuffed animals in at 200 C to “dry them”.

As you might imagine, we have all the heat we can handle and then some! We keep praying for patience (which can be hard to come by when temperatures inside are only marginally less than outside), wisdom, and the ability to remember that all of us are under stress and that transitions can trigger and cause some serious relapses. The heat has been turned up…thankfully we know the Lord will not allow us to roast forever. He will bring cooler weather at His timing, and until then, we will continue to trust His gentle kindness and mercies.

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Learning to Play

LS

As we have been on the adoptive journey for over 7 years now, we have taken an interest in learning from others who have been down similar roads. There are many things that can be gained from the experiences of others and it is helpful to hear the perspectives of those walking a familiar path. One of the interesting concepts that has popped up from time to time has been how those in foster care or in adoption often struggle to use their imagination.

In part this ought to make sense – for much of their lives their mental capacities have been occupied with survival. Even things like transitions and change occupy a significant amount of our energy reserves. Moving from one place to the next fills us with a lot of busywork, which is necessary to accomplish. This means that we often temporarily set aside hobbies, free time activities, leisurely things. For us, we make a short term sacrifice in order to set up something long term. We know that we will resume these things before too long and so there isn’t any great harm in sacrificing them for a bit. However, for kids who are facing signficant challenges – often much greater than what most adults face in their lifetime – including constant change, you can imagine how much of their brain space gets devoted to this. Finding ways to survive and to handle transitions occupies an enormous part of their processing abilities.

What this can lead to is a lack of space, safety, and ability to do the leisurely. To learn how to relax – because the guard was always needing to be up and high. It can also mean things like play can almost seem like a foreign concept. This is something we often don’t think too much about because it is a skill which is often developed early in life when there is a stable situation at home, with parents who engage their young kids in play. Space and security help to foster these imaginative abilities. By the time kids reach early adolescence, play becomes both normal and a bit of an expertise.

So it can be strange and somewhat surprising for older adoptees to not really know how to play. This shows up in a variety of ways – it might be moving very rapidly from one “game” to the next because after a very short period of time they have run out of developed imaginative abilities. It isn’t so much that they are bored, but that they are bored because they don’t really know what else to do far faster than average. It also might mean that they don’t actually play with toys or just a very select few, because they aren’t sure how to actually make up a scenario in their heads. And this may differ with age. Our younger ones do better at playing than the older ones, because they have been just slightly less impacted by the transitions and changes…or have been impacted for less overall time.

A way this is practically seen is in how our Lego collection lay unused for months. Now, not everyone enjoys Legos and there is nothing wrong with that. However, the older children always gave the excuse that Legos were boring and never even gave it a try. Several weeks back, however, something changed. One of the kids finally decided to give Legos a try. He even convinced dad to spend a bit of time playing with him as they set out to build the most decked out car possible. Soon some of the other kids wandered in and gave it a go. While Legos are not suddenly the hottest new thing, nor do they spend significant time playing with them, what has been interesting is that all of the kids will now and then pick up the Legos. In fact, rather than calling them boring, they have now said they like Legos and find them interesting.

What is happening? They are starting to learn how to play. Expectations have to be changed – think about a baby…they are quickly bored of whatever toy they have in part because they haven’t yet developed skills how to play. Parents over time, teach this to their infants and with time more and more energy is spent on the same toy and it can happen more independently. Our children are starting more from the beginning in some senses. They won’t play with any particular toy very long still. But with time, they are starting to slowing develop their imaginations. They are slowly learning how to play. They are getting to go backward in time in order to catch back up on things that they never had. This is one more illustration of how biological age can be very misleading. A child’s age might be 15 or 13 or 10, but their abilities in certain areas might be more like 8 or 6 or 5. But with a lot of time, patience, and care, the gap can be closed. And even older kids can learn the wonderful skill known as “play”.

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Becoming Reality

LS

We have known for a long time that our time in Germany had an expiration date. We talked about it, prayed about it, began making plans for it. We shared it with our kids early on in order to help them prepare their expectations – they have always known we would only be in Germany until July. And yet, as the saying goes, out of sight, out of mind.

As you might imagine, they have be overwhelmed with so many things – new people, new language, new schedules, new rules, new family, new customs, etc., that they haven’t really had much time to process anything else. With July approaching, we have continued to reference our end date and yet, it wasn’t much more than another piece of information for our kids. This week that all changed as it has started becoming reality.

What are some of the things which brought this into reality? Boxes have started emerging in the house and things have gone into them. The way the house looks is different now and things that had been there since they arrived, are suddenly packed away. Added to that is the calendar of for after dinner chores which has a few dates blocked off – one of which is the farewell party. And the farewell party itself, now being announced. These are all things which have ushered reality in.

Each child has responded a different way, as they each have different stress responses. One child has been much more irritable than normal and short fused. Another has been emotionally very down and struggling with sadness. One child has been even more of a copycat than normal. Another has been very clingy and attention demanding. And another has been more dramatic than typical. Needless to say, trying to help 5 kids regulate themselves feels like more than a full time job. And it is amazing how much emotional rollercoasters can be draining.

What is also interesting is how many of these things feel like throw back reactions. Change, for adoptive children, can trigger what almost appears to be a setback. Moving backwards is part of the journey. Thankfully, now that we are toward the end of the week, we are seeing some of the kids (not all), get a bit more regulated. Of course, there is no telling what and when they will be set off again. That is the challenge with the reality hitting home. It seems to randomly strike and when it does, it can often strike hard. But this does provide an opportunity to try to help kids learn how to say goodbye well, how to handle difficult emotions, that it is okay to struggle with sadness even while looking forward to the future.

And there is always more than what meets the eye. Not too long ago, they had to say goodbye to the only life they had ever known. Changes and transitions can bring up more than just the immediate hardships, it can bring back the big transition they recently went through as well. And this is a lot of transition…a lot for anyone…and definitely a lot of young people. It is all becoming reality…and sometimes reality packs a punch. But we are thankful that the Lord walks through all the valleys with us and leads us through the hard times. We are also grateful that in the Lord, goodbyes are never permanent, only temporary. And we trust the Lord will give us opportunities to reconnect again before the great reunion. In the meantime, we will be trying to survive the rollercoaster and learn to enjoy the ride, helping kids to learn how to regulate well and trying to not forget that reality hits us too.