Author: LS

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Sleepless in Munich

LS

Adoptions have a funny way of bringing curves and twists – some of which we can see coming and others tend to blindside. After several days of hyperactivity, it was apparent that something was not entirely correct. Yet, the difficulty can be that there are so many possible reasons that narrowing it down can be difficult. Recently mom determined that lack of sleep is at least one of the contributing factors for the girls. We already knew this was an issue for the boys, but it became even more apparent on a recent overnight trip dad took with them. As excited as they were to go, new places, new faces, and new locations means additional stress and anxiety. It also meant they didn’t want to sleep alone nor did they sleep well.

As you might know, lack of sleep combined with stress and anxiety results in emotions all over the place. In fact, if we could bottle up and sell the emotions present in the house by everyone, we would be millionaires. Along with that comes plenty of mistakes from all parties. One of the hard parts is that older children come with imprinted memories. This also means that actions, words, tones can sometimes trigger recollections of darker times. Even though this is not our intention, it can cause some set backs. However, it also gives us the opportunity to model apologies, swallow our pride, and seek to empathize…all things that we are not nearly as good at as we would like. In fact, one thing we are learning is that if you want to end each day feeling good about yourself – don’t adopt. We slide into each evening with reverberating thoughts about all we could have, should have done and said. Perhaps this is one of God’s pressure cookers of sanctification.

We were thankful to celebrate a birthday today and even more thankful that dollar store toys can generate happiness. It was also a blessing to get a call saying that we can now proceed with the city notification of residence for our kids. Next week we will hand in the final paperwork and get this step done which is needed for many other aspects. Slowly we are learning foods which will be eaten without too much push back and we are seeking to gradually establish more routines.

There are still plenty of challenges and we still feel like we are just barely managing to make it to the end of each day. Yet, we also don’t want to ignore the blessings the Lord continues to shower on us. We have kids who are really great and have wonderful attributes. We have an amazing church family who continues to help in all kinds of ways. We have so many people, just like you, praying for us…something we have never been so aware of needing so desperately. And God’s heart toward adopting us, His patience with us, and His forgiveness of us all seem a little more real when walking through adoption ourselves.

Now…if we can just manage to get everyone to get enough sleep…

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Too Much New

LS

This weekend saw a flurry of activity. A late night meeting for Luke on Friday, a Saturday 40th reunion celebration for the church, a Sunday night dinner with alumni for Luke. It all added up to a busy few days. Change is never easy and new things can be hard to handle. This is especially true for those who have already met their quota of new things, like our kids.

Remarkably, they handled most of it fairly well. They sat through the reunion celebrations despite not being able to follow along. Although they were outwardly very quiet and well behaved, as with many parents, we are able to pick up on small signs of stress and overstimulation. Thankfully, our kids are reasonably well behaved even when this occurs, but it doesn’t stop mom and dad from assuming the same levels of stress and overstimulation.

The hard thing about these events is that there are so many people we want to connect with and who want to connect with us. However, when countdown timers are ticking rapidly, it can feel especially pressing trying to get out the door with our sanity in tack. Sometimes we wonder who will erupt first – mom and dad or kids. Just another small reminder, in hindsight, that all of us are under intense pressure.

Certain kids were quite agitated that dad had to disappear again, others seemed to be hyped up on an energy overdose, another had a few days of bad sleep (which doesn’t help), and all of them are counting the days to when dad has an overnight trip. It means concentration is significantly down during our educational time and temperatures can rise during play time. And it can be difficult to pinpoint exactly what is lying behind the present tension about to erupt – probably it is the cumulative effect.

But on the positive side, slowly and surely we are seeing small signs of adjustment. We see little glimmers of positivity. Girls humming along to worship songs they have heard playing in the background, boys making efforts to be a bit more helpful, kids not going straight to explosion when asked to do things they don’t want to do.

And yet, we still see signs of anxiety persisting. Difficulty sleeping well, a kid commenting that he doesn’t like to shower because he doesn’t like being alone, feelings that desired toys, objects, foods need to be hidden away for security, etc. There is a lot of new…too much for little people sometimes. And yet, the Lord allows us to see small steps of progress too. At the same time we are so thankful for the care we receive from fellows believers – food delivery, help cleaning and organizing our house, open ears and sympathetic hearts, blessings too numerous to count.

And one day, we trust, we won’t be living in the too much new zone or just managing to make it to the end end of the day. Until then, we rest secure in the new every morning mercies of a God who understands adoption better than we ever could…He adopted the children in His family too.

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Yoyo-ing Along

LS

Our lives feel like a bit of a yoyo at the moment. We do our best to remind ourselves that there is (hopefully and prayerfully) a time when the speed of the yoyo will slow down a bit. But when scissors are taken to things other than paper, toilet paper rolls end up submerged, complaining never seems to cease, disappointment over not getting everything desired at this moment, and mom and dad already feeling overwhelmed it can seem like our bouncing up and down is happening rapidly in a single day.

We are thankful for the prayers, the notes of encouragement, the gracious offers to help, the things dropped off and given to us, a car and groceries passed along. And we praise the Lord that even when we are at our most overwhelmed, we have been blessed with fairly good kids who, though they drive us nuts at times, also show kindness and care. The Lord is always at hand even when the dark skies seem to blot out the sun.

We managed to get some routines slowly established and some basic schoolwork in place. Our children pick things up well and fairly rapidly, showing that much of their delay is due to unfortunate circumstances rather than competence issues. Time is what they need and devoted attention. However, that is a struggle to given when our attentions are divided 5 ways already, not counting our other obligations. So even though it feels like we are the proverbial boy who is throwing starfish back into the ocean with a beach full to go, we try to remind ourselves as well that though we might not be able to get to them all, we can save the one in our hands.

And at the same time, it is easy to forget how much pressure and stress we are all under. Children are facing a massive amount of new information and sensory overloads every day. We are also in a similar position although it can be much harder for us to spot because there is so much more familiar to us. And it always seems like the “to do list” not only keeps getting longer, but it also keeps getting more complex. Renewing Michelle’s residence permit has turned up requests for some things we weren’t expecting (like proof of having completed language courses and being currently enrolled), the filing for registration in our city takes much longer and is not so clear (tomorrow is our appointment), doctors visits need to get scheduled soon, dentists, and the clocks just seem to speed up. It certainly feels like we are in a pressure cooker which is probably why the yoyo ride seems even more intense and we are all a little less well behaved and a little more on edge.

Yet through this we are reminded of how God is patient with us, how He is gracious beyond all measure. That the things He calls us to, He doesn’t just abandon us in. Rather, He walks alongside us and it is His strength that we need. Thankfully, we are able to discover alongside Paul, that His strength is perfected in our weakness. And He continues to bring others alongside us to help, to encourage, and to uphold.

His hand holds the string and He controls the tempo…so while the yoyo might seem to be giving us motion sickness, in His hands, it is actually producing a glorious harmony and combination of masterful brilliance.

And one day, we trust we will be able to look back and stand amazed and the majestic skill He displays.

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The Fellowship through Christ

LS

It was a true joy for us to be back in fellowship at our local church in Munich. There is an indescribable joy in being in the presence of fellow believers – perhaps this is one aspect of what Christ means when He tells us that the Sabbath was made for man. Gathering together for worship breathes life into weary souls. And to say we haven’t been weary souls would be to simply put a mask on reality. The return to Germany has not been easy. For all the difficulties we face in Brazil, having dedicated time and dedicated finances intended to help facilitate bonding has been an incredible blessing. Having done two adoptions now, we are very thankful for the time requirement in Brazil. Even though it adds a lot of additional finances and puts a strain on holiday time, there is really a lot to be said for focusing so much attention on family without anything else interrupting. Ironically enough, our first adoption was almost as long in country, but under very different circumstances. Luke was there alone for most of the time and it was under the stress of not knowing when we would get residence permit approval to be able to leave. It was a blessing to be together in Brazil and to have these weeks set aside just for this purpose.

That being said, it does make transitions much more difficult. We spent a lot of time together and suddenly kids are having to adjust to not having dedicated attention by parents. There was freedom to do what we wanted, to focus on engaging with our kids and building memories. Suddenly that freedom doesn’t exist as easily – there are household chores, yardwork, work responsibilities, etc. From a child’s perspective this must feel like being dropped into the deep end of the swimming pool. The level of change these children have faced over the last 2 months is quite astonishing – it is more than many people face over the span of several years. Moving countries, leaving everything behind, facing everything new, and then to do it with changing family structure and dynamics. You might imagine how hard that could be especially when you mix in time changes.

With all of this happening, we felt like we were somewhat limping into church this morning. Yet, even getting there was filled with acts of generosity and grace: a loaned car that allowed us to drive when Munich decided to do massive renovation work on public transportation, a willing translator who sacrificed his Sunday to help kids understand the sermon, a housewarming set of groceries and food, an impromptu ride home for Luke, additional clothing and gifts. Our emotional tanks were more than a little drained because trying to care for kids can often mean setting aside caring for yourself. The transition has not just been hard for little ones, but big ones too. Resuming workloads is always difficult – this is why Mondays are stereotypically dreaded. Yet, through it all, the Lord’s sustenance continues to be visible and today it was on full display through His people. We are so thankful for how He provides for us, cares for us, and lifts us up – and we are thankful He does that through you all.

What a joy it was to see so many and how that helped us walk through the fog of the transition. The number of people spending time with us, seeking to care for us, praying for us, and encouraging us has been a blessing. We are thankful.

Difficult days lie ahead and difficult days lie behind. Every transition involves setbacks and the feeling of spinning wheels. With time, traction is regained. And in the midst, it is a blessing to be surrounded by a wonderful community – both those near and those far. The many wonderful remarks to these posts have been uplifting, the emails and WhatsApp messages a blessing. The picture of the Body of Christ at work is glorious indeed. And on a day when we celebrated the birthday of our youngest, it was just what the Great Physician ordered. Thank you for helping us walk this path filled with incredible, deep, profound hardships and also overflowing with amazing, delightful, inexpressible joys.

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Splash Down

LS

We landed in Munich on Tuesday after an uneventful set of flights. Unfortunately sleep was hard to come by with economy seats crammed together and kids attempting unsuccessfully to get comfortable. This made for a very long travel day, but we were thankful there weren’t any hiccups with immigration. In fact, we were glad that the immigration officer was willing to accept the explanation that we gave and process everything with no need for further clarification.

In some ways the travel was the easiest part. Landing has been more of a splash down and much of the hard work begins now. Getting adjusted to new routines is a challenge. Kids that aren’t able to go to the park everyday or have mom and dad around constantly is something different…and for adopted kids different is often very hard. Life in the orphanage tended to be much more predictable and monotonous – to the point of already know what the meal plan was because it hardly varied week to week. Life before was constantly varying and it was a nightmare. So change can be extremely difficult to accept.

With this in mind we have tried to make the changes as gradual as possible. Dad is trying to work from home as much as possible and trying to get things done while letting kids climb around him, sit on him, or ask him questions. Mom is seeking to help kids slowly get adjusted to routines and expectations while also making time when possible to go to the park. But it has definitely been a bumpy landing.

Elijah got launched back into school which means early mornings and helping him learn to study with others in the house. Mom and dad have been trying to do some assessments of abilities for other kids and, as expected, there are some significant gaps in learning due to circumstances. It is our hope that we can apply for an exception for the oldest two in order to help them target some of their weaknesses. We don’t feel like the school system will work well for where they are currently at and it also doesn’t have much space to help people as far behind as they are in certain areas. However, exceptions are granted more rarely than finding gold and so we would very much appreciate prayers!

Dad has been trying to get US citizenship applications forms turned in and has discovered the forms are more difficult to understand and require more things this go around…political changes have impacted this area over the last 7 years. Getting four put together took multiple days to complete (and he is still unsure that he did it all correctly). In this process, as he was scanning in various forms, one child noticed old birth certificates and asked dad if they could be thrown away. He mentioned this represents a bad memory and a time he wants to forget. Unfortunately we can’t thrown these out, since we might need them, but it brings back the reminder that dark clouds are present in the past.

How are we doing? Well, we are mostly settling for staying alive at this stage. Jet lag hasn’t been the killer, but when combined with everything else and a host of kids who are overstimulated, overwhelmed, and suddenly thrust into massive amounts of change, it all makes for total exhaustion. We are thankful for the sustaining graces of the Lord and we know there will be hard days and easier days ahead. It is a marathon, not a sprint and the runner’s wall hits often and hard. But the mercies of the Lord uphold us and we pray they are reflected in our attempts to build a good foundation for our family. Please continue to be praying for us and for the schooling situations. Pray also for the many things that need to get done…housework, gardenwork, doctor’s appointments, dentist appointments, ministry, getting back to work…and pray for our bigger car to arrive faster than currently scheduled (end of November). We are so very grateful for you!

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Ending with a Bang

LS

Today, October 12th, is Kid’s Day in Brazil. It is a day in which families tend to do something special together with their kids. Because of this, there were a lot of additional guests that seemed to arrive overnight. The lunch also had an enormous amount of sugar and sweets. The kids convinced mom and dad to set the dessert limit to 3, but after 2 most of them were too stuffed to even try another.

This fun holiday was new for us and made for a nice way to end our time in Brazil. Tomorrow we begin the journey back and in many ways, the start of much of the hardest part of the process. Life to date has had minimal other things which has allowed us to focus fairly solely on the adoption process. We have been incredibly grateful for this! However, that is all about to change as we try to adopt to the new “normal”.

We praise the Lord for the opportunity to finish our trip the way we did. The generosity of some additional gifts make this a truly special last few days! We are also grateful for your prayers throughout this whole time. As we transition back, one of the changes that we anticipating happening is less frequent posts. We have really enjoyed posting as it allows us to reflect back on what the Lord is teaching us. We hope that you have been greatly blessed and perhaps this has given you more insights into adoption. Because of this, we do hope to keep posting and simply plan to change the frequency (to weekly or twice a week).

As we head home, we know many of you may be wondering what type of help would be most needed? This is one of those questions often burning in our minds, but that we are nervous to ask about. Because of this we wanted to share a few ideas. But since we don’t fully know yet and because perhaps you might know another family near to you who has recently adopted, we would like to share some more general ideas.

First, please ask! Rather than being a burden this can actually be very helpful itself. If you know of an adoptive family, ask them what are some concrete things that would be most helpful? Instead of offering specifics that you think would be good, it is more useful and less stressful to have you come with an open offer and a desire to learn what would be best. We don’t actually always know because things change on a dime with adoptions. Transitions often include significant stress and setbacks. This might mean that our needs look quite different initially than down the road.

Second, bear in mind that the most helpful things might be different that what we usually think of. If you are wanting to help a larger family, chances are that you would consider making a meal or offering to babysit. Especially when it comes to the latter, this might not actually be the most helpful for an adoptive family. Even meals can be a bit tricky because we are learning what our kids like and don’t like…so we don’t have the advantage families normally have of already having a list of do not include and another of be sure to cook this. Babysitting is not actually as helpful initially as you might imagine. If you have been following along for a while, you might recall that one feature of adoptive children is that they often struggle to form attachments and also struggle with new people in the mix. Even though our children are older, we have already seen them have higher anxiety and stress when one of us is absent or when new faces are interacting with us. Because of this, it is actually usually best for adoptive families to initially do everything possible to be the sole caregivers in order to help teach kids who to turn to and rely on. Adoptive children can look outwardly very friendly and social – going up to others for various reasons (needs, requests, to be picked up, etc.). And it is very endearing to have a cute kid come up to you. However, this is actually a bad sign as it indicates that the kids have not really attached to their parents. It means that they see all or most adults as equal and the nearest one is who they turn to when they should be turning to their parents. One way you can actually greatly serve and help adoptive families is to redirect children back to their parents rather than try to solve the issue yourself. This really helps the kids learn and attach to their parents and really serves the parents in all the efforts they are making in this regard. This is also one reason why babysitting might actually not be helpful initially – because it could slow down or interrupt the attachment and bonding efforts. However, that being said, there are times and places for both these things (meals and babysitting). Meals especially can be a huge blessing…it just might mean adoptive families are a bit pickier than normal because they are trying to avoid meltdowns from kids who haven’t learned how to try new things. The best thing to do is ask if things like babysitting, meals, etc. would help and to be understanding if an adoptive family says it actually isn’t the best at this time.

Third, some of the biggest help is alleviating loads in order to allow families to focus more on bonding and attaching. This means that things like offering to get groceries based on a list given by the family might be extremely helpful – going shopping can sometimes be a nightmare as kids haven’t learned how to do this or that we don’t buy everything our hearts desire. Getting kids out the door might be a stressful chore for families, let alone an environment that is sometimes chaotic and rushed. Offering to help clean might really reduce a load for parents who are trying to bond, cook, and then try to figure out how to keep things in order. Just because we have a lot of kids doesn’t mean we immediately have a lot of help. Learning things like chores takes time and usually biological kids are introduced to this very gradually. With all the massive amounts of changes already taking place, adoptive children might be even slower to be involved in this because of all the other things they are already having to learn. Being willing to do laundry, pick up prescriptions, help with school registrations or doctor’s forms can all be small gifts that will have an enormous impact.

Finally, seeking to learn and understand the differences and challenges adoptive families face can really be a huge help. When we adopted Elijah some of the most stressful and unhelpful conversations were from well meaning people who told us that our concerns or our boundaries were unfounded because these things were “normal for all kids”. There is likely a good deal of truth to that, but this is rarely helpful for any parent to hear and there are actually some significant twists and turns that are unique to adoption (just as there are others unique to biological children). Being willing to learn rather than conclude or providing solutions is often a great blessing. Many adoptive families already feel misunderstood in so many places and having to constantly advocate for themselves and their children. It can take a great load off just to have someone say, “I would love to learn more about why you are doing things like this or the hardships that you are facing. Would you be willing to share more with me?” It is also helpful to bear in mind that with adoptive children age can be very deceptive. A child’s biological age will likely not match their behavioral age. Taking time to learn and have an open mind can really help families to feel understood and cared for better. Even during our short time in our current destination, we have been very aware of how many people are staring at us and very confused about the strange make up of our family. As unnerving as this is for us as parents to feel like a lot of eyes on on us, this can be even more stressful for our kids who really don’t like to feel like attention is focused on them. Like many adoptive children, we have already discovered that ours get stressed out by crowds, lines, and places with a lot of unfamiliar faces. This produces overstimulation and a heightening of their senses. Learning things like this might help you understand why we (or other adoptive families) might be slower to introduce kids or seek to shield them initially (when they are already facing a tremendous amount of transition and added stress). This certainly doesn’t mean you need to avoid families or their kids, but just know that our situation is quite different and so it is always better to ask and not assume.

Hopefully this give you some ideas for how to be a blessing to adoptive families! We are so thankful for so many who are eager to help and it really means an enormous amount to us! We do certainly want you to get to meet our children, but we might do it gradually as we are seeking to feel out our kids and what their needs are. And most importantly, we need your prayers! Life is hard and stressful by itself – adding in international adoption and ex patriots simply magnifies this! Yet, the Lord graciously works through your petitions and we definitely need you to take us before the throne of grace. We hope and pray the Lord will allow us to meet many of you face to face soon! And we will look forward to continuing to post as often as we are able to. Thank you for taking the time to read these rambling thoughts, for your prayers and words of encouragement, for your laughter and your tears. We are blessed by you!

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Two Edged Sword

LS

We were so thankful to have a day without a drop of rain! This was a special blessing and despite the cool water temperatures, it meant that the kids were out at the pool and the beach all day. The wonderful thing about this is that it allowed us to take full advantage of our location! Having a mini vacation to end our time in Brazil has been a huge blessing. We have really needed some time to catch our breaths…although in reality it is more like time to gasp for air before going back under again in rapid dunk fashion. You see playing out all day has a downside to it – everyone is tired and this means emotions are high and fuses are very short. The two edged sword that cuts.

Today had multiple conversations with multiple children over multiple incidences that left feeling hurt, people moving to separate themselves, and mom and dad having to divide and conquer. These are opportunities to build upon and correction can actually be a powerful tool in the hands of a gracious God. But it does have an emotional cost and keeping emotional tanks above empty is not always easy.

Along the way we continue to see the strengths of our children. We remarked how blessed we have been in so many ways. There are many easily conceivable situations that could have been much, much more difficult. Yet, every strength has a corresponding weakness to it. A more empathetic child can also bruise much more easily. An independent easy going kid can also turn out to be extraordinarily stubborn. A tolerant child can be slow to recover when too many switches have been flipped. A child who can be very witty and humorous can also be very sarcastic and imitating poor behavior in an attempt to gain an audience. A sweet, happy kid can swing to angry and very vocal when things aren’t hitting her correctly (for any of a million reasons). A two edged sword that slices.

Thankfully the Lord is in the business of smoothing out jagged edges and polishing up shiny spots. He takes rough stones and redemptively transforms hearts to create diamonds through His salvific activity. It is our desire that He would graciously draw each of our children to Himself in His good timing. Until then, it is our prayer that He will give us wisdom to continue to point each of them to Him.

And as we seek to do that, we are thankful that we currently have access to unlimited levels of caffeine…at least until we have to leave this place (anyone want to help sponsor a lifetime supply?).

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Making the Most

LS

It has been our desire to make the most of the time we have. We are called in Scripture to redeem the time for the days are evil. Adoption is a good reminder of this and especially the adoption of older children. We have lost so much time already – the most formative years have been misspent and wasted, the tender times have been violently stolen, and the years of blissful ignorance have been horrendously destroyed. We enter into a play that has already been in action for some time and it isn’t possible to change course immediately.

Instead, our goal is to make the most of the time that we do have. We seek to reform habits, to reshape patterns, and to slowly, incrementally start to chart a new course. This is one reason we have been so thankful for the extended time we have had in Brazil. It is time which is not split in its focus – our normal obligations have been put aside in order to allow us to focus just on family. This focus will continue to be critical moving forward, but other factors will start to be added back in. As this happens, we pray that the foundation we have been seeking to lay and the attempts to take advantage of the times we find ourselves thrust into, will bear fruit.

Today we were able to make the most of gloomy weather. By God’s grace, the expected rainfall held off and it was possible to stay in the pool all day (although mom and dad decided that we are beyond the polar bear competitive years…). Having entertainment for the kids allows mom and dad to try to take advantage of some time to catch up on things in the past and things looming in the future. We also seek to take advantage of the things we have been learning in such times – to compare notes and observations. Adoption can feel like detective work – trying to see how the various pieces each of us hold might fit together.

One of those pieces is sleep habits and patterns. Throughout our adoption journey we have battled with sleep challenges and come to discover this is quite common for most adoptive children. Things impressed upon our memories tend to play themselves out in our dreams. Fears and insecurities can rob one of a peaceful evening even entirely unaware. Dad had a conversation with a kid today about how he has been sleeping since all the boys are in one rooms (with the girls in the other). The kid said fairly well which led dad to ask, out of curiosity, why he likes to sleep in the same room as dad. The initial answer was a nice reply of because you are my favorite dad. This also gives a subtle hint of another father figure who was not positive as well as a subconscious attempt to make the most of time and to make up for lost time. In fact, it is not unusual to have some levels of regression with transitions (and adoptive children are going through way more than most). Older children seem to also be a bit unique in that these regressions might also look like things children much younger would be doing. Part of this might have to do with developmental delays due to circumstances, but part of it might be a way of getting some of what was never had in the first place. But after a few moments, unprompted, once conversation had moved elsewhere, the child suddenly mentioned – I think I like sleeping in the same room because it makes me feel safe. And in less than 30 seconds there is an insight that explodes like a silent bombshell. Insecurity, fears, anxiety, lack of assurances…these are the plagues haunting children coming out of pasts that should have never been. The very things parents are supposed to strive to reduce or remove are the very things these kids never had much, if any, protection against.

And so, we seek to figure out, with God’s help, how can we make the most of baggage like that? The answer is that we serve a God who is able to redeem even the worst of situation and to provide hope in the darkest of places. And isn’t this what God does in our lives? Redeem us and the set about sanctifying us – which in many senses is making the most of lost time, lost lives, and slowly repairing broken and twisted lives? The Master Craftsman making the most of what seems like an irreparable mess…and our prayer is that we can point our kids to Him and seek to reflect Him through making the most of the time He has blessed us with and the make the most with what we now have in the face of all that was lost.

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Golden Rays against Stormy Skies

LS

Yesterday was another day full of emotions as the big day of travel arrived. Thankfully we were a bit more prepared anticipate this which did help us in trying to help kids regulate and deal with some big things. But it is still hard especially when one wakes up unusually early, others are more clingy than normal, and the presence of another person helping us with final details adds more chaos into the mix.

The flight itself went quite well and thankfully the kids all enjoyed their first plane experience. Helping them depressurize their ears took a bit and the youngest one had the most trouble actually figuring this out. Our van ride to the hotel took over 3 hours and had us arriving around midnight. We are so thankful for some generous donations that allowed us to pick a place we would otherwise not be able to afford. It is a special blessing to cap off this adventure.

The weather has not be cooperative today with rain and cooler temperatures making for cold swimming. But the beauty (that we can see) is stunning and we are amazed at how God has created Brazil. Along the way we have continued to learn things about our kids and ourselves. We have discovered at least one child who is best regulated by sitting in a lap or being held. This means that mom tag teams to get dad food so that he can actually eat when the final lunch in Curitiba proves to be a bit overwhelming for this child (this difference in just a day is remarkable to see as he is much more relaxed and at ease). Another child needs some more individualized attention to help her feel seen and heard and to avoid meltdowns. This means figuring out seating arrangements to let her get some personalized attention from mom. Mom and dad are still trying to figure out how to best support one another and help each other get some personal space and time (which is extraordinary difficult to manage).

We also see other unique aspects that adoption brings in. Have you ever experienced kids fighting about sleeping together in a hotel? If you have, we are willing to bet they are probably fighting over who has to sleep together as they all want to ability to be independent. Well, in our case it is the opposite – they are fighting over who has to sleep alone. And knowing their history this makes sense – being alone was dangerous. But they also slept in dorm style rooms with 7-8 other people.

In the midst of all this, there are some bright spots which emerge as little reminders from God. Some rays of sunshine that come streaking down through the dark storm clouds. One such one came yesterday. As the one kid was trying to guess (not for the first time!) what his surprise present was for the upcoming Kid’s Day and trying to pressure dad into letting him in on the secret (which shows he still has a lot to learn about dad and surprises :D), another kid suddenly blurted out – “I don’t need any presents. Ask my ‘why?’!” Dad, not sure if this was about to be a statement of frustration or disappointment (a somewhat subconscious manner of subtle manipulation which several of our kids have used on multiple occasions) warily decided to play along – “why?”. The answer was definitely unexpected – “because I already have the best present I could ever receive: you all.”

We hope and pray that one day he will receive an even greater present – eternal life through faith in Christ. And we are also sure this sentiment won’t actually interrupt his desire for earthly presents. But it is a blessing to see a warm ray of sunshine when it can sometimes feel constantly overcast, cold, and grey.

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The Anticipation is Killer

LS

Perhaps you have heard and experienced the saying that the anticipation is killer. You might recall how difficult it is to sleep (or get your kids to sleep) right before a big event like Christmas morning. Well, the same applies to adopted kids, but with a slight twist. Because of uncertainties in life, disappointments, and then living in an orphanage with little variation, it is almost like this on steroids. Adoptive kids haven’t learned to work through how to deal with anticipation or that with patience comes the anticipated outcome. Rather, they have had too many disappointments and heartaches. Because of this, anticipation can actually almost paralyze them and raise the anxiety levels significantly.

We have lived this out with Elijah. In fact, we often would not tell him about big news (grandparents visiting or us traveling) until a day or two in advance. The reason was that he couldn’t turn his brain off from meditating on this and his sporadic sleep got even worse. This translated into sleep deprived behavior and overall stress and difficulties for us all. We thought it was really hard doing this with one child…and then there were four more.

It often hits in ways we don’t necessarily think about. We fly out from Curitiba tomorrow and for us that is more or less a normal concept (and for Elijah now as well). We always knew this was temporary and have been slowly mentally preparing ourselves to leave. In addition, we have been preparing the kids for this – talking about it, counting down the days (although they have done this all by themselves), visiting the airport to let them experience this, etc. But what for us is leaving a temporary location to take the next step towards home, is for them leaving the only city some of them ever remember living in. The oldest recalls (not fondly) a bit of life in Sao Paulo, but even he shared today that outside of Sao Paulo and Curitiba, he has never lived anywhere else.

None of them have ever been on an airplane. So there is the added stress of this to leaving home for them to go to unfamiliar and very foreign territory. It is in some ways the final cut to ties that have existed and good, bad, and ugly, they are the only ties these kids have ever known. And so we should have anticipated today would be a rough day…and we did…but it still always seems to hit harder in reality. Around the middle of the day the oldest started asking what time it was. When we (after the umpteenth time) finally asked what he was waiting for or anticipating, he said he wished tomorrow were already here so he didn’t have to wait anymore (and this was around 1pm). Much to his disappointment the afternoon then dragged on. We had an epic meltdown from one of the other kids that involved multiple extended periods of crying and screaming. Some at siblings, but a lot at mom and dad who had pulled her aside to try to deal with things. By the way, just in case we have less hair than you remember, now you know the reason why. Another child got a bit unusually upset over something that shouldn’t have been such a big deal (and hasn’t been before). One more was being more dramatic, less willing to listen, and more mischievous than normal. And another was being more sarcastic, irritable, and picking more on others than normal. Mom and dad were trying to get the house cleaned, pack most things, and then deal with all of this things…it is at this stage that we suddenly think cloning ourselves might not be a bad idea.

The anticipation wasn’t killing us, but it was our kids and that was hard to keep in mind. Thankfully our eardrums are still mostly intact, dad was able to get one kid to sit down with him (or rather on him) and suggest that perhaps the new changes upcoming were causing a lot of added stress to everyone (and thankfully this kid recognized that), getting one to blow dry his clothes gave him something to distract his attention (and yes, we are that desperate that we are blow drying things…), and no one died (which we consider a success). Kids did not want to be left alone meaning mom and dad lost an additional hour during bath time and the final lice treatment was put into effect today.

There were some bright spots – a tough conversation to start the day about not permitting a particular popular (and constantly talked about) computer game went down better than anticipated. God was gracious to give understanding and let us think about alternative options that had more safety and security measures. It also gave a chance to try to help kids understand we love them enough to care about what they are doing, experiencing, and playing. Conversations were had that hopefully might lay the foundation for the future and much of the stuff is packed and the house is reasonably clean. We have a late flight tomorrow and so we still have time to get final things done. And the brightest spot of all is that the Lord tenderly guides us through it all. He is never stressed by anticipation and yet He kindly comforts those who are.

Ps – just to avoid any confusion, this is not from dinner tonight…our expressions tonight were far more frazzled, our hair styles were deeply stressed, and we were not this calm…but it is a memory from the pizza rodizio just so you can recall how we looked before aging multiple years in a single day 😀