Tag: parenting

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Changing Paces

LS

The Christmas season brings with it a mad rush that culminates is an exhausted break. For adults, we are used to the rhythm and anticipate it. However, for kids, the anticipation of Christmas can bring with much change and change is both exciting and disruptive. No one wants to go to school, but after a day or two, the change in schedule and the additional unoccupied time can suddenly leave kids feeling bored and out of their routine. Thankfully we can also see some progress being made – the feelings of boredom were definitely present, but caused less tension and stress than in the past. This go around it approached more of a “normal” level of complaints due to boredom.

And with Christmas came things which could help occupy attention. The gifts were exciting and much anticipated. We also managed to keep it at a good level and avoided overstimulation due to too much excitement. The slight snowfall also helped occupy attentions as our kids had never seen snow. This meant that Christmas was a mix of opening things inside and then playing outside. We have learned that as energy levels rise, moving kids outdoors is very beneficial.

We have been thankful for the change of pace that was much needed. In fact, it hard to say if students or teachers appreciate breaks more. The opportunities to school kids at home while we await official instructions has been very beneficial. We have already been able to make up a lot of ground in many areas that were lacking. However, there is no question that this adds a lot of additional work to our plates. Not having to teach, plan, oversee, and correct has been a nice break. It has allowed us to spend more time just hanging out as a family and even dad was able to reduce some of his workload. The lack of posting is evidence of things we have put a pause to in order to slow down some. And as for most of you, slowing down is necessary from time to time…and we often don’t realize the pace we have been running until we take a break.

Without a doubt the year closed out with much to be thankful for and much change. In many ways it is hard to believe we have been a family of 7 for 4 months. In some ways it has felt much longer than that and in other ways much shorter. Every day brings new strides, new stresses, new successes. Looking back and comparing brings encouragement even as we feel overwhelmed with how much still lies ahead of us. The Christmas day service and potluck saw us staying until the end instead of leaving early due to approaching meltdowns. This is a remarkable difference in just 2 months of potluck times. Kids are also getting more settled as is evidenced by a significant reduction in overanalyzing emotional states and a little less mischievous activity…at least that which was due to stress.

A New Year brings with it plenty of challenges. We still don’t have residence permits resolved. Nothing has ever been received regarding schooling – and while we are thankful to be able to school at home, we also are needing to walk the balance of not knowing, not asking, and also explaining to other groups (like the immigration office) why we don’t have a school enrollment paper. We are still waiting on the US citizenship process and are praying this can take place in January. Luke has a week long trip coming up (that kids are already speaking about and negatively anticipating) and then another 5 day trip to close out January. We will slowly need to start turning our attention to closing things out in Munich – downsizing, packing, etc. And with this will also come setting things up for the time in the US.

With all that lies behind and all we anticipate ahead, we are thankful for the guiding hand of the Lord. We know He sovereignly guides all that occurs and we trust He will continue to lead us and strengthen our family. The works of the Lord are great and we are blessed to see them firsthand.

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The Mysteries of Life

LS

Life is quite mysterious in many different ways. It is even more mysterious when we parachute into the middle of the story. This means that we have skipped the introduciton and the opening chapters. However, we are priviledged to be a part of writing the middle and altering the potential endings.

Like with many other things related to adoption, many of these things are universally true of children – just with a few additional wrinkles and somewhat on steroids. One of the mysteries of life which all parents can relate to is why do children get a boost of super hyperjuice when they are tired? And when and why does that change to an exhausted drain of all levels of energy as an adult? It seems that the end of each day has us struggle to just finish out whereas our kids are suddenly bouncing off the walls. In fact it can feel very much like the sugar high rush that parents fear from this time of year. However, the difference is that sugar is usually not the culprit. Instead, it is the product of children who are in a state of being wound up too tightly. For them, living in a heightened state of stress, fear, anxiety, and fight or flight syndrome means that the end of the day can often look like energetic crash. Interestingly enough mom and dad are (hopefully) temporary experiencing a similar thing…but rather than an energy fuel ours looks more like a rapid energy dump. In fact, if anyone could bottle what kids experience, they could make a serious dime replacing energy drinks with a rush far superior.

Another of the mysteries of life is the constantly changing interests. It is almost as if our kids become hyper fixated on a few particular things when then suddenly seem to drop out of favor randomly. The first month it was going to the park every day and now it is playing in our yard and almost never going to the park. Certain fruits and vegetables are in high demand and then suddenly they start piling up from lack of interest. It is understandable that in a world of constantly changing factors, adoptive kids will latch onto the familiar with an almost death like grip. With time, these things will lose their appeal and be replaced or as trust and time pass by, simply be held more loosely.

Now all of this likely sound familiar if you have had experience with kids. But what might not be so familiar is seeing this amongst children who range in age from 9-almost 15. Normally these things are present in children about half that age range in strong doses. This shows how adoptive children are often emotionally and socially years behind their biological age. Age simply is a number which cannot be held onto too tightly with adoption. It means we need to carefully temper our expectations. This also means that we are constantly on the look out to try to gain clues as to where are children are, what might be triggering them, and how to help them make up for lost ground.

Thankfully the Lord continues to uphold us and give us the strength we need. We are also so thankful to see signs of kids getting more comfortable and established. Little indications that their shields are dropping just a bit. The loss that is the cause of all adoptive stories takes serious time to heal. Children learn to cover up pains and hide emotions. Well meaning people think and speak about how wonderful their life is now and how grateful they must be…and they are. But this can add to the layers of cover up and feeling that releasing negative emotions is not allowed. This can cause a stuffing and ignoring the hurt, pain, and significant loss that brings a child to the point of adoption. Time and patiently building trust are some of the greatest tools in this journey. And the mysteries remain of what lies behind the massive question mark that exists before we entered the scene. Thankfully there are no question marks for the Lord and He knows every detail. And we trust He is working to bring about healing, bonding, attachment, and redemption.

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A Little Routine

LS

All kids react differently to change, but most kids crave predictability. Routines create a sense of security and stability. This can especially be true for adoptive kids for whom instability is not simply strange, but can actually be dangerous and threatening. Unfortunately, our lives are far from routine. Despite us intentionally minimizing what we could, shifting to primarily home office, and seeking to reduce whatever possible, we are still bouncing all over place with very little solid footing to be found.

Between traveling to Bulgaria to teach, multiple dental appointments, and some holidays thrown in, the only thing that seems normal is the abnormal. However, despite that, we have been able to establish some routines. This has helped especially over the last week. School in the morning means that mom and dad are trying (very unsuccessfully) to multitask while keeping kids on track. There is a mountain to climb just to get caught up and it can seem overwhelming. Yet, the personalized attention is helping expedite the process. But, it does mean that dad is trying to work on ministry items while, at the same time, processing math questions and problems…and working simultaneously in two languages. So far no sermon references to algebraic formulas have emerged…but it might just be a matter of time.

Establishing predictability is stabilizing, but ironically getting to the stability can include resistance along the way. Each child has benefited from the routine, but at the same time has had a hard time adjusting. This made the first several weeks especially exhausting…now we are just exhausted…

Hidden tensions and doubts still persist. A day off from school meant kids playing outside. And yet, every so often, a child would pop into dad’s basement office to make sure he was still there, hang out for a bit watching him work, before heading back off to play again. Trips to the park sometimes include ride by’s in order to just glance at parents from afar before setting back off for the park again. Constantly analyzing the emotional status especially of dad and actions which would be normal for children several years younger are all reminders that the gaps are not just academic. In some ways, kids are subconsciously stepping back to try to get things that were never a part of their lives before. This is another reason why routine is helpful. Change and instability also means, quite often, setbacks and reversions. It can feel like one step forward and five steps back. But thankfully the Lord continues to allow us to see steps and small impacts. Our biggest prayer is that He will open hearts and minds to the Gospel and Himself. We pray the Lord brings salvation and continues to mend broken hearts. And thankfully, His hand continues to uphold us…although each day still feels a bit like a reality show of Who Can Survive, He has graciously brought us through each day.

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Too Much New

LS

This weekend saw a flurry of activity. A late night meeting for Luke on Friday, a Saturday 40th reunion celebration for the church, a Sunday night dinner with alumni for Luke. It all added up to a busy few days. Change is never easy and new things can be hard to handle. This is especially true for those who have already met their quota of new things, like our kids.

Remarkably, they handled most of it fairly well. They sat through the reunion celebrations despite not being able to follow along. Although they were outwardly very quiet and well behaved, as with many parents, we are able to pick up on small signs of stress and overstimulation. Thankfully, our kids are reasonably well behaved even when this occurs, but it doesn’t stop mom and dad from assuming the same levels of stress and overstimulation.

The hard thing about these events is that there are so many people we want to connect with and who want to connect with us. However, when countdown timers are ticking rapidly, it can feel especially pressing trying to get out the door with our sanity in tack. Sometimes we wonder who will erupt first – mom and dad or kids. Just another small reminder, in hindsight, that all of us are under intense pressure.

Certain kids were quite agitated that dad had to disappear again, others seemed to be hyped up on an energy overdose, another had a few days of bad sleep (which doesn’t help), and all of them are counting the days to when dad has an overnight trip. It means concentration is significantly down during our educational time and temperatures can rise during play time. And it can be difficult to pinpoint exactly what is lying behind the present tension about to erupt – probably it is the cumulative effect.

But on the positive side, slowly and surely we are seeing small signs of adjustment. We see little glimmers of positivity. Girls humming along to worship songs they have heard playing in the background, boys making efforts to be a bit more helpful, kids not going straight to explosion when asked to do things they don’t want to do.

And yet, we still see signs of anxiety persisting. Difficulty sleeping well, a kid commenting that he doesn’t like to shower because he doesn’t like being alone, feelings that desired toys, objects, foods need to be hidden away for security, etc. There is a lot of new…too much for little people sometimes. And yet, the Lord allows us to see small steps of progress too. At the same time we are so thankful for the care we receive from fellows believers – food delivery, help cleaning and organizing our house, open ears and sympathetic hearts, blessings too numerous to count.

And one day, we trust, we won’t be living in the too much new zone or just managing to make it to the end end of the day. Until then, we rest secure in the new every morning mercies of a God who understands adoption better than we ever could…He adopted the children in His family too.

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Ending with a Bang

LS

Today, October 12th, is Kid’s Day in Brazil. It is a day in which families tend to do something special together with their kids. Because of this, there were a lot of additional guests that seemed to arrive overnight. The lunch also had an enormous amount of sugar and sweets. The kids convinced mom and dad to set the dessert limit to 3, but after 2 most of them were too stuffed to even try another.

This fun holiday was new for us and made for a nice way to end our time in Brazil. Tomorrow we begin the journey back and in many ways, the start of much of the hardest part of the process. Life to date has had minimal other things which has allowed us to focus fairly solely on the adoption process. We have been incredibly grateful for this! However, that is all about to change as we try to adopt to the new “normal”.

We praise the Lord for the opportunity to finish our trip the way we did. The generosity of some additional gifts make this a truly special last few days! We are also grateful for your prayers throughout this whole time. As we transition back, one of the changes that we anticipating happening is less frequent posts. We have really enjoyed posting as it allows us to reflect back on what the Lord is teaching us. We hope that you have been greatly blessed and perhaps this has given you more insights into adoption. Because of this, we do hope to keep posting and simply plan to change the frequency (to weekly or twice a week).

As we head home, we know many of you may be wondering what type of help would be most needed? This is one of those questions often burning in our minds, but that we are nervous to ask about. Because of this we wanted to share a few ideas. But since we don’t fully know yet and because perhaps you might know another family near to you who has recently adopted, we would like to share some more general ideas.

First, please ask! Rather than being a burden this can actually be very helpful itself. If you know of an adoptive family, ask them what are some concrete things that would be most helpful? Instead of offering specifics that you think would be good, it is more useful and less stressful to have you come with an open offer and a desire to learn what would be best. We don’t actually always know because things change on a dime with adoptions. Transitions often include significant stress and setbacks. This might mean that our needs look quite different initially than down the road.

Second, bear in mind that the most helpful things might be different that what we usually think of. If you are wanting to help a larger family, chances are that you would consider making a meal or offering to babysit. Especially when it comes to the latter, this might not actually be the most helpful for an adoptive family. Even meals can be a bit tricky because we are learning what our kids like and don’t like…so we don’t have the advantage families normally have of already having a list of do not include and another of be sure to cook this. Babysitting is not actually as helpful initially as you might imagine. If you have been following along for a while, you might recall that one feature of adoptive children is that they often struggle to form attachments and also struggle with new people in the mix. Even though our children are older, we have already seen them have higher anxiety and stress when one of us is absent or when new faces are interacting with us. Because of this, it is actually usually best for adoptive families to initially do everything possible to be the sole caregivers in order to help teach kids who to turn to and rely on. Adoptive children can look outwardly very friendly and social – going up to others for various reasons (needs, requests, to be picked up, etc.). And it is very endearing to have a cute kid come up to you. However, this is actually a bad sign as it indicates that the kids have not really attached to their parents. It means that they see all or most adults as equal and the nearest one is who they turn to when they should be turning to their parents. One way you can actually greatly serve and help adoptive families is to redirect children back to their parents rather than try to solve the issue yourself. This really helps the kids learn and attach to their parents and really serves the parents in all the efforts they are making in this regard. This is also one reason why babysitting might actually not be helpful initially – because it could slow down or interrupt the attachment and bonding efforts. However, that being said, there are times and places for both these things (meals and babysitting). Meals especially can be a huge blessing…it just might mean adoptive families are a bit pickier than normal because they are trying to avoid meltdowns from kids who haven’t learned how to try new things. The best thing to do is ask if things like babysitting, meals, etc. would help and to be understanding if an adoptive family says it actually isn’t the best at this time.

Third, some of the biggest help is alleviating loads in order to allow families to focus more on bonding and attaching. This means that things like offering to get groceries based on a list given by the family might be extremely helpful – going shopping can sometimes be a nightmare as kids haven’t learned how to do this or that we don’t buy everything our hearts desire. Getting kids out the door might be a stressful chore for families, let alone an environment that is sometimes chaotic and rushed. Offering to help clean might really reduce a load for parents who are trying to bond, cook, and then try to figure out how to keep things in order. Just because we have a lot of kids doesn’t mean we immediately have a lot of help. Learning things like chores takes time and usually biological kids are introduced to this very gradually. With all the massive amounts of changes already taking place, adoptive children might be even slower to be involved in this because of all the other things they are already having to learn. Being willing to do laundry, pick up prescriptions, help with school registrations or doctor’s forms can all be small gifts that will have an enormous impact.

Finally, seeking to learn and understand the differences and challenges adoptive families face can really be a huge help. When we adopted Elijah some of the most stressful and unhelpful conversations were from well meaning people who told us that our concerns or our boundaries were unfounded because these things were “normal for all kids”. There is likely a good deal of truth to that, but this is rarely helpful for any parent to hear and there are actually some significant twists and turns that are unique to adoption (just as there are others unique to biological children). Being willing to learn rather than conclude or providing solutions is often a great blessing. Many adoptive families already feel misunderstood in so many places and having to constantly advocate for themselves and their children. It can take a great load off just to have someone say, “I would love to learn more about why you are doing things like this or the hardships that you are facing. Would you be willing to share more with me?” It is also helpful to bear in mind that with adoptive children age can be very deceptive. A child’s biological age will likely not match their behavioral age. Taking time to learn and have an open mind can really help families to feel understood and cared for better. Even during our short time in our current destination, we have been very aware of how many people are staring at us and very confused about the strange make up of our family. As unnerving as this is for us as parents to feel like a lot of eyes on on us, this can be even more stressful for our kids who really don’t like to feel like attention is focused on them. Like many adoptive children, we have already discovered that ours get stressed out by crowds, lines, and places with a lot of unfamiliar faces. This produces overstimulation and a heightening of their senses. Learning things like this might help you understand why we (or other adoptive families) might be slower to introduce kids or seek to shield them initially (when they are already facing a tremendous amount of transition and added stress). This certainly doesn’t mean you need to avoid families or their kids, but just know that our situation is quite different and so it is always better to ask and not assume.

Hopefully this give you some ideas for how to be a blessing to adoptive families! We are so thankful for so many who are eager to help and it really means an enormous amount to us! We do certainly want you to get to meet our children, but we might do it gradually as we are seeking to feel out our kids and what their needs are. And most importantly, we need your prayers! Life is hard and stressful by itself – adding in international adoption and ex patriots simply magnifies this! Yet, the Lord graciously works through your petitions and we definitely need you to take us before the throne of grace. We hope and pray the Lord will allow us to meet many of you face to face soon! And we will look forward to continuing to post as often as we are able to. Thank you for taking the time to read these rambling thoughts, for your prayers and words of encouragement, for your laughter and your tears. We are blessed by you!

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Golden Rays against Stormy Skies

LS

Yesterday was another day full of emotions as the big day of travel arrived. Thankfully we were a bit more prepared anticipate this which did help us in trying to help kids regulate and deal with some big things. But it is still hard especially when one wakes up unusually early, others are more clingy than normal, and the presence of another person helping us with final details adds more chaos into the mix.

The flight itself went quite well and thankfully the kids all enjoyed their first plane experience. Helping them depressurize their ears took a bit and the youngest one had the most trouble actually figuring this out. Our van ride to the hotel took over 3 hours and had us arriving around midnight. We are so thankful for some generous donations that allowed us to pick a place we would otherwise not be able to afford. It is a special blessing to cap off this adventure.

The weather has not be cooperative today with rain and cooler temperatures making for cold swimming. But the beauty (that we can see) is stunning and we are amazed at how God has created Brazil. Along the way we have continued to learn things about our kids and ourselves. We have discovered at least one child who is best regulated by sitting in a lap or being held. This means that mom tag teams to get dad food so that he can actually eat when the final lunch in Curitiba proves to be a bit overwhelming for this child (this difference in just a day is remarkable to see as he is much more relaxed and at ease). Another child needs some more individualized attention to help her feel seen and heard and to avoid meltdowns. This means figuring out seating arrangements to let her get some personalized attention from mom. Mom and dad are still trying to figure out how to best support one another and help each other get some personal space and time (which is extraordinary difficult to manage).

We also see other unique aspects that adoption brings in. Have you ever experienced kids fighting about sleeping together in a hotel? If you have, we are willing to bet they are probably fighting over who has to sleep together as they all want to ability to be independent. Well, in our case it is the opposite – they are fighting over who has to sleep alone. And knowing their history this makes sense – being alone was dangerous. But they also slept in dorm style rooms with 7-8 other people.

In the midst of all this, there are some bright spots which emerge as little reminders from God. Some rays of sunshine that come streaking down through the dark storm clouds. One such one came yesterday. As the one kid was trying to guess (not for the first time!) what his surprise present was for the upcoming Kid’s Day and trying to pressure dad into letting him in on the secret (which shows he still has a lot to learn about dad and surprises :D), another kid suddenly blurted out – “I don’t need any presents. Ask my ‘why?’!” Dad, not sure if this was about to be a statement of frustration or disappointment (a somewhat subconscious manner of subtle manipulation which several of our kids have used on multiple occasions) warily decided to play along – “why?”. The answer was definitely unexpected – “because I already have the best present I could ever receive: you all.”

We hope and pray that one day he will receive an even greater present – eternal life through faith in Christ. And we are also sure this sentiment won’t actually interrupt his desire for earthly presents. But it is a blessing to see a warm ray of sunshine when it can sometimes feel constantly overcast, cold, and grey.

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New Experiences and Insights

LS

As we wind down the clock on our time in Curitba, we are seeking to spend some time investing in things which will be unique experiences and hopefully build good memories. With that in mind, we asked our support person if she could recommend a Brazilian BBQ place as we had not done this yet. She encouraged us to arrive close to opening time for lunch in order to get a table quickly without a reservation. We took that advice, but still had to wait about 40 minutes – it is one of the most popular and expensive places in town. The meat was delicious and the food was fantastic. It was certainly worth the experience! However, this trip yielded some confirmation of some of our insights. Our kids get stressed out by crowds. It is the little things that point this out – eyes darting all about, the challenge of not being able to sit still suddenly or always on the edge of the seat, the lack of appetite (especially a pity when an all you can eat place costs that much!), etc. Throw in kids who have likely almost never been in restaurants before and it can make for a significantly more stressful experience than we anticipated. Thankfully we avoided any meltdowns and did manage to get them to use forks most of the time (with lots of reminders).

We went to a park afterwards and the difference was quite noticeable. They were much calmer and more relaxed. The weather was beautiful and it was nice to see the sun shining again after multiple days of rain. The rain also meant high humidity over the past few days – which meant clothes not drying at all. This is especially traumatic when we are basically running the washing machine non-stop. But we were glad that today all the loads finally dried out. The dry clothes also gave dad an excuse to pull the oldest child away to “help” and have a longer conversation about something that had bothered him a lot on the walk back home. Over the past few days we have had multiple conversations with kids who have gotten feeling hurt and upset. These sometimes feel like hostage negotiation settings, but allow us to, prayerfully, start to help kids learn new means of conflict resolution. They also provide opportunities to talk through important issues, learn about communication (and in two different languages), and build trust. Our kids have grown up in environments where when things hurt them, their only recourse was to act out or run away. The concept of talking through things is almost completely foreign to them. In fact, one of the kids mentioned this as a stark contrast to their previous life – no other adult has ever talked with them and sought to resolve conflicts in this manner. This also means that it takes a lot of patience to help them learn this process and for them to be willing to talk with us (especially when the hurt feelings are directed at us or something we might have said).

Thankfully we don’t keep ice cream in the house…otherwise we might be in a constant comatose state after bed time. We feel like regulating our emotions in this way – but instead we are picking up clutter and not having enough energy to really enjoy the 1 free hour we have. Yet, despite it all, we are very grateful. The Lord has done a lot in the last month. We are confident He will do more in the months to come. Progress is slow and painful at times. But God is refining us and shaping them. There are plenty of mountains yet to climb, but we know the Lord will continue to sustain us.

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When it Doesn’t Go According to Plan

LS

Today was supposed to be another big day for our family. We had plans to visit the orphanage where the children lived for the last 4 years. They were especially excited and had been talking about the people that they missed. It was very disappointing to them and hard for them when we shared that they/we were not allowed (legally) to exchange phone numbers. This is likely done for precautionary and safety purposes. But, we tried to help soften the blow somewhat by letting them buy some chocolates for their favorite caregiver and as a gift to share with the other kids.

All morning we helped them prepare by talking and sorting through clothing. We managed to get them to be willing to return most of the clothes they came with because we have since been building their wardrobes and we are sure the orphanage could put the clothes to good use. And yet, this is something which is not without it challenges. Although it might seem like a small thing to us and logical (and who wouldn’t prefer new clothes?), there is an attachment and an ownership. These things are being given up and lost.

About an hour before scheduled departure time, as the kids were counting down the minutes, we received word that the visit was going to need to be (hopefully) rescheduled. Another family in town also adopting had a medical emergency and the support service helper needed to be with them. We aren’t allowed to visit the orphanage on our own and so a last second change had to be made. You might recall from other posts, that last minute changes can be especially difficult for adoptive children. This was a hard and very bitter pill to swallow.

It was especially emotional and painful for the one who woke up early, had been talking about this for days, and was really looking forward to this. He was really, really disappointed and got about as emotional as he has gotten over anything. While working to help him navigate these emotions, mom was having to help another thing that didn’t go according to plan – the discovery of lice. Unfortunately it was quite advanced for one child and in the early stages for another. Mom is also needing to undergo treatment as hers is very early on. But this added to the difficulties and what should not have been that big of a deal became even more emotional for the girls due to the cancelled plans.

It wasn’t until later in the day that it became apparent that the oldest was also struggling with the cancellation of plans. His was much more masked because he tends to suppress emotions connected with sorrow or grief. This means it is easy to mistake him as accepting news reasonably well or not being as impacted. But some reactions to relatively minor things by other siblings made it apparent that there was likely a bit more going on underneath the surface.

Today it seemed that nothing went quite according to plan and that was very difficult. Emotions were at an all time high again for the second day in a row. Dad was about ready to take a break from all emotions…this is one rollercoaster making him turn green (and we haven’t even hit adolescent stage for many of them yet!). Mom was overwhelmed and exhausted by the lice – we are convinced this must be one of the curses of the Fall. Yet, the Lord allowed us to get through the day, to have conversations with kids, to try to comfort as best as possible, and to hopefully have managed to massacre all bugs. Thankfully God is in control and none of His plans ever fail nor does anything not go according to His plans.

And, we can look back on happy moments (we try to only photograph these ones to avoid causing ourselves more pain)! Here are a few photos from early on, when we were still in the apartment, in the first week after meeting day.

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Short Fuses

LS

It is amazing how lack of sleep can impact and effect us. Typically it tends to leave us with some short fuses that can cause our switches to be flipped much faster than we would like or would otherwise occur. Getting everyone to bed late last night meant that today everyone was operating on less sleep than normal even though we let them sleep in.

The lack of sleep showed up in different ways – dad completely got the time of the late church service wrong (by an hour)…but we did manage to still catch most of the sermon. Providentially it was about God’s providence! Kids were very clingy in different ways which has both of us stretched even more so emotionally. There is a bit of an almost competition occurring for dad’s attention – some of this developed more normally for the two boys. But with time, it has caused a jealous competitive reaction by one of the girls and Elijah. And it is no fun emotionally being the parent who isn’t fought over as it can feel like rejection and ignoring (and unintentionally there is some truth mixed into this). However, it can also get frustrating for the one being fought over who just wants to be able to walk down the street without arguing, pushing, pulling, and him nearly tripping over kids a million times. And when fuses are short, this is all the worse in the kids and all the harder to handle gracefully for the adults.

In the midst of this, we keep learning and discovering things about our kids and about us. We always thought we were patient and fairly selfless (all things considered)…until we got married. Then we thought God had ironed out all those wrinkles…until we adopted our first son. And then we imagined God steamed out the remaining creases…until we adopted 4 more kids. We are also learning about our kids. One kid told dad that he always wants to go with dad because he really does not like going anywhere alone. Ironically, there are actually times when dad might want to or need to actually go somewhere alone. Yet, this reveals a hidden fear and trauma in a child who might have had bad experiences happen when left alone. And it is kind and caring…so we try to wisely discern when to do solo trips and when to agree to let others come along even if we actually want to have some alone time. By the way, we never thought we would actually pursue household chores…it seems to be the one place we can actually get some alone time…wars might start breaking out over who does the laundry…well, we aren’t that desperate yet…yet…

A trip to the mall after church at the request of the kids proved more challenging than anticipated. It seemed that nearly everyone else in Curitiba had the same idea. We have learned that several of our kids get more stressed out in crowded areas. This shows up in a heightened sense of alertness, even shorter fuses than normal (on top of the already short fuses due to lack of sleep), and other signs of agitation. The indoor play area was a zoo. We tend to not realize some of these contributing factors to short fuses in the middle of the fire burning away at the wick. It is usually only afterwards. Taking boys to the store is usually more stress than help and they typically don’t want to go. But today, they actually did and even though they wanted to be done quickly, it actually served to pull them out of the crowds a bit and reset the fuse just the slightest bit.

In the midst of burning fuses, there are some sparks and glimmers of beauty. A child asking how to say melhor (better) because he wants to tell Elijah that he is a “better brother” (this is where it is actually more helpful when kids give dad the full sentence rather than just a single word as a better translation would be a great brother or one of the best brothers). Small signs of thinking about conversations regarding Elijah and his struggles (see a few posts back – Poolside Chats). The request to know how to translate pela (dad did get the full sentence for this one after requesting context because this word can be translated many ways) in order to tell mom thank you for the food. A sign that he understood that the complaining looks and faces were communicating a serious lack a gratitude (which was probably not the intent).

Fuses get short at times and when they do, explosions happen much faster. Thankfully, the Lord doesn’t have a fuse issue the way we do. He is always gracious, kind, merciful, and forgiving. And one of the side effects of adoption is that God is using at as a tool to mold us more into His image. Prayerfully, our fuses will start to grow a little longer each time through the process.

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The Never Ending Journey

LS

Today will be a shorter post than normal – which might be a welcomed change for some. The reasons for this will be understood shortly, but we do promise to give more things we have learned and discovered in later updates. Today we left Foz do Iguacu to head back to Curitiba. It is supposed to be an 8-9 hour drive including stops and breaks. We departed on schedule around 8am and nearly 15 hours later we finally arrived at home. Getting stuck behind cargo trucks on one lane highways accounted for about 1 hour of delay. Then there was an accident which occurred about 300 meters in front of us (300 yards) that had us stuck for nearly 5 hours. A second accident accounted for the remaining time.

Remarkably, all things considered, the kids did a reasonable job despite the seemingly never ending journey! Mom and dad also managed to stay mostly sane and kept their cool (although the thermometer was rising rapidly at times!). The horrible delay accident happened close to dusk. This is significant because, as is true for many adoptive children, we have kids who really do not like the dark. And it is always hard to tell if someone is genuinely terrified or more wanting some additional attention, but is otherwise fine. Because we don’t know histories and weren’t there for the entire story, we are left guessing and it is always better to err on the side of taking fears seriously. We know we have at least one child who is quite bothered by being in the dark alone and even with other people (he shared some reasons which might connect to his past…sometimes it is like a treasure hunter trying to put together the puzzle pieces to figure these things out). Other kids who kept trying to turn the car light on even though we tried to explain we don’t want to risk the battery running too low. The one child was showing some signs of agitation (rising frustrations, taking off shirt, closing eyes) and the eldest moved over to help. We suspect the oldest is also a bit afraid of the dark, but his protective and responsible side kicks in during such situations.

Dad got the agitated child to sit with him, the eldest shared that the reason he wasn’t scared was because dad and mom were with him, and letting kids look through pictures on our phones proved to do the trick to settle everyone down. It is amazing how rising tensions affect everyone, including ourselves. Sometimes helping a child decompress actually results in us also decompressing.

Thankfully the Lord kept us safe and brought us safely home. All the kids kept their cools and we are glad to be done with that never ending journey! And we are very grateful that we have a heavenly Father who knows all our fears and is always by our side, holding us as we fight such battles. Prayerfully He will grant us all a good night’s rest so we can resume the battle tomorrow.