Tag: love

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Short Fuses

LS

It is amazing how lack of sleep can impact and effect us. Typically it tends to leave us with some short fuses that can cause our switches to be flipped much faster than we would like or would otherwise occur. Getting everyone to bed late last night meant that today everyone was operating on less sleep than normal even though we let them sleep in.

The lack of sleep showed up in different ways – dad completely got the time of the late church service wrong (by an hour)…but we did manage to still catch most of the sermon. Providentially it was about God’s providence! Kids were very clingy in different ways which has both of us stretched even more so emotionally. There is a bit of an almost competition occurring for dad’s attention – some of this developed more normally for the two boys. But with time, it has caused a jealous competitive reaction by one of the girls and Elijah. And it is no fun emotionally being the parent who isn’t fought over as it can feel like rejection and ignoring (and unintentionally there is some truth mixed into this). However, it can also get frustrating for the one being fought over who just wants to be able to walk down the street without arguing, pushing, pulling, and him nearly tripping over kids a million times. And when fuses are short, this is all the worse in the kids and all the harder to handle gracefully for the adults.

In the midst of this, we keep learning and discovering things about our kids and about us. We always thought we were patient and fairly selfless (all things considered)…until we got married. Then we thought God had ironed out all those wrinkles…until we adopted our first son. And then we imagined God steamed out the remaining creases…until we adopted 4 more kids. We are also learning about our kids. One kid told dad that he always wants to go with dad because he really does not like going anywhere alone. Ironically, there are actually times when dad might want to or need to actually go somewhere alone. Yet, this reveals a hidden fear and trauma in a child who might have had bad experiences happen when left alone. And it is kind and caring…so we try to wisely discern when to do solo trips and when to agree to let others come along even if we actually want to have some alone time. By the way, we never thought we would actually pursue household chores…it seems to be the one place we can actually get some alone time…wars might start breaking out over who does the laundry…well, we aren’t that desperate yet…yet…

A trip to the mall after church at the request of the kids proved more challenging than anticipated. It seemed that nearly everyone else in Curitiba had the same idea. We have learned that several of our kids get more stressed out in crowded areas. This shows up in a heightened sense of alertness, even shorter fuses than normal (on top of the already short fuses due to lack of sleep), and other signs of agitation. The indoor play area was a zoo. We tend to not realize some of these contributing factors to short fuses in the middle of the fire burning away at the wick. It is usually only afterwards. Taking boys to the store is usually more stress than help and they typically don’t want to go. But today, they actually did and even though they wanted to be done quickly, it actually served to pull them out of the crowds a bit and reset the fuse just the slightest bit.

In the midst of burning fuses, there are some sparks and glimmers of beauty. A child asking how to say melhor (better) because he wants to tell Elijah that he is a “better brother” (this is where it is actually more helpful when kids give dad the full sentence rather than just a single word as a better translation would be a great brother or one of the best brothers). Small signs of thinking about conversations regarding Elijah and his struggles (see a few posts back – Poolside Chats). The request to know how to translate pela (dad did get the full sentence for this one after requesting context because this word can be translated many ways) in order to tell mom thank you for the food. A sign that he understood that the complaining looks and faces were communicating a serious lack a gratitude (which was probably not the intent).

Fuses get short at times and when they do, explosions happen much faster. Thankfully, the Lord doesn’t have a fuse issue the way we do. He is always gracious, kind, merciful, and forgiving. And one of the side effects of adoption is that God is using at as a tool to mold us more into His image. Prayerfully, our fuses will start to grow a little longer each time through the process.

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The Never Ending Journey

LS

Today will be a shorter post than normal – which might be a welcomed change for some. The reasons for this will be understood shortly, but we do promise to give more things we have learned and discovered in later updates. Today we left Foz do Iguacu to head back to Curitiba. It is supposed to be an 8-9 hour drive including stops and breaks. We departed on schedule around 8am and nearly 15 hours later we finally arrived at home. Getting stuck behind cargo trucks on one lane highways accounted for about 1 hour of delay. Then there was an accident which occurred about 300 meters in front of us (300 yards) that had us stuck for nearly 5 hours. A second accident accounted for the remaining time.

Remarkably, all things considered, the kids did a reasonable job despite the seemingly never ending journey! Mom and dad also managed to stay mostly sane and kept their cool (although the thermometer was rising rapidly at times!). The horrible delay accident happened close to dusk. This is significant because, as is true for many adoptive children, we have kids who really do not like the dark. And it is always hard to tell if someone is genuinely terrified or more wanting some additional attention, but is otherwise fine. Because we don’t know histories and weren’t there for the entire story, we are left guessing and it is always better to err on the side of taking fears seriously. We know we have at least one child who is quite bothered by being in the dark alone and even with other people (he shared some reasons which might connect to his past…sometimes it is like a treasure hunter trying to put together the puzzle pieces to figure these things out). Other kids who kept trying to turn the car light on even though we tried to explain we don’t want to risk the battery running too low. The one child was showing some signs of agitation (rising frustrations, taking off shirt, closing eyes) and the eldest moved over to help. We suspect the oldest is also a bit afraid of the dark, but his protective and responsible side kicks in during such situations.

Dad got the agitated child to sit with him, the eldest shared that the reason he wasn’t scared was because dad and mom were with him, and letting kids look through pictures on our phones proved to do the trick to settle everyone down. It is amazing how rising tensions affect everyone, including ourselves. Sometimes helping a child decompress actually results in us also decompressing.

Thankfully the Lord kept us safe and brought us safely home. All the kids kept their cools and we are glad to be done with that never ending journey! And we are very grateful that we have a heavenly Father who knows all our fears and is always by our side, holding us as we fight such battles. Prayerfully He will grant us all a good night’s rest so we can resume the battle tomorrow.

News

And Then it Hits You

LS

Often we don’t realize how much we become acclimated to our surroundings. Being in the middle of a storm is overwhelming and exhausting at first, but then you gradually get used to it being the new normal as time goes on. However, what we often don’t realize is that the pounding effects haven’t changed or gotten any easier. The storm is just as intense and the numbing effect is not necessarily always good. It is more of a sign of our senses getting a bit dull. The result is that things can build up without realizing it and then all of a sudden it hits you and the collision impact can seem significantly more violent.

It usually isn’t the first time someone complains about the food options, or the first whining about not getting the desired snack, or the first dramatic begging for everything at the store, or the first exasperation over not getting to do exactly what is wanted this very second, or the first failure to listen, or the first complaint. But somewhere along the line it all catches up to you and knocks you off your feet and suddenly all you can see is the darkness of the storm and the bolts of lightning. It is in these moments that we desperately need the Lord’s kindness and gentle reminders that He is leading us through the storm and that He is powerful over the storms (even as our family devotion pointed out tonight!). And we are most grateful for your prayers and your messages of encouragement! It is always amazing how these are often so “perfectly” timed…almost as if there is Someone divinely orchestrating it all…

A second day of rain and literal storms had us a bit cooped up. A game of Ticket to Ride (the boys were most excited to get mom to play) which managed to maintain attention spans for almost a complete game (ticking time bombs mean that dad has the prerogative to announce final round at any stage in the game and hopefully before any explosions!). Around lunchtime we decided to head out because people were definitely going stir crazy. Although we prefer to do meals at home (for both expense and health reasons), we have found that sometimes it is better for the sanity of all to not always insist on that. So we headed out to a mall to eat at the food court, were able to get more clothes (they are much cheaper here than in Germany), and picked the mall that had the indoor playground (a brilliant marketing concept, by the way). A quick intermission for ice cream (McDonalds fits the budget best and thankfully is popular) and back to the playground. We finally pulled kids away at 5:20pm to get back for dinner and where amazed and thankful that they lasted that long there! We were also thankful for the smoothness in the stores, much better than any other time!

On the way back, the boys asked dad again why we chose to adopt them. But this time they really wanted to know the reasons and not the process or the how. In fact, the oldest specifically asked two things – 1) were we obligated to adopt them and 2) were we going to return them. And then it hits you…the fears and concerns that are hitting them. Though many kids might struggle with wondering if their parents love them from time to time, a unique twist for adoptive children is that question – did they really want me? Do they actually desire me? And are they going to return me?

And suddenly we, and you now too, get a little peak into the storm that they are in the middle of which they have seemingly adjusted to until something builds up enough to hit them…like a tornado of massive magnitude. And kids who have been scarred one too many times ask a question with little emotion and listen to the answer with little emotion…and yet you know there is a waterfall piling up in their lives that at some point has to come crashing down. And it does spill over in other ways – behavioral issues can often be spill overs…it doesn’t excuse the behavior or make it okay, but it does mean it might be the dam attempting to hold back the flood.

This is where language really fails us – dad doesn’t have all the words he needs and broken communication is really frustrating for everyone when it is such a deep topic. Dad can’t manage to hold a deep conversation and try to translate for others and unfortunately this means some people are stuck on the sidelines and others are getting impatient with dad not understanding exact phrases and terms. Before you know it, dad is mixing all kinds of languages together and can’t seem to think in a single language anymore…he can find the word he needs in almost every other foreign language he knows except the one that he needs. Maybe you can picture the struggle and feel the winds of the storm just a bit…

Thankfully the Lord speaks all languages and even understands the combined ones. He is the One our children ultimately need and the One we seek to point them to. And in addition, we try to share with our children that we work very hard to not make promises we cannot keep (hence dad’s favorite Portuguese word – Talvez: maybe) and that we always seek to keep our word. The one promise we do make is that family is forever and that we will always love them (even when we are really struggling to feel it because it is hitting us) and that we will never, ever, ever give them back.

The storm is constantly raging around all of us and will likely continue for years to come. Adoptions, bonding, and attachment do not happen overnight…they can take multiple years just to start forming. And for the most part we don’t fully recognize the chaos we are in because it has become our new normal. And then, every now and then, it hits you.

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You Just Never Know

LS

One of the things we have wondered many times over the last 21 days is, what exactly is going on in the minds of our kids? You see one of the interesting twists of adopting children who are older is that they are processing a lot more information. With Elijah’s adoption, he wasn’t really able to communicate in any language to tell us what was on his mind. Nor did he have quite as much on his mind that had built up over as many years. Down the road he has had a lot of things that we realize are floating around in his thinking – things very few kids his age are having to contemplate. For instance – what was my birth family like? Why didn’t they want me? If God controls all things, how could He allow this to happen? Why am I so different from everyone else?

These are all tough questions to explain to a (now) 10 year old. We try our best while also seeking to make sure it is tailored to his age level. However, we are aware that the situation for our other kids is quite different. Because of their age differences, it is also different for each one of them. Some of them remember quite a bit more than others. All of them have been impacted and scarred by what has taken place even if they aren’t fully cognizant of this – Elijah’s adoption taught us that vividly. Though he remembers nothing of life before meeting us (or very, very little), there are certain things which have left their imprint on him that given the right triggers, will cause certain fear based reactions. Yet for these kids, they come in with far more history and far more knowledge.

We have often wondered what are they thinking? And how do we create a safe space that invites them to share freely without pushing them and instead allowing them to share when they are ready? What things are safe to ask or mention and what things might trigger emotions that they aren’t ready to convey?

An example is that recently the older boys were asking dad about next steps (have we mentioned a fixation with schedules and knowing details yet?). We have learned that we have a bit of flexibility with the end of our trip. We originally planned to end up in Rio de Janeiro because that is where the US Embassy is located and where a German consulate is also based. However, it currently appears as though the final step with the US Embassy is not needed (because we live overseas and this step will occur when we get a citizenship hearing for the kids) and there has been email correspondence with the German consulate indicating that, as we thought, we don’t need to visit them or do anything in particular as Brazilians can enter Germany on a 90 day tourist visa. So we had thought about possibly ending in Sao Paulo instead as it is a bit safer of a city and has the most flights to Germany. We were going back and forth because our return ticket is from Rio, but we haven’t bought tickets yet for the kids (because we need documentation to match) and we need to change our original tickets anyway. In mentioning the various options and scenarios to the boys, the oldest let us know that he really does not want to go to Sao Paulo. This is the city where they were all born and he is aware that his stepfather is still there. He has a particular fear and anxiety of this city and even though he knows Rio’s reputation as having dangerous sections, he would rather go there than be in Sao Paulo. You see, you never quite know what they are thinking.

Or take today as an example. We had a morning that was spent in church (it is wonderful to sing familiar hymns in a different language!), a short trip to a park, and then home for the afternoon because of thunderstorms in place. Amazingly, things went reasonably well despite everyone having gotten very little sleep due to heat and mosquitos eating us alive (boys woke dad up at 4:30…although truth be told, he wasn’t really sleeping either). Board games were played, a short game of tag (that always leaves us worried the house is going to collapse), and then some time hanging out on the couch in between a lot of fruit consumption (grapes, apples, bananas…our supply that we thought would last a lot longer is almost gone). About 10 minutes before dinner, the boys asked dad to sit with them on the couch. Dad was expecting more small talk or silliness like all the other times today. But to his surprise, the question was asked – how and why did you and mom decide to adopt us? To say dad was caught a bit off guard would be an understatement. He set out to try to retrace the process on our side (recall he speaks Portuguese like a 2 year old who is suffering from speech difficulties) and managed to get as far as the advocacy email we spotted which had about 8-10 available children/sibling groups to be adopted in Brazil. After dinner and family devotions, he continued to story to share about how we got their files, talked a lot, prayed a lot, we quite afraid about adopting 4 children, and were convinced that the Lord put their file in our lives for a reason. It was late, they were tired, and so dad tried to keep it brief and yet still thorough. Hopefully this will trigger more conversations in the future.

You see, you just never know what is going through the minds of these kids. And given the language barrier (this is when dad really wished he was actually able to just pick up languages with ease), things are not communicated as well or smoothly as we would like. And there is a whole world of things we can’t yet fully imagine or grasp and a whole world full of things they are unsure about or don’t know. And every now and then, the Lord opens the door just a bit and we get a small glimpse into what is happening in their minds. Because, you just never know.

News

More Important Things

LS

Today we set off on an overnight adventure. As a part of Elijah’s birthday and family day (today is the 7 year anniversary of God bringing him into our family), we planned a 3 day trip to an amusement park (2 days there and one day at the beach). Because it is a 3 hour drive, we were trying to get out the door early. However, as it would so happen, as we were hurrying about trying to pack, get breakfast, and get people dressed (and convince a few young ladies that pajamas do not work for going to the park and certain pants also don’t work nor do they belong to that person), some overambitious play on the part of one boy resulted in upset feelings and some hurt on the part of another boy.

Of course, because we were rushing about, our quick fix solution was to tell the upset child to stop playing with the other person. He did that, but only later did dad realize that he had also gone to sit by himself on the stairs leading to the basement. Dad didn’t realize that whatever had ensued triggered more emotions and upset feelings. Thankfully, there was still time to attempt to help some with that. So dad went down to sit on the stairs and attempt to talk in very broken Portuguese (naturally he was in a spot that was just out of internet reach and so translation options weren’t even readily available). These are the times we really wish we could speak fluently. You see, something seemingly insignificant had somehow flipped one switch too many – perhaps this child reached there limit, but it is equally likely that past history and trauma came flooding back in this moment.

So for an extra while dad tried to talk, while mom closed to door and kept the other kids away. And the Lord provided a chance on the basement stairs to attempt to communicate to a child that we know things are hard for them, that what happened just now was not right, but was also a part of another child struggling to adjust to all the changes. This led into an opportunity to also brokenly share that we don’t know this child’s history, but whenever they are ready, we would like to hear it and that we are there for them when they feel comfortable. And to also share that the little bit we do know makes us realize that this child had to basically act as an adult for most of their life – they lost their childhood, they were robbed of their years of innocence/fun/play, and they had to be far more responsible than any child that age should ever have to be…and that this was not right…it should not have been…it is a painful reminder of the sinful world we live in (although this sentence didn’t make it due to very limited vocabulary)…and that we are sorry. We hope and pray the next years can be full of more light, life, and laughter – but we also know there is a history that is dark and painful…and a child lugging around more emotional baggage that anyone should have to ever carry…and this is heartbreaking.

Today we left later than planned and much later than we could have. Because there were more important things to do. We missed the first opportunity to seize the situation, but thankfully the Lord provided a second for a child in need. Because sometimes we are in too much of a hurry trying to accomplish all of our plans and meet all of our deadlines. And sometimes we run the risk of missing the more important things God has in store for us. So we are thankful that He provided basement stairs and a tag teaming system to allow us to seek to capitalize on the more important things.

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Another Day with New Discoveries

LS

Today we set off in search of sports clothing, regular clothing, and a kite. We found a Decathlon sports store which was a 15 minute Uber ride (due to our family size we have to take 2 Ubers) away. The boys were over clothes shopping in about 10 minutes and with the girls clothes shopping can sometimes feel like hostage negotiation especially when one of them picks something that we are not willing to buy for them (either due to price or style). Thankfully, meltdowns were avoided and though clearly disappointed, they handled it better than they have in the past…little baby steps. Sadly, no kite was in sight.

Afterward we took a 2 minute ride to the closest shopping mall which was just out of walking distance. Lunch was first up to avoid hangry children. McDonalds was the choice option and thankfully we are able to make good use of the family deals. We are also thankful that our kids are not fixated on the Happy Meals or the toys…although one was quite annoyed to have lettuce on his burger. We have also learned to order extra nuggets or fries or a burger as these will inevitably be eaten either on the spot or for a snack later. One child was a bit too nervous to ask for a refill (as they didn’t have refill machines to the disappointment of all), so dad helped out. Another kid worked up the nerve, but was still nervous enough that he ended up asking for “a sprite now, please”. At least he had a please in the sentence 😀

More clothes shopping for the girls and the disappointment for the boys that the largest mall we have been in yet had no kite in sight. But we did discover an indoor play ground which was great for mom to stay with the kids while dad rapidly tried to exchange money, withdraw cash, and the hit the clothes store for the boys. Despite him moving as quickly as he could, upon arriving back mom let him know that the oldest had been asking where he was and for some time had decided to climb up to the highest part of the playground to try to keep a lookout for dad – little signs of underlying anxiety.

Despite the major disappointment of not getting a kite, the boys handled it reasonably well. It was a hard hit, but they didn’t go into full expression of being upset. A short time at the nearby park, an afternoon snack of apples and crackers, ending the time with ice cream, and then heading home. More apples and nectarines at home – have we mentioned that our normal food budget for the month has already been consumed? Naturally, this is somewhat to be expected as it was originally designed for 3 people and not 7. But with food prices cheaper, it also shows how much we are going through! And some of that has to do with history and circumstances. One thing we have been working on with the kids is finishing everything that we take – not just eating part of fruit or throwing out half full glasses of juice or milk. They have been doing much better, but these are all signs of what they have been used to – not having food always available, not having options or being able to have opinions, and not having to finish things. With older boys we do expect to be eaten out of house and home, but we also know that the first few weeks food consumption can be at an all time high in part because of not having access to food before in this way and sometimes due to anxiety of not having enough (something we do know is in there history – abandonment and having to scrounge to find things to eat).

Overall it has been a good day, with some hard moments, but as dad finishes his second dinner…because after serving everyone to avoid having food everywhere, helping people with refills, there is only about 10 minutes for a very fast dinner before everyone disappears and the countdown begins to tears, rage, and screams. This means choosing between a full meal, cleaning up, and keeping our sanity…and tonight dad decided he was going to try to get a bit more food after everyone went to bed. By the way, the experiment of weight loss does seem to be holding true…adopting 4 kids does seem to be quite effective in this area. Although, we think it might also work for people who spend all day caring for 4 kids in this stage of their lives as well…we are happy to put that theory to test if anyone cares to give it a go 🙂

Another day is in the book, new discoveries have been made. The most glorious of which are the mercies of the Lord which are new every morning and more than sufficient for each day. These discoveries are most precious in the turbulent seas. We are thankful that in such times we are able to see more clearly what is always true – great is His faithfulness.

News

Little by Little

LS

Adoptions are challenging for many reasons. For those being adopted, the emotional rollercoaster is something that probably none of us can fully grasp. With the excitement comes fear and insecurity, massive highs and dreadful lows. As if that weren’t hard enough, language is different and difficult. Having lived overseas and seeking (unsuccessfully) to somewhat master two different languages, we can relate better to this aspect. Spending a few hours out when moving to a new language group can feel exhausting – the brain is constantly trying to process the new language and working twice as hard because it cannot understand, but is naturally trying very hard to comprehend. We have seen this play out with our kids already – by the time dinner is done, they are all worn out and ready for bed (despite it being an hour and a half earlier than their “normal” bedtimes) and are sleeping in more than they otherwise would.

Rest is essential, as tiredness adds some extra loops into that rollercoaster. Big emotions can suddenly hit over things that would normally be more trivial. And in the initial stages of adoption, it is typical for children to react either in letting all the emotions out with no attempts to regulate first or to stuff all the emotions inside. Having multiple children means that we are actually experiencing both things at once – as some children tend to react one way and others another. However, on the whole, we have picked up that our kids are likely also nervous about another aspect – what if our new family is disappointed by us? This is showing up in apologies given for some slight corrective encouragements (gently letting a child know cutting off the sleeves on their newly bought dress without asking isn’t allowed or roughhousing time that resulted in someone’s feelings hurt needs to come to an end)…things that normally wouldn’t be received with such concern. On the one hand it is very sweet that our children are coming up to apologize unprompted (sometimes via an appointed messenger, sometimes via pictures draw for us with apologies written on them, sometimes verbally right afterwards), and something we do pray will always be on their hearts (to apologize when something happens whether intentional or not). At the same time, we do see that behind this there lurks an insecurity and a deep concern that they might have just really disappointed their family.

And herein lies one of the challenges of adoption – how do we lovingly and carefully correct things that need to be addressed, all the while encouraging and assuring them of unconditional love and acceptance? And how do we carefully pick and choose which things when all the while also helping our other son understand why the new kids might be getting some extra grace in things that he knows he is not allowed to do…and then also helping him understand that he still needs to follow what he knows to be correct for our family rather than imitating others? Lots of prayers are involved, seeking discernment, and attempting to follow God’s own method as His adoption of us has many similar parallels in insecurities, fears, and ups and downs. And little by little walls start to slowly be lowered – time and continual demonstrated love. Some of these kids have built up walls for the majority of their short lives through painful experiences that should never have to be experienced by anyone. Such bricks don’t come down over night…but little by little…

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Underway and Some Odds and Ends

LS

We successfully made it out of our house and to the airport! We got our workout in on one of the hottest days with 7 bags (5 checked), bus drivers who don’t like to wait, a broken elevator, and other passengers deciding to use the exact same SBahn entrance we are struggle to fit ourselves into. But we are now awaiting our 7pm flight to Zurich and are excited!

Adoptions are journeys in which we usually focus on everything that is gained – a new family, new siblings, new home, new opportunities, etc. All these things are true and well worth celebrating. However, we often fail to realize that all adoption stories begin with tremendous loss. It involves loss of birth families, but also moves on to include loss of friends developed in an orphanage, loss of identity known so far, loss of country, culture, and even sometimes language. Although in the long run the gains do outweigh the losses, in the short term it is a lot to be hit with, especially at a young age.
We were reminded of this during our final video call last night with our kids. They were thrilled it meet Elijah with one commenting that they always wanted a brother like Elijah and another being excited that the boys now outnumber the girls. They were even more excited to learn that we are meeting them on Monday – until last night they didn’t know when we were coming. But amidst the excitement and joy, the realization also hit one of them that this meant they were about to lose all their friends. That definitely lead to some serious emotions as yet another loss was piled onto a life already experiencing more than most. These are the moments we realize that these stories of, Lord willing, joy and happiness, are paved with stones of hurt and pain. We are thankful we serve a God who enters into our pain through the work of Jesus Christ, the One able to perfectly empathize with us because of His sufferings. Pray with us that even while the emotions of joy are there for all of us, we can also handle well, make space for, and comfort the pain that is also present – it is a weird place to be, having some of the greatest and hardest news hitting simultaneously…especially for someone so young.

We look forward to updating you along the way! Thank you for your prayers!