Tag: life

News

Splash Down

LS

We landed in Munich on Tuesday after an uneventful set of flights. Unfortunately sleep was hard to come by with economy seats crammed together and kids attempting unsuccessfully to get comfortable. This made for a very long travel day, but we were thankful there weren’t any hiccups with immigration. In fact, we were glad that the immigration officer was willing to accept the explanation that we gave and process everything with no need for further clarification.

In some ways the travel was the easiest part. Landing has been more of a splash down and much of the hard work begins now. Getting adjusted to new routines is a challenge. Kids that aren’t able to go to the park everyday or have mom and dad around constantly is something different…and for adopted kids different is often very hard. Life in the orphanage tended to be much more predictable and monotonous – to the point of already know what the meal plan was because it hardly varied week to week. Life before was constantly varying and it was a nightmare. So change can be extremely difficult to accept.

With this in mind we have tried to make the changes as gradual as possible. Dad is trying to work from home as much as possible and trying to get things done while letting kids climb around him, sit on him, or ask him questions. Mom is seeking to help kids slowly get adjusted to routines and expectations while also making time when possible to go to the park. But it has definitely been a bumpy landing.

Elijah got launched back into school which means early mornings and helping him learn to study with others in the house. Mom and dad have been trying to do some assessments of abilities for other kids and, as expected, there are some significant gaps in learning due to circumstances. It is our hope that we can apply for an exception for the oldest two in order to help them target some of their weaknesses. We don’t feel like the school system will work well for where they are currently at and it also doesn’t have much space to help people as far behind as they are in certain areas. However, exceptions are granted more rarely than finding gold and so we would very much appreciate prayers!

Dad has been trying to get US citizenship applications forms turned in and has discovered the forms are more difficult to understand and require more things this go around…political changes have impacted this area over the last 7 years. Getting four put together took multiple days to complete (and he is still unsure that he did it all correctly). In this process, as he was scanning in various forms, one child noticed old birth certificates and asked dad if they could be thrown away. He mentioned this represents a bad memory and a time he wants to forget. Unfortunately we can’t thrown these out, since we might need them, but it brings back the reminder that dark clouds are present in the past.

How are we doing? Well, we are mostly settling for staying alive at this stage. Jet lag hasn’t been the killer, but when combined with everything else and a host of kids who are overstimulated, overwhelmed, and suddenly thrust into massive amounts of change, it all makes for total exhaustion. We are thankful for the sustaining graces of the Lord and we know there will be hard days and easier days ahead. It is a marathon, not a sprint and the runner’s wall hits often and hard. But the mercies of the Lord uphold us and we pray they are reflected in our attempts to build a good foundation for our family. Please continue to be praying for us and for the schooling situations. Pray also for the many things that need to get done…housework, gardenwork, doctor’s appointments, dentist appointments, ministry, getting back to work…and pray for our bigger car to arrive faster than currently scheduled (end of November). We are so very grateful for you!

News

Ending with a Bang

LS

Today, October 12th, is Kid’s Day in Brazil. It is a day in which families tend to do something special together with their kids. Because of this, there were a lot of additional guests that seemed to arrive overnight. The lunch also had an enormous amount of sugar and sweets. The kids convinced mom and dad to set the dessert limit to 3, but after 2 most of them were too stuffed to even try another.

This fun holiday was new for us and made for a nice way to end our time in Brazil. Tomorrow we begin the journey back and in many ways, the start of much of the hardest part of the process. Life to date has had minimal other things which has allowed us to focus fairly solely on the adoption process. We have been incredibly grateful for this! However, that is all about to change as we try to adopt to the new “normal”.

We praise the Lord for the opportunity to finish our trip the way we did. The generosity of some additional gifts make this a truly special last few days! We are also grateful for your prayers throughout this whole time. As we transition back, one of the changes that we anticipating happening is less frequent posts. We have really enjoyed posting as it allows us to reflect back on what the Lord is teaching us. We hope that you have been greatly blessed and perhaps this has given you more insights into adoption. Because of this, we do hope to keep posting and simply plan to change the frequency (to weekly or twice a week).

As we head home, we know many of you may be wondering what type of help would be most needed? This is one of those questions often burning in our minds, but that we are nervous to ask about. Because of this we wanted to share a few ideas. But since we don’t fully know yet and because perhaps you might know another family near to you who has recently adopted, we would like to share some more general ideas.

First, please ask! Rather than being a burden this can actually be very helpful itself. If you know of an adoptive family, ask them what are some concrete things that would be most helpful? Instead of offering specifics that you think would be good, it is more useful and less stressful to have you come with an open offer and a desire to learn what would be best. We don’t actually always know because things change on a dime with adoptions. Transitions often include significant stress and setbacks. This might mean that our needs look quite different initially than down the road.

Second, bear in mind that the most helpful things might be different that what we usually think of. If you are wanting to help a larger family, chances are that you would consider making a meal or offering to babysit. Especially when it comes to the latter, this might not actually be the most helpful for an adoptive family. Even meals can be a bit tricky because we are learning what our kids like and don’t like…so we don’t have the advantage families normally have of already having a list of do not include and another of be sure to cook this. Babysitting is not actually as helpful initially as you might imagine. If you have been following along for a while, you might recall that one feature of adoptive children is that they often struggle to form attachments and also struggle with new people in the mix. Even though our children are older, we have already seen them have higher anxiety and stress when one of us is absent or when new faces are interacting with us. Because of this, it is actually usually best for adoptive families to initially do everything possible to be the sole caregivers in order to help teach kids who to turn to and rely on. Adoptive children can look outwardly very friendly and social – going up to others for various reasons (needs, requests, to be picked up, etc.). And it is very endearing to have a cute kid come up to you. However, this is actually a bad sign as it indicates that the kids have not really attached to their parents. It means that they see all or most adults as equal and the nearest one is who they turn to when they should be turning to their parents. One way you can actually greatly serve and help adoptive families is to redirect children back to their parents rather than try to solve the issue yourself. This really helps the kids learn and attach to their parents and really serves the parents in all the efforts they are making in this regard. This is also one reason why babysitting might actually not be helpful initially – because it could slow down or interrupt the attachment and bonding efforts. However, that being said, there are times and places for both these things (meals and babysitting). Meals especially can be a huge blessing…it just might mean adoptive families are a bit pickier than normal because they are trying to avoid meltdowns from kids who haven’t learned how to try new things. The best thing to do is ask if things like babysitting, meals, etc. would help and to be understanding if an adoptive family says it actually isn’t the best at this time.

Third, some of the biggest help is alleviating loads in order to allow families to focus more on bonding and attaching. This means that things like offering to get groceries based on a list given by the family might be extremely helpful – going shopping can sometimes be a nightmare as kids haven’t learned how to do this or that we don’t buy everything our hearts desire. Getting kids out the door might be a stressful chore for families, let alone an environment that is sometimes chaotic and rushed. Offering to help clean might really reduce a load for parents who are trying to bond, cook, and then try to figure out how to keep things in order. Just because we have a lot of kids doesn’t mean we immediately have a lot of help. Learning things like chores takes time and usually biological kids are introduced to this very gradually. With all the massive amounts of changes already taking place, adoptive children might be even slower to be involved in this because of all the other things they are already having to learn. Being willing to do laundry, pick up prescriptions, help with school registrations or doctor’s forms can all be small gifts that will have an enormous impact.

Finally, seeking to learn and understand the differences and challenges adoptive families face can really be a huge help. When we adopted Elijah some of the most stressful and unhelpful conversations were from well meaning people who told us that our concerns or our boundaries were unfounded because these things were “normal for all kids”. There is likely a good deal of truth to that, but this is rarely helpful for any parent to hear and there are actually some significant twists and turns that are unique to adoption (just as there are others unique to biological children). Being willing to learn rather than conclude or providing solutions is often a great blessing. Many adoptive families already feel misunderstood in so many places and having to constantly advocate for themselves and their children. It can take a great load off just to have someone say, “I would love to learn more about why you are doing things like this or the hardships that you are facing. Would you be willing to share more with me?” It is also helpful to bear in mind that with adoptive children age can be very deceptive. A child’s biological age will likely not match their behavioral age. Taking time to learn and have an open mind can really help families to feel understood and cared for better. Even during our short time in our current destination, we have been very aware of how many people are staring at us and very confused about the strange make up of our family. As unnerving as this is for us as parents to feel like a lot of eyes on on us, this can be even more stressful for our kids who really don’t like to feel like attention is focused on them. Like many adoptive children, we have already discovered that ours get stressed out by crowds, lines, and places with a lot of unfamiliar faces. This produces overstimulation and a heightening of their senses. Learning things like this might help you understand why we (or other adoptive families) might be slower to introduce kids or seek to shield them initially (when they are already facing a tremendous amount of transition and added stress). This certainly doesn’t mean you need to avoid families or their kids, but just know that our situation is quite different and so it is always better to ask and not assume.

Hopefully this give you some ideas for how to be a blessing to adoptive families! We are so thankful for so many who are eager to help and it really means an enormous amount to us! We do certainly want you to get to meet our children, but we might do it gradually as we are seeking to feel out our kids and what their needs are. And most importantly, we need your prayers! Life is hard and stressful by itself – adding in international adoption and ex patriots simply magnifies this! Yet, the Lord graciously works through your petitions and we definitely need you to take us before the throne of grace. We hope and pray the Lord will allow us to meet many of you face to face soon! And we will look forward to continuing to post as often as we are able to. Thank you for taking the time to read these rambling thoughts, for your prayers and words of encouragement, for your laughter and your tears. We are blessed by you!

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Making the Most

LS

It has been our desire to make the most of the time we have. We are called in Scripture to redeem the time for the days are evil. Adoption is a good reminder of this and especially the adoption of older children. We have lost so much time already – the most formative years have been misspent and wasted, the tender times have been violently stolen, and the years of blissful ignorance have been horrendously destroyed. We enter into a play that has already been in action for some time and it isn’t possible to change course immediately.

Instead, our goal is to make the most of the time that we do have. We seek to reform habits, to reshape patterns, and to slowly, incrementally start to chart a new course. This is one reason we have been so thankful for the extended time we have had in Brazil. It is time which is not split in its focus – our normal obligations have been put aside in order to allow us to focus just on family. This focus will continue to be critical moving forward, but other factors will start to be added back in. As this happens, we pray that the foundation we have been seeking to lay and the attempts to take advantage of the times we find ourselves thrust into, will bear fruit.

Today we were able to make the most of gloomy weather. By God’s grace, the expected rainfall held off and it was possible to stay in the pool all day (although mom and dad decided that we are beyond the polar bear competitive years…). Having entertainment for the kids allows mom and dad to try to take advantage of some time to catch up on things in the past and things looming in the future. We also seek to take advantage of the things we have been learning in such times – to compare notes and observations. Adoption can feel like detective work – trying to see how the various pieces each of us hold might fit together.

One of those pieces is sleep habits and patterns. Throughout our adoption journey we have battled with sleep challenges and come to discover this is quite common for most adoptive children. Things impressed upon our memories tend to play themselves out in our dreams. Fears and insecurities can rob one of a peaceful evening even entirely unaware. Dad had a conversation with a kid today about how he has been sleeping since all the boys are in one rooms (with the girls in the other). The kid said fairly well which led dad to ask, out of curiosity, why he likes to sleep in the same room as dad. The initial answer was a nice reply of because you are my favorite dad. This also gives a subtle hint of another father figure who was not positive as well as a subconscious attempt to make the most of time and to make up for lost time. In fact, it is not unusual to have some levels of regression with transitions (and adoptive children are going through way more than most). Older children seem to also be a bit unique in that these regressions might also look like things children much younger would be doing. Part of this might have to do with developmental delays due to circumstances, but part of it might be a way of getting some of what was never had in the first place. But after a few moments, unprompted, once conversation had moved elsewhere, the child suddenly mentioned – I think I like sleeping in the same room because it makes me feel safe. And in less than 30 seconds there is an insight that explodes like a silent bombshell. Insecurity, fears, anxiety, lack of assurances…these are the plagues haunting children coming out of pasts that should have never been. The very things parents are supposed to strive to reduce or remove are the very things these kids never had much, if any, protection against.

And so, we seek to figure out, with God’s help, how can we make the most of baggage like that? The answer is that we serve a God who is able to redeem even the worst of situation and to provide hope in the darkest of places. And isn’t this what God does in our lives? Redeem us and the set about sanctifying us – which in many senses is making the most of lost time, lost lives, and slowly repairing broken and twisted lives? The Master Craftsman making the most of what seems like an irreparable mess…and our prayer is that we can point our kids to Him and seek to reflect Him through making the most of the time He has blessed us with and the make the most with what we now have in the face of all that was lost.

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Golden Rays against Stormy Skies

LS

Yesterday was another day full of emotions as the big day of travel arrived. Thankfully we were a bit more prepared anticipate this which did help us in trying to help kids regulate and deal with some big things. But it is still hard especially when one wakes up unusually early, others are more clingy than normal, and the presence of another person helping us with final details adds more chaos into the mix.

The flight itself went quite well and thankfully the kids all enjoyed their first plane experience. Helping them depressurize their ears took a bit and the youngest one had the most trouble actually figuring this out. Our van ride to the hotel took over 3 hours and had us arriving around midnight. We are so thankful for some generous donations that allowed us to pick a place we would otherwise not be able to afford. It is a special blessing to cap off this adventure.

The weather has not be cooperative today with rain and cooler temperatures making for cold swimming. But the beauty (that we can see) is stunning and we are amazed at how God has created Brazil. Along the way we have continued to learn things about our kids and ourselves. We have discovered at least one child who is best regulated by sitting in a lap or being held. This means that mom tag teams to get dad food so that he can actually eat when the final lunch in Curitiba proves to be a bit overwhelming for this child (this difference in just a day is remarkable to see as he is much more relaxed and at ease). Another child needs some more individualized attention to help her feel seen and heard and to avoid meltdowns. This means figuring out seating arrangements to let her get some personalized attention from mom. Mom and dad are still trying to figure out how to best support one another and help each other get some personal space and time (which is extraordinary difficult to manage).

We also see other unique aspects that adoption brings in. Have you ever experienced kids fighting about sleeping together in a hotel? If you have, we are willing to bet they are probably fighting over who has to sleep together as they all want to ability to be independent. Well, in our case it is the opposite – they are fighting over who has to sleep alone. And knowing their history this makes sense – being alone was dangerous. But they also slept in dorm style rooms with 7-8 other people.

In the midst of all this, there are some bright spots which emerge as little reminders from God. Some rays of sunshine that come streaking down through the dark storm clouds. One such one came yesterday. As the one kid was trying to guess (not for the first time!) what his surprise present was for the upcoming Kid’s Day and trying to pressure dad into letting him in on the secret (which shows he still has a lot to learn about dad and surprises :D), another kid suddenly blurted out – “I don’t need any presents. Ask my ‘why?’!” Dad, not sure if this was about to be a statement of frustration or disappointment (a somewhat subconscious manner of subtle manipulation which several of our kids have used on multiple occasions) warily decided to play along – “why?”. The answer was definitely unexpected – “because I already have the best present I could ever receive: you all.”

We hope and pray that one day he will receive an even greater present – eternal life through faith in Christ. And we are also sure this sentiment won’t actually interrupt his desire for earthly presents. But it is a blessing to see a warm ray of sunshine when it can sometimes feel constantly overcast, cold, and grey.

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The Anticipation is Killer

LS

Perhaps you have heard and experienced the saying that the anticipation is killer. You might recall how difficult it is to sleep (or get your kids to sleep) right before a big event like Christmas morning. Well, the same applies to adopted kids, but with a slight twist. Because of uncertainties in life, disappointments, and then living in an orphanage with little variation, it is almost like this on steroids. Adoptive kids haven’t learned to work through how to deal with anticipation or that with patience comes the anticipated outcome. Rather, they have had too many disappointments and heartaches. Because of this, anticipation can actually almost paralyze them and raise the anxiety levels significantly.

We have lived this out with Elijah. In fact, we often would not tell him about big news (grandparents visiting or us traveling) until a day or two in advance. The reason was that he couldn’t turn his brain off from meditating on this and his sporadic sleep got even worse. This translated into sleep deprived behavior and overall stress and difficulties for us all. We thought it was really hard doing this with one child…and then there were four more.

It often hits in ways we don’t necessarily think about. We fly out from Curitiba tomorrow and for us that is more or less a normal concept (and for Elijah now as well). We always knew this was temporary and have been slowly mentally preparing ourselves to leave. In addition, we have been preparing the kids for this – talking about it, counting down the days (although they have done this all by themselves), visiting the airport to let them experience this, etc. But what for us is leaving a temporary location to take the next step towards home, is for them leaving the only city some of them ever remember living in. The oldest recalls (not fondly) a bit of life in Sao Paulo, but even he shared today that outside of Sao Paulo and Curitiba, he has never lived anywhere else.

None of them have ever been on an airplane. So there is the added stress of this to leaving home for them to go to unfamiliar and very foreign territory. It is in some ways the final cut to ties that have existed and good, bad, and ugly, they are the only ties these kids have ever known. And so we should have anticipated today would be a rough day…and we did…but it still always seems to hit harder in reality. Around the middle of the day the oldest started asking what time it was. When we (after the umpteenth time) finally asked what he was waiting for or anticipating, he said he wished tomorrow were already here so he didn’t have to wait anymore (and this was around 1pm). Much to his disappointment the afternoon then dragged on. We had an epic meltdown from one of the other kids that involved multiple extended periods of crying and screaming. Some at siblings, but a lot at mom and dad who had pulled her aside to try to deal with things. By the way, just in case we have less hair than you remember, now you know the reason why. Another child got a bit unusually upset over something that shouldn’t have been such a big deal (and hasn’t been before). One more was being more dramatic, less willing to listen, and more mischievous than normal. And another was being more sarcastic, irritable, and picking more on others than normal. Mom and dad were trying to get the house cleaned, pack most things, and then deal with all of this things…it is at this stage that we suddenly think cloning ourselves might not be a bad idea.

The anticipation wasn’t killing us, but it was our kids and that was hard to keep in mind. Thankfully our eardrums are still mostly intact, dad was able to get one kid to sit down with him (or rather on him) and suggest that perhaps the new changes upcoming were causing a lot of added stress to everyone (and thankfully this kid recognized that), getting one to blow dry his clothes gave him something to distract his attention (and yes, we are that desperate that we are blow drying things…), and no one died (which we consider a success). Kids did not want to be left alone meaning mom and dad lost an additional hour during bath time and the final lice treatment was put into effect today.

There were some bright spots – a tough conversation to start the day about not permitting a particular popular (and constantly talked about) computer game went down better than anticipated. God was gracious to give understanding and let us think about alternative options that had more safety and security measures. It also gave a chance to try to help kids understand we love them enough to care about what they are doing, experiencing, and playing. Conversations were had that hopefully might lay the foundation for the future and much of the stuff is packed and the house is reasonably clean. We have a late flight tomorrow and so we still have time to get final things done. And the brightest spot of all is that the Lord tenderly guides us through it all. He is never stressed by anticipation and yet He kindly comforts those who are.

Ps – just to avoid any confusion, this is not from dinner tonight…our expressions tonight were far more frazzled, our hair styles were deeply stressed, and we were not this calm…but it is a memory from the pizza rodizio just so you can recall how we looked before aging multiple years in a single day 😀

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Shutting Down Shop

LS

As we prepare to travel to Rio this week, we are starting the process of closing down shop. This involves the normal things like packing, but because of the extended time frame, it also includes trying to work through food reserves. Because of the temperature and seasonal differences (today was 30 degrees Celsius, 80 degrees Fahrenheit and mid Spring…compared to 14 degrees Celsius, 57 degrees Fahrenheit and mid Fall) we used today to hit the shopping mall one final time. Our kids like the mall a lot – the shopping part not as much, but the environment, the food court, and the indoor playground at our favorite mall. Thankfully, we found a store that happened to be clearing out their winter inventory and we raided it. We managed to get 40 articles of clothing for an average of 16 dollars an article (14 euro). This is much cheaper than what the same items would go for in Germany (add this to your list of reasons to visit Brazil…if you say our name enough maybe they will give us a discount next time we visit :)).

Another aspect of shutting down shop is trying to get all the laundry done especially since we won’t have the ability to do so while in Rio. Unfortunately, over the last few days we have had some serious laundry issues. Although the sun has finally allowed us to get clothes dry, the washing machine has decided to stop draining and spinning. So we are pretty much only able to get our clothes soaked. At the best of times the cycles would take 4-5 hours and now for that period of time we now need to hand wring out the clothes, hope they will dry in time, and know they aren’t as clean as they should be.

In the midst of all this, we have kids who are being kids with some learned habits. Our visit to the orphanage made us realize that there are not that many workers especially in relationship to the number of kids. They rotate on a shift basis and so are constantly changing. Furthermore, they have simply become used to drowning out noise. Some of the consequences of this are that the kids learn to resolve things their own way which usually means either getting angry enough to force the result you want or yelling loudly enough to get the attention of workers over the noise of 20 kids and workers who aren’t focused on you. This means we are working to help our kids learn new ways to handle conflict resolution. To say this is time intensive would be putting it mildly. Add into this a tremendous amount of change, the known world being turned all upside down, and language barriers…it makes for some trying times. This also means that getting anything done in a timely fashion is extraordinarily difficult and that we can’t really leave kids unattended for longer periods of time. Furthermore, due to anxieties and attachment disorders, our kids don’t currently want to be left alone either. They want to know where we are and be in discussion with us. We have already started making good use of the phrase, “because I said so”.

On top of all this churning and movement (we feel a bit like the washing machine…unable to manage more than a good soaking with the spin cycle never actually occurring), we found out today the the U.S. Embassy has decided they do want to have us stop by to pick up some paperwork. This is despite us being told that we don’t need to do anything at all in Rio (and that we could actually have gone home a week earlier). Thankfully, by God’s kindness and His good providence, we had decided to keep the time in Rio, but to actually stay further outside of the city. We staying a 2-3 hour drive out, which makes getting to the Embassy much harder especially with such short notice. Our current working plan that our helpers are trying to organize for us, is to visit the Embassy on the way to the airport for the flight to Germany. We are praying that actually works out without any hitches, traffic issues, or problems from the driver who was originally planning to just take us to the airport, not the Embassy and then wait while we sort things out there. They say a little excitement is good for the soul…but we think we are galaxies beyond “little excitement” at this stage.

As we shut down shop and as it seems everything else has also decided to shut down and be as uncooperative as possible, we are thankful for the kindness of the Lord. As inconvenient as the situation with the Embassy is (especially given such late notice), we are thankful we didn’t decide to leave directly from Curitiba. As hard as habits are to break and reform, we do see almost microscopic signs of improvement. As much as we are drenched in water from wringing clothes out, we are…still trying to find a bright spot to this one…but we trust there is something. We know the Lord is in control and we are grateful for His guidance.

And don’t worry, more photos will appear at some stage…shutting down shop just means we might not always be able to get to everything.

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New Experiences and Insights

LS

As we wind down the clock on our time in Curitba, we are seeking to spend some time investing in things which will be unique experiences and hopefully build good memories. With that in mind, we asked our support person if she could recommend a Brazilian BBQ place as we had not done this yet. She encouraged us to arrive close to opening time for lunch in order to get a table quickly without a reservation. We took that advice, but still had to wait about 40 minutes – it is one of the most popular and expensive places in town. The meat was delicious and the food was fantastic. It was certainly worth the experience! However, this trip yielded some confirmation of some of our insights. Our kids get stressed out by crowds. It is the little things that point this out – eyes darting all about, the challenge of not being able to sit still suddenly or always on the edge of the seat, the lack of appetite (especially a pity when an all you can eat place costs that much!), etc. Throw in kids who have likely almost never been in restaurants before and it can make for a significantly more stressful experience than we anticipated. Thankfully we avoided any meltdowns and did manage to get them to use forks most of the time (with lots of reminders).

We went to a park afterwards and the difference was quite noticeable. They were much calmer and more relaxed. The weather was beautiful and it was nice to see the sun shining again after multiple days of rain. The rain also meant high humidity over the past few days – which meant clothes not drying at all. This is especially traumatic when we are basically running the washing machine non-stop. But we were glad that today all the loads finally dried out. The dry clothes also gave dad an excuse to pull the oldest child away to “help” and have a longer conversation about something that had bothered him a lot on the walk back home. Over the past few days we have had multiple conversations with kids who have gotten feeling hurt and upset. These sometimes feel like hostage negotiation settings, but allow us to, prayerfully, start to help kids learn new means of conflict resolution. They also provide opportunities to talk through important issues, learn about communication (and in two different languages), and build trust. Our kids have grown up in environments where when things hurt them, their only recourse was to act out or run away. The concept of talking through things is almost completely foreign to them. In fact, one of the kids mentioned this as a stark contrast to their previous life – no other adult has ever talked with them and sought to resolve conflicts in this manner. This also means that it takes a lot of patience to help them learn this process and for them to be willing to talk with us (especially when the hurt feelings are directed at us or something we might have said).

Thankfully we don’t keep ice cream in the house…otherwise we might be in a constant comatose state after bed time. We feel like regulating our emotions in this way – but instead we are picking up clutter and not having enough energy to really enjoy the 1 free hour we have. Yet, despite it all, we are very grateful. The Lord has done a lot in the last month. We are confident He will do more in the months to come. Progress is slow and painful at times. But God is refining us and shaping them. There are plenty of mountains yet to climb, but we know the Lord will continue to sustain us.

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Final Stages

LS

Today marked another movement toward closing out the time in Brazil. We were surprised last night to be told that we had an appointment for emergency passports today. We didn’t really know what to expect, because we didn’t really have much information to go off of other than the location – in one of the shopping malls. So midday, we headed off toward one of the more (if not the most) luxurious malls in Curitiba. It is probably our kids least favorite (much to our relief) because we don’t buy anything at all, we avoid all stores (because just glancing in the widows risks heart attack), there is nothing to do in the mall, and the food court options are very slim. They do have a McDonalds and we are pretty sure that we have equaled our lifetime trips to McDonalds just in this past month (how does one get McDonald’s to support you?). Thankfully it is budget friendly even though it is not health friendly.

Afterward we went to our appointment not prepared for it to take 3 hours. For all but about 20 minutes of that, we were all just sitting and waiting. Thankfully the kids actually did quite well especially considering that we were not equipped with activities. But a few rounds of thumb war, rock/paper/scissors, some snacks, and plenty of sitting on mom and dad’s laps helped to pass the time. Afterwards the lawyer told us that she has never gotten an appointment this fast – in fact, after tomorrow, there is not any legal reasons for us to need to stay in Curitiba. But because this was unexpectedly fast, we only booked tickets to leave next week. On the bright side, this gives us time to close things out well and figure out how to pack, tidy up, and leave well.

We celebrated with a special ice cream treat (more expensive…although still considerably cheaper than Munich) that left everyone stuffed and fully sugared up. Onwards to home, bath time, and unexpected bumps (dad’s gate FOB not functioning due to waterlog, a single toilet suddenly losing water pressure, no water pressure last night which thankfully returned this morning). The boys do not like to go to dark places by themselves (the outdoor access shower, the basement where the laundry is, etc.). While dad accompanied them, a few small conversations broke out. This is how we start to slowly discover histories – little, single sentences at a time. It is like a faucet that has had the water turned off for a long time – single droplets form initially that gradually, with time, build toward a normal flow. But in the middle there might be some violent spurts. It is piecing together their stories from what they are comfortable sharing, when they are comfortable sharing. It is a lot of waiting, not pushing, and listening closely. Mom has gotten some of this with the girls when conversations about hair have come up. Dad has gotten some with the boys at very random points. Tonight was like this – a few sentences that gave insights into why they are dog shy, why the dark is terrifying. A few days ago, a little more about life before the orphanage. These are parts of their stories that only they have the right to share with who they chose and when they choose. But to maybe give you a small insight into things, dad asked the boys about a happy memory they might have from before their time in the orphanage (this was an attempt to get the conversation going and start on a lighter note). Both quickly responded that there were no happy memories at all. Only bad memories.

We are grateful that we know and serve a God who can redeem bad situations – He has done that for all who are His children. Yet, it is tragic to think that a child’s assessment of the first 7-10 years of their life is only negative. This also gives some insights into why visiting the orphanage is so important to them (Lord willing we will get to do so tomorrow). For them, the happiest years of their lives were spent there. We pray that they will be able to look back one day and see how the Lord was using even evil circumstances to bring about an ultimate good – His salvation and a new family. And we pray that they will look back and be able to say that as bright as the orphanage days were by comparison, joining our family was exponentially better (even if they don’t get cell phones and computers and gaming consoles….despite talking about these non-stop!).

One of the breakthrough points in connecting with the boys especially came during our train ride the first week after coming home together. We would love to share a few photos. We are a bit biased, but we think it is interesting to see these differences reflected in the photos.

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When it Doesn’t Go According to Plan

LS

Today was supposed to be another big day for our family. We had plans to visit the orphanage where the children lived for the last 4 years. They were especially excited and had been talking about the people that they missed. It was very disappointing to them and hard for them when we shared that they/we were not allowed (legally) to exchange phone numbers. This is likely done for precautionary and safety purposes. But, we tried to help soften the blow somewhat by letting them buy some chocolates for their favorite caregiver and as a gift to share with the other kids.

All morning we helped them prepare by talking and sorting through clothing. We managed to get them to be willing to return most of the clothes they came with because we have since been building their wardrobes and we are sure the orphanage could put the clothes to good use. And yet, this is something which is not without it challenges. Although it might seem like a small thing to us and logical (and who wouldn’t prefer new clothes?), there is an attachment and an ownership. These things are being given up and lost.

About an hour before scheduled departure time, as the kids were counting down the minutes, we received word that the visit was going to need to be (hopefully) rescheduled. Another family in town also adopting had a medical emergency and the support service helper needed to be with them. We aren’t allowed to visit the orphanage on our own and so a last second change had to be made. You might recall from other posts, that last minute changes can be especially difficult for adoptive children. This was a hard and very bitter pill to swallow.

It was especially emotional and painful for the one who woke up early, had been talking about this for days, and was really looking forward to this. He was really, really disappointed and got about as emotional as he has gotten over anything. While working to help him navigate these emotions, mom was having to help another thing that didn’t go according to plan – the discovery of lice. Unfortunately it was quite advanced for one child and in the early stages for another. Mom is also needing to undergo treatment as hers is very early on. But this added to the difficulties and what should not have been that big of a deal became even more emotional for the girls due to the cancelled plans.

It wasn’t until later in the day that it became apparent that the oldest was also struggling with the cancellation of plans. His was much more masked because he tends to suppress emotions connected with sorrow or grief. This means it is easy to mistake him as accepting news reasonably well or not being as impacted. But some reactions to relatively minor things by other siblings made it apparent that there was likely a bit more going on underneath the surface.

Today it seemed that nothing went quite according to plan and that was very difficult. Emotions were at an all time high again for the second day in a row. Dad was about ready to take a break from all emotions…this is one rollercoaster making him turn green (and we haven’t even hit adolescent stage for many of them yet!). Mom was overwhelmed and exhausted by the lice – we are convinced this must be one of the curses of the Fall. Yet, the Lord allowed us to get through the day, to have conversations with kids, to try to comfort as best as possible, and to hopefully have managed to massacre all bugs. Thankfully God is in control and none of His plans ever fail nor does anything not go according to His plans.

And, we can look back on happy moments (we try to only photograph these ones to avoid causing ourselves more pain)! Here are a few photos from early on, when we were still in the apartment, in the first week after meeting day.

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It’s Official (or close enough!)!

LS

Today was a big day. Our court hearing was scheduled for 2pm and the suspense was killer. The morning started slowly, but like a tidal wave the emotions began building. You could cut the suspense with a knife by midmorning and it was astonishing to us how all the kids seemed to feel it and feed off each other. Some were anxious to have the court hearing happen and be officially adopted. Others were anxious because they felt other kids being anxious.

Furthermore, we have already learned that certain combinations of kids can cause more fireworks when tensions are high and anxiety is building. If you manage the combinations correctly or remove certain combinations it can change the atmosphere dramatically. There is one who likes to play practical jokes and tease others, who is usually good hearted, but the not knowing when to stop factor drastically increases with stress. There is the other who is overly dramatic and likes to cry or yell when things aren’t to her liking. This is exponentially worse with stress. There is another who gets very stir crazy under pressure. We have one who starts wandering all over, touching any electronic in sight, and generally gets into mischief – all increased with stress. And then we have another who likes to copy the incorrect behaviors and who becomes very sarcastic and disrespectful when under pressure. The temperatures were starting to boil for sure and all these anxiety triggers were firing full force.

But thankfully, when we arrived at the courthouse, things settled down sufficiently. The judge was very nice and very gracious. She was interested in the past month and how the bonding period had been going. After the hearing was concluded, she took some additional time to chat with us. She has some connections to Germany, including family heritage. But she also shared with us how much she enjoys final adoption hearings, because it helps make the other hard days a bit easier. Furthermore she told us she currently is responsible for over 400 children who do not have families. These are all in foster care or orphanages and her responsibility is to make decisions regarding them. She shared this is a heavy burden that weighs on her. You could tell this was more than a paycheck for her. Indeed, she shared during our hearing that she was glad to meet us and see our family. She was especially grateful to know that these kids are now getting the family that they never experienced, never had, and yet that should have always been.

Arriving home, the aftermath of the bubbling emotions could still be seen. A child was very disappointed to learn that our visit to their orphanage tomorrow could not include exchanging numbers with social workers (he wanted to get the number of his favorite “aunt”). Another child started melting down because of the need to deal with her lice instead of letting her play longer. A third child threw a complete screaming and crying tantrum over having to shower in the bathroom that is only accessible by going out onto the balcony. There was a fight over who got to use the bath first…and mom and dad were both trying to avoid completely exploding. Mom managed to attack the lice with her curling iron while dad dealt (not always successfully) with the screamer. After finally getting her to calm down (multiple times letting her scream in the bathroom while he was on the other side of the door until she was ready to talk and not scream), he let her know that a beautiful 9 year old girl does not need to be acting this way. A demonstration for her to see what it is like had all the other kids bolting upright until mom (and later dad) explained this was just a demonstration…even though dad was exploding inside, he was not screaming at her, but screeching like her to help her understand what it looks like. Thankfully she got the picture…but she did say something insightful in the midst – that she was not beautiful. This led to dad explaining that she was actually extremely beautiful, but her current behavior was not beautiful. Her behavior doesn’t change her beauty, but it does need to be adjusted. Words like this likely have a history to them, one we might get one day. Thankfully things were patched enough for her to take her shower and even ask dad to sit next to her at dinner (although dad was about ready to eat in his closest with the door shut in the dark).

As always, there is much more that could be shared and that we will, hopefully, be able to share another day. But with the official signing of the document by the judge (although a lot of errors meant paperwork has to be corrected tomorrow), we can finally share a few photos with you! We will avoid spamming you with pictures all at once, but will start attaching photos to posts (of course at the end to require you to suffer the torment of having to read this all first!).

Today, you get first day pictures from the very first meeting and also a more recent pictures from the hearing today. It is always interesting to us, as we get to know our children more, how much you can see the difference in their faces…uncertainty, insecurity, fear, anxiety, and a little more relaxation, a bit more at ease, a step toward attachment.