News

Rising Temperatures

LS

Today was one of the hottest days we have experienced and unfortunately our rental house doesn’t have air conditioning or fans. We went to church for the final time in Curitiba. It has been a blessing to be a part of the Body of Christ and to have instant connection even if we can’t speak the same language. We have also enjoyed singing familiar hymns in Portuguese. It is always wonderful to know the song and the tune and hear how it is sung in another language. We have had a few conversations and been very grateful for some welcoming individuals who took time to care for us and speak with us. The blessing of hospitality is very real and much appreciated.

With the heat of the day, we spent some time at a park before heading home for lunch. The afternoon was spent starting to pack some of the clothes and beginning the slow and arduous process of straightening up the house. It always seems to be less until you start digging into things and realize how much has piled up seemingly unnoticed. The gradual changes, like the gradual temperature increases, are not noticeable until they have gone quite far. It can sometimes feel this way with adoption as well. The impacts are slow and gradual. We don’t really notice them until they reach a tipping point and boil over.

But each day brings new opportunities and new mercies from the Lord. We hope it might also bring some cooler temperatures. In a few days we will head to Rio de Janeiro for a short time before heading back to Germany. We are thankful for your prayers and encouragement along the way! The Lord is using you to sustain us!

News

New Experiences and Insights

LS

As we wind down the clock on our time in Curitba, we are seeking to spend some time investing in things which will be unique experiences and hopefully build good memories. With that in mind, we asked our support person if she could recommend a Brazilian BBQ place as we had not done this yet. She encouraged us to arrive close to opening time for lunch in order to get a table quickly without a reservation. We took that advice, but still had to wait about 40 minutes – it is one of the most popular and expensive places in town. The meat was delicious and the food was fantastic. It was certainly worth the experience! However, this trip yielded some confirmation of some of our insights. Our kids get stressed out by crowds. It is the little things that point this out – eyes darting all about, the challenge of not being able to sit still suddenly or always on the edge of the seat, the lack of appetite (especially a pity when an all you can eat place costs that much!), etc. Throw in kids who have likely almost never been in restaurants before and it can make for a significantly more stressful experience than we anticipated. Thankfully we avoided any meltdowns and did manage to get them to use forks most of the time (with lots of reminders).

We went to a park afterwards and the difference was quite noticeable. They were much calmer and more relaxed. The weather was beautiful and it was nice to see the sun shining again after multiple days of rain. The rain also meant high humidity over the past few days – which meant clothes not drying at all. This is especially traumatic when we are basically running the washing machine non-stop. But we were glad that today all the loads finally dried out. The dry clothes also gave dad an excuse to pull the oldest child away to “help” and have a longer conversation about something that had bothered him a lot on the walk back home. Over the past few days we have had multiple conversations with kids who have gotten feeling hurt and upset. These sometimes feel like hostage negotiation settings, but allow us to, prayerfully, start to help kids learn new means of conflict resolution. They also provide opportunities to talk through important issues, learn about communication (and in two different languages), and build trust. Our kids have grown up in environments where when things hurt them, their only recourse was to act out or run away. The concept of talking through things is almost completely foreign to them. In fact, one of the kids mentioned this as a stark contrast to their previous life – no other adult has ever talked with them and sought to resolve conflicts in this manner. This also means that it takes a lot of patience to help them learn this process and for them to be willing to talk with us (especially when the hurt feelings are directed at us or something we might have said).

Thankfully we don’t keep ice cream in the house…otherwise we might be in a constant comatose state after bed time. We feel like regulating our emotions in this way – but instead we are picking up clutter and not having enough energy to really enjoy the 1 free hour we have. Yet, despite it all, we are very grateful. The Lord has done a lot in the last month. We are confident He will do more in the months to come. Progress is slow and painful at times. But God is refining us and shaping them. There are plenty of mountains yet to climb, but we know the Lord will continue to sustain us.

News

Memories and More

LS

Today was another high emotion day as we set off to visit the orphanage. The kids showed us around the building where they spent time over the last bit. This was the second orphanage that they were in – the other one was actually outside of Curitiba. They were also some of the first kids to move into this orphanage. Despite this being a “newer” facility, it certainly didn’t have that appearance. The bedrooms had 4-5 bunk beds allowing 8-10 kids to sleep in a single room. There was a large central area with tables, couches, and a small playing area. It was surprisingly small and the boys shared with dad that there was really not much to do in the orphanage. Despite this being the happiest spot (see yesterday’s post) for them, they felt like there was very little to actually do outside of a few computers and a television running in the background.

The kids enjoyed seeing some of their friends and the workers there. They were thankful to give a small gift to their favorite worker and we were thankful to see where they lived. There are a lot of insights that can come from such a visit for us and for them, we hope that it provides some sense of closure. A Christmas gift was rediscovered by one child, some certificates from Tai Kwon Do, and a couple of other sentimental items were brought back with us. We were able to return the two suitcases of clothes that they came with, which will hopefully allow other children to make use of these.

Being in an environment like this is always interesting. The other kids are intrigued by visitors and our kids filling them in on what we have been doing and introducing us as their parents. The oldest stayed in very close proximity to us for the first period of time and kept coming back to check in on us. Even the official support person who accompanied us commented on this. This was in stark contrast to the youngest who shot off like a bullet and didn’t want to leave. Even this gives some insights into our kids and their lives. For the youngest, she doesn’t remember nearly as much from life beforehand. Her tightest relationships are all connected to the orphanage. Whereas for the oldest, he didn’t bond or connect nearly as tightly and he does remember a lot about life beforehand. He was probably the one most strongly desiring a family and has also been the one always the most nervous and agitated when one of us is gone.

We were able to stay until most of the kids (except the youngest) were telling us they were ready to go. It was nice to see them spend some time with people who meant a lot to them and to get to say goodbye one last time. Turning a page to a new chapter also means saying goodbye to the chapter that was…and even if it is a chapter full tragedy and hardship, it is the only chapter that has been known. Newness represents uncertainty and unfamiliarity. It takes a lot of courage to step into the unknown and opening up and building trust are things that take a lot of time especially when experience warns you to put up walls and not let anyone close. We are thankful for the progress we have already seen and pray the Lord continues to work in lives and hearts.

News

Final Stages

LS

Today marked another movement toward closing out the time in Brazil. We were surprised last night to be told that we had an appointment for emergency passports today. We didn’t really know what to expect, because we didn’t really have much information to go off of other than the location – in one of the shopping malls. So midday, we headed off toward one of the more (if not the most) luxurious malls in Curitiba. It is probably our kids least favorite (much to our relief) because we don’t buy anything at all, we avoid all stores (because just glancing in the widows risks heart attack), there is nothing to do in the mall, and the food court options are very slim. They do have a McDonalds and we are pretty sure that we have equaled our lifetime trips to McDonalds just in this past month (how does one get McDonald’s to support you?). Thankfully it is budget friendly even though it is not health friendly.

Afterward we went to our appointment not prepared for it to take 3 hours. For all but about 20 minutes of that, we were all just sitting and waiting. Thankfully the kids actually did quite well especially considering that we were not equipped with activities. But a few rounds of thumb war, rock/paper/scissors, some snacks, and plenty of sitting on mom and dad’s laps helped to pass the time. Afterwards the lawyer told us that she has never gotten an appointment this fast – in fact, after tomorrow, there is not any legal reasons for us to need to stay in Curitiba. But because this was unexpectedly fast, we only booked tickets to leave next week. On the bright side, this gives us time to close things out well and figure out how to pack, tidy up, and leave well.

We celebrated with a special ice cream treat (more expensive…although still considerably cheaper than Munich) that left everyone stuffed and fully sugared up. Onwards to home, bath time, and unexpected bumps (dad’s gate FOB not functioning due to waterlog, a single toilet suddenly losing water pressure, no water pressure last night which thankfully returned this morning). The boys do not like to go to dark places by themselves (the outdoor access shower, the basement where the laundry is, etc.). While dad accompanied them, a few small conversations broke out. This is how we start to slowly discover histories – little, single sentences at a time. It is like a faucet that has had the water turned off for a long time – single droplets form initially that gradually, with time, build toward a normal flow. But in the middle there might be some violent spurts. It is piecing together their stories from what they are comfortable sharing, when they are comfortable sharing. It is a lot of waiting, not pushing, and listening closely. Mom has gotten some of this with the girls when conversations about hair have come up. Dad has gotten some with the boys at very random points. Tonight was like this – a few sentences that gave insights into why they are dog shy, why the dark is terrifying. A few days ago, a little more about life before the orphanage. These are parts of their stories that only they have the right to share with who they chose and when they choose. But to maybe give you a small insight into things, dad asked the boys about a happy memory they might have from before their time in the orphanage (this was an attempt to get the conversation going and start on a lighter note). Both quickly responded that there were no happy memories at all. Only bad memories.

We are grateful that we know and serve a God who can redeem bad situations – He has done that for all who are His children. Yet, it is tragic to think that a child’s assessment of the first 7-10 years of their life is only negative. This also gives some insights into why visiting the orphanage is so important to them (Lord willing we will get to do so tomorrow). For them, the happiest years of their lives were spent there. We pray that they will be able to look back one day and see how the Lord was using even evil circumstances to bring about an ultimate good – His salvation and a new family. And we pray that they will look back and be able to say that as bright as the orphanage days were by comparison, joining our family was exponentially better (even if they don’t get cell phones and computers and gaming consoles….despite talking about these non-stop!).

One of the breakthrough points in connecting with the boys especially came during our train ride the first week after coming home together. We would love to share a few photos. We are a bit biased, but we think it is interesting to see these differences reflected in the photos.

News

When it Doesn’t Go According to Plan

LS

Today was supposed to be another big day for our family. We had plans to visit the orphanage where the children lived for the last 4 years. They were especially excited and had been talking about the people that they missed. It was very disappointing to them and hard for them when we shared that they/we were not allowed (legally) to exchange phone numbers. This is likely done for precautionary and safety purposes. But, we tried to help soften the blow somewhat by letting them buy some chocolates for their favorite caregiver and as a gift to share with the other kids.

All morning we helped them prepare by talking and sorting through clothing. We managed to get them to be willing to return most of the clothes they came with because we have since been building their wardrobes and we are sure the orphanage could put the clothes to good use. And yet, this is something which is not without it challenges. Although it might seem like a small thing to us and logical (and who wouldn’t prefer new clothes?), there is an attachment and an ownership. These things are being given up and lost.

About an hour before scheduled departure time, as the kids were counting down the minutes, we received word that the visit was going to need to be (hopefully) rescheduled. Another family in town also adopting had a medical emergency and the support service helper needed to be with them. We aren’t allowed to visit the orphanage on our own and so a last second change had to be made. You might recall from other posts, that last minute changes can be especially difficult for adoptive children. This was a hard and very bitter pill to swallow.

It was especially emotional and painful for the one who woke up early, had been talking about this for days, and was really looking forward to this. He was really, really disappointed and got about as emotional as he has gotten over anything. While working to help him navigate these emotions, mom was having to help another thing that didn’t go according to plan – the discovery of lice. Unfortunately it was quite advanced for one child and in the early stages for another. Mom is also needing to undergo treatment as hers is very early on. But this added to the difficulties and what should not have been that big of a deal became even more emotional for the girls due to the cancelled plans.

It wasn’t until later in the day that it became apparent that the oldest was also struggling with the cancellation of plans. His was much more masked because he tends to suppress emotions connected with sorrow or grief. This means it is easy to mistake him as accepting news reasonably well or not being as impacted. But some reactions to relatively minor things by other siblings made it apparent that there was likely a bit more going on underneath the surface.

Today it seemed that nothing went quite according to plan and that was very difficult. Emotions were at an all time high again for the second day in a row. Dad was about ready to take a break from all emotions…this is one rollercoaster making him turn green (and we haven’t even hit adolescent stage for many of them yet!). Mom was overwhelmed and exhausted by the lice – we are convinced this must be one of the curses of the Fall. Yet, the Lord allowed us to get through the day, to have conversations with kids, to try to comfort as best as possible, and to hopefully have managed to massacre all bugs. Thankfully God is in control and none of His plans ever fail nor does anything not go according to His plans.

And, we can look back on happy moments (we try to only photograph these ones to avoid causing ourselves more pain)! Here are a few photos from early on, when we were still in the apartment, in the first week after meeting day.

News

It’s Official (or close enough!)!

LS

Today was a big day. Our court hearing was scheduled for 2pm and the suspense was killer. The morning started slowly, but like a tidal wave the emotions began building. You could cut the suspense with a knife by midmorning and it was astonishing to us how all the kids seemed to feel it and feed off each other. Some were anxious to have the court hearing happen and be officially adopted. Others were anxious because they felt other kids being anxious.

Furthermore, we have already learned that certain combinations of kids can cause more fireworks when tensions are high and anxiety is building. If you manage the combinations correctly or remove certain combinations it can change the atmosphere dramatically. There is one who likes to play practical jokes and tease others, who is usually good hearted, but the not knowing when to stop factor drastically increases with stress. There is the other who is overly dramatic and likes to cry or yell when things aren’t to her liking. This is exponentially worse with stress. There is another who gets very stir crazy under pressure. We have one who starts wandering all over, touching any electronic in sight, and generally gets into mischief – all increased with stress. And then we have another who likes to copy the incorrect behaviors and who becomes very sarcastic and disrespectful when under pressure. The temperatures were starting to boil for sure and all these anxiety triggers were firing full force.

But thankfully, when we arrived at the courthouse, things settled down sufficiently. The judge was very nice and very gracious. She was interested in the past month and how the bonding period had been going. After the hearing was concluded, she took some additional time to chat with us. She has some connections to Germany, including family heritage. But she also shared with us how much she enjoys final adoption hearings, because it helps make the other hard days a bit easier. Furthermore she told us she currently is responsible for over 400 children who do not have families. These are all in foster care or orphanages and her responsibility is to make decisions regarding them. She shared this is a heavy burden that weighs on her. You could tell this was more than a paycheck for her. Indeed, she shared during our hearing that she was glad to meet us and see our family. She was especially grateful to know that these kids are now getting the family that they never experienced, never had, and yet that should have always been.

Arriving home, the aftermath of the bubbling emotions could still be seen. A child was very disappointed to learn that our visit to their orphanage tomorrow could not include exchanging numbers with social workers (he wanted to get the number of his favorite “aunt”). Another child started melting down because of the need to deal with her lice instead of letting her play longer. A third child threw a complete screaming and crying tantrum over having to shower in the bathroom that is only accessible by going out onto the balcony. There was a fight over who got to use the bath first…and mom and dad were both trying to avoid completely exploding. Mom managed to attack the lice with her curling iron while dad dealt (not always successfully) with the screamer. After finally getting her to calm down (multiple times letting her scream in the bathroom while he was on the other side of the door until she was ready to talk and not scream), he let her know that a beautiful 9 year old girl does not need to be acting this way. A demonstration for her to see what it is like had all the other kids bolting upright until mom (and later dad) explained this was just a demonstration…even though dad was exploding inside, he was not screaming at her, but screeching like her to help her understand what it looks like. Thankfully she got the picture…but she did say something insightful in the midst – that she was not beautiful. This led to dad explaining that she was actually extremely beautiful, but her current behavior was not beautiful. Her behavior doesn’t change her beauty, but it does need to be adjusted. Words like this likely have a history to them, one we might get one day. Thankfully things were patched enough for her to take her shower and even ask dad to sit next to her at dinner (although dad was about ready to eat in his closest with the door shut in the dark).

As always, there is much more that could be shared and that we will, hopefully, be able to share another day. But with the official signing of the document by the judge (although a lot of errors meant paperwork has to be corrected tomorrow), we can finally share a few photos with you! We will avoid spamming you with pictures all at once, but will start attaching photos to posts (of course at the end to require you to suffer the torment of having to read this all first!).

Today, you get first day pictures from the very first meeting and also a more recent pictures from the hearing today. It is always interesting to us, as we get to know our children more, how much you can see the difference in their faces…uncertainty, insecurity, fear, anxiety, and a little more relaxation, a bit more at ease, a step toward attachment.

News

Reasoning and Logic

LS

If you have ever spent much time around kids, then you know they operate on a totally different set of reasoning and logic parameters. One example is that tonight dad asked the girls to go hang up their towels that were on the bathroom floor. He actually asked all 4 people who used that bathroom…Elijah went up to hang his towel, the oldest let dad know his was already hung up, so that left the girls. The girls went up and then came all the way to the basement level where dad was hanging the laundry to let dad know that it wasn’t their towels as they had a different colored towel. Dad asked them to help anyway and just hang them up. They went all the way back up to the bathroom (one floor above the main level), came back down to the basement to show dad the pink towel (singular) that the two of them had used. Dad tried to tell them this couldn’t possibly be their towel since it wasn’t wet at all and even if it was, could they please just help. They informed dad that it wasn’t theirs and they shouldn’t have to do something that wasn’t theirs. Dad then, in the middle of hanging up laundry that wasn’t his, tried to reason with the girls that he and mom do a LOT of things that aren’t theirs and that if they could please help, he would appreciate it. They went back up the two flights of stairs and as dad was ascending, met him on the basement level of stairs with 3 other towels which they stated to be theirs. At this stage, dad let them know that in the time they had taken to go up and down multiple times, they could have already hung up the towels and been done with it and saved a ton of additional work! You see, reasoning and logic are just different.

Or take Elijah. We are trying (not always successfully), to be patient with him and understanding of the changes he is going through and his struggles. He feels he is always being singled out for mistakes and even though that isn’t true, there isn’t much reasoning or logic that will help him with this feeling. And yet, at the playground he, right after a long conversation with mom about the transitions, the challenges, and why some kids might be “getting away” temporarily with certain behaviors (because we are only correcting a manageable amount at a time), immediately proceeds to try to sprint and play musical chairs with the swings, nearly knocking out another kid who was about to calmly sit down (and clearly didn’t get the memo about musical swings). Logic doesn’t quite apply the way we think it ought to…

Or the kids really wanting to go to the park this afternoon. But once we arrived, the 11 year old wants to sit on dad’s lap the whole time, the 9 year old hovers close to mom, the 14 year old sits besides us, and Elijah has claimed mom’s lap. Again it seems to defy logic and reasoning.

And yet, there is actually some rhyme and reason to all of this – just a different one that what we are used to experiencing. We have kids who have likely never learned how to help or assist others and everything was about rights and wrongs and who gets blamed for what. The concept of simply picking up something that doesn’t belong to them to assist the family is totally foreign…because they haven’t had a family before. We have a son who is ultra competitive and suddenly everything has become a scorecard for him. He feels like he is on the losing team because his tally of corrections seems (stress on seems) way higher than anyone else and he feels he is losing the competition for mom’s and dad’s love and attention. He is also giving us a glimpse into how kids at his school likely behave and all the habits he has picked up from them. We have kids who are still trying to figure out life, love, and limits. Options can actually sometimes become paralyzing things. The park is normally tremendous fun, but as the official adoption decree day draws close (tomorrow), some stressful days lie immediately behind us, and we are getting close to leaving Curitiba, could it be that they are not entirely sure how to handle all of these massive transitions and so sticking close to mom and dad is actually more appealing that playing on the playground?

You see, there is a reasoning and logic…it is just not one that crosses our minds because we aren’t in their shoes. And we try very hard to remember this, but it can be quite difficult when a child is screaming and crying or when one is being disrespectful or when another is complaining or when the volume level seems to exceed maximum capacity. Life is hard. Being adopted is even harder for it comes out of a life that was not in alignment with God’s design. It comes from a life marred by loss, trauma, and suffering. It is marked by differences and emotional wounds.

Yet, Elijah will show small signs of change and will engage in conversations with mom and dad that are not easy. The girls will experience their first haircut and share about missing caregivers at the orphanage. And an 11 year old will feel comfortable enough to sit on dad’s lap (something new and something most 11 year old’s would not be caught dead doing). A 14 year old will want to walk down the street with his arm around dad’s shoulder and dad’s arm around him (which is an excellent arm workout, by the way). We don’t always understand the logic and reasoning, but it doesn’t mean there isn’t any. It requires us to try to take the time to step into their world as best as possible. But isn’t that exactly the story of Scripture? That God steps into our world, experiences our suffering, shame, humiliation. He takes on our punishment, pain, and death. And He redeems what is broken, bruised, battered. He adopts us and He has called us to adopt a wonderfully, messy, chaotic, and beautiful family.

News

Short Fuses

LS

It is amazing how lack of sleep can impact and effect us. Typically it tends to leave us with some short fuses that can cause our switches to be flipped much faster than we would like or would otherwise occur. Getting everyone to bed late last night meant that today everyone was operating on less sleep than normal even though we let them sleep in.

The lack of sleep showed up in different ways – dad completely got the time of the late church service wrong (by an hour)…but we did manage to still catch most of the sermon. Providentially it was about God’s providence! Kids were very clingy in different ways which has both of us stretched even more so emotionally. There is a bit of an almost competition occurring for dad’s attention – some of this developed more normally for the two boys. But with time, it has caused a jealous competitive reaction by one of the girls and Elijah. And it is no fun emotionally being the parent who isn’t fought over as it can feel like rejection and ignoring (and unintentionally there is some truth mixed into this). However, it can also get frustrating for the one being fought over who just wants to be able to walk down the street without arguing, pushing, pulling, and him nearly tripping over kids a million times. And when fuses are short, this is all the worse in the kids and all the harder to handle gracefully for the adults.

In the midst of this, we keep learning and discovering things about our kids and about us. We always thought we were patient and fairly selfless (all things considered)…until we got married. Then we thought God had ironed out all those wrinkles…until we adopted our first son. And then we imagined God steamed out the remaining creases…until we adopted 4 more kids. We are also learning about our kids. One kid told dad that he always wants to go with dad because he really does not like going anywhere alone. Ironically, there are actually times when dad might want to or need to actually go somewhere alone. Yet, this reveals a hidden fear and trauma in a child who might have had bad experiences happen when left alone. And it is kind and caring…so we try to wisely discern when to do solo trips and when to agree to let others come along even if we actually want to have some alone time. By the way, we never thought we would actually pursue household chores…it seems to be the one place we can actually get some alone time…wars might start breaking out over who does the laundry…well, we aren’t that desperate yet…yet…

A trip to the mall after church at the request of the kids proved more challenging than anticipated. It seemed that nearly everyone else in Curitiba had the same idea. We have learned that several of our kids get more stressed out in crowded areas. This shows up in a heightened sense of alertness, even shorter fuses than normal (on top of the already short fuses due to lack of sleep), and other signs of agitation. The indoor play area was a zoo. We tend to not realize some of these contributing factors to short fuses in the middle of the fire burning away at the wick. It is usually only afterwards. Taking boys to the store is usually more stress than help and they typically don’t want to go. But today, they actually did and even though they wanted to be done quickly, it actually served to pull them out of the crowds a bit and reset the fuse just the slightest bit.

In the midst of burning fuses, there are some sparks and glimmers of beauty. A child asking how to say melhor (better) because he wants to tell Elijah that he is a “better brother” (this is where it is actually more helpful when kids give dad the full sentence rather than just a single word as a better translation would be a great brother or one of the best brothers). Small signs of thinking about conversations regarding Elijah and his struggles (see a few posts back – Poolside Chats). The request to know how to translate pela (dad did get the full sentence for this one after requesting context because this word can be translated many ways) in order to tell mom thank you for the food. A sign that he understood that the complaining looks and faces were communicating a serious lack a gratitude (which was probably not the intent).

Fuses get short at times and when they do, explosions happen much faster. Thankfully, the Lord doesn’t have a fuse issue the way we do. He is always gracious, kind, merciful, and forgiving. And one of the side effects of adoption is that God is using at as a tool to mold us more into His image. Prayerfully, our fuses will start to grow a little longer each time through the process.

News

The Never Ending Journey

LS

Today will be a shorter post than normal – which might be a welcomed change for some. The reasons for this will be understood shortly, but we do promise to give more things we have learned and discovered in later updates. Today we left Foz do Iguacu to head back to Curitiba. It is supposed to be an 8-9 hour drive including stops and breaks. We departed on schedule around 8am and nearly 15 hours later we finally arrived at home. Getting stuck behind cargo trucks on one lane highways accounted for about 1 hour of delay. Then there was an accident which occurred about 300 meters in front of us (300 yards) that had us stuck for nearly 5 hours. A second accident accounted for the remaining time.

Remarkably, all things considered, the kids did a reasonable job despite the seemingly never ending journey! Mom and dad also managed to stay mostly sane and kept their cool (although the thermometer was rising rapidly at times!). The horrible delay accident happened close to dusk. This is significant because, as is true for many adoptive children, we have kids who really do not like the dark. And it is always hard to tell if someone is genuinely terrified or more wanting some additional attention, but is otherwise fine. Because we don’t know histories and weren’t there for the entire story, we are left guessing and it is always better to err on the side of taking fears seriously. We know we have at least one child who is quite bothered by being in the dark alone and even with other people (he shared some reasons which might connect to his past…sometimes it is like a treasure hunter trying to put together the puzzle pieces to figure these things out). Other kids who kept trying to turn the car light on even though we tried to explain we don’t want to risk the battery running too low. The one child was showing some signs of agitation (rising frustrations, taking off shirt, closing eyes) and the eldest moved over to help. We suspect the oldest is also a bit afraid of the dark, but his protective and responsible side kicks in during such situations.

Dad got the agitated child to sit with him, the eldest shared that the reason he wasn’t scared was because dad and mom were with him, and letting kids look through pictures on our phones proved to do the trick to settle everyone down. It is amazing how rising tensions affect everyone, including ourselves. Sometimes helping a child decompress actually results in us also decompressing.

Thankfully the Lord kept us safe and brought us safely home. All the kids kept their cools and we are glad to be done with that never ending journey! And we are very grateful that we have a heavenly Father who knows all our fears and is always by our side, holding us as we fight such battles. Prayerfully He will grant us all a good night’s rest so we can resume the battle tomorrow.

News

Poolside Chats

LS

Today was possibly the closest we have gotten to having a vacation while being in Brazil. In case you haven’t gathered this from our other posts, going through an adoption is definitely NOT a vacation despite having to use all our vacation time for the year to make this happen. But we decided to do something very highly unusual for us and splurge just a bit to stay at a far nicer hotel than we would ever stay at which also has 3 pools and included dinner. It was amazingly helpful to have a day to just play at the pools, have lifeguards available to allow us the ability to just have to keep a loose eye on kids, not have to travel anywhere for dinner, and be blessed to not have ministry or work items overshadowing the time.

Dad did need to spend nearly 3 hours to get return flights sorted out. We were thankful he had his older phone with him which both has a Brazilian SIM card (his new phone does not have SIM card capacity) and has the Vonage app still linked to our account which was critical because we needed to call an American hotline to talk to an English speaking Lufthansa representative (dad was not even about to try to explain things in Portuguese). Booking tickets for 4 kids, linking them to our already existing return flight, and then changing our return flight to a slightly earlier date proved more challenging than initially thought. But in the end and nearly $6,000 later, we now have return flights purchased for mid October.

In the meantime, mom held down the pool fort, something not so simple despite all the entertainment. It is amazing how stressful it can be just trying to keep an eye on everyone (actually, even our eyeballs are outnumbered at this stage!). A quick trip out for lunch (Burger King was the popular vote and also budget friendly) and a return to the pool for the afternoon make for a reasonably relaxing day. Yet, in the middle of this there were plenty of poolside chats. One child nearly melting down because she wasn’t tall enough to play in the deeper pool by herself and yet she didn’t want to go to the smaller pool when dad had to fulfill a promise to spend equal time with the older boys (who all know how to swim) as with the younger girls (who don’t really know how to swim). Another child really struggling when he perceived his sisters getting things in the kids program (at the kids pool) that he suddenly wanted. Another child who doesn’t seem to know the boundary between funny and extremely irritating…who does not ever rotate turns…who has suddenly become quite jealous of attention being given to dad…who has also grown rather sarcastic and somewhat rude.

All of these situations present serious problems and enormous stressors. But they also present opportunities…ones that mom and dad are not always in the right frame of mind to actually seize. And not all of those were seized well today, but we were thankful to have a few of them grasped. A conversation about how we can either look at all the things we don’t have instead of all the things we do. A chat about stewardship and how this hotel is way, way nicer than most things we would stay at and so no we aren’t buying additional poolside food (even if everyone else is) and that we have fruits if you are hungry. A talk about how parents are responsible for what is best for children not just what children want…and how cell phones are not happening and why (for the hundredth time). A discussion about the need to think about others, how families share and alternate, and how always simply doing what we think is best or most funny might actually turn a lot of people off and result in not many people wanting to spend time with us. And a discussion with two boys about how a third boy has been struggling as well with the adoption and now having to share his parents…how he has been concerned about not fitting in, how he has been worried about the others not liking him, how he has felt left out simply because of language barriers (not because he actually is being excluded), how he has struggled at school because he is different (the only adopted child, the one who is a foreigner, the one who has had to struggle to learn another language), and how he really doesn’t have very many friends. All of these things don’t excuse poor behavior or give allowances for things which are not appropriate, but they might help us understand some of the reasons why so much of it might be coming out now.

It is interesting adopting older children. There are many, many difficulties that are unique to this, but there are also some benefits. It is possible to have such discussions and to help them think through this some…to see the wheels turning in their minds as they realize how hard it might be to not really have friends (something they might be able to relate to somewhat). To see them process the fears he might be facing because they also expressed almost identical fears in an earlier discussion about what if we were to adopt again in the future or if by some miracle Shan’s adoption was allowed to proceed forward. And then to see one of them throw his arm around him, to see another offer to let him shower first this time, and to see someone reverse a decision of where to sit at the dinner table because he realized his decision would leave this other son without someone sitting next to him. These are the moments that we are thankful the Lord allow us to witness and that really, really help when we are the ends of our emotional ropes from trying to deal with all the challenges, drama, and acting out that comes with this.

The Lord kindly grants us windows of opportunities and oasis in the barren lands. We needed a semi vacation day and are so thankful the Lord allowed us to experience that. And perhaps, some of these poolside chats will help both us as we seek to connect well with and care well for each of our children, but also help our children understand and connect well with one another.