Tag: parenting

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You Just Never Know

LS

One of the things we have wondered many times over the last 21 days is, what exactly is going on in the minds of our kids? You see one of the interesting twists of adopting children who are older is that they are processing a lot more information. With Elijah’s adoption, he wasn’t really able to communicate in any language to tell us what was on his mind. Nor did he have quite as much on his mind that had built up over as many years. Down the road he has had a lot of things that we realize are floating around in his thinking – things very few kids his age are having to contemplate. For instance – what was my birth family like? Why didn’t they want me? If God controls all things, how could He allow this to happen? Why am I so different from everyone else?

These are all tough questions to explain to a (now) 10 year old. We try our best while also seeking to make sure it is tailored to his age level. However, we are aware that the situation for our other kids is quite different. Because of their age differences, it is also different for each one of them. Some of them remember quite a bit more than others. All of them have been impacted and scarred by what has taken place even if they aren’t fully cognizant of this – Elijah’s adoption taught us that vividly. Though he remembers nothing of life before meeting us (or very, very little), there are certain things which have left their imprint on him that given the right triggers, will cause certain fear based reactions. Yet for these kids, they come in with far more history and far more knowledge.

We have often wondered what are they thinking? And how do we create a safe space that invites them to share freely without pushing them and instead allowing them to share when they are ready? What things are safe to ask or mention and what things might trigger emotions that they aren’t ready to convey?

An example is that recently the older boys were asking dad about next steps (have we mentioned a fixation with schedules and knowing details yet?). We have learned that we have a bit of flexibility with the end of our trip. We originally planned to end up in Rio de Janeiro because that is where the US Embassy is located and where a German consulate is also based. However, it currently appears as though the final step with the US Embassy is not needed (because we live overseas and this step will occur when we get a citizenship hearing for the kids) and there has been email correspondence with the German consulate indicating that, as we thought, we don’t need to visit them or do anything in particular as Brazilians can enter Germany on a 90 day tourist visa. So we had thought about possibly ending in Sao Paulo instead as it is a bit safer of a city and has the most flights to Germany. We were going back and forth because our return ticket is from Rio, but we haven’t bought tickets yet for the kids (because we need documentation to match) and we need to change our original tickets anyway. In mentioning the various options and scenarios to the boys, the oldest let us know that he really does not want to go to Sao Paulo. This is the city where they were all born and he is aware that his stepfather is still there. He has a particular fear and anxiety of this city and even though he knows Rio’s reputation as having dangerous sections, he would rather go there than be in Sao Paulo. You see, you never quite know what they are thinking.

Or take today as an example. We had a morning that was spent in church (it is wonderful to sing familiar hymns in a different language!), a short trip to a park, and then home for the afternoon because of thunderstorms in place. Amazingly, things went reasonably well despite everyone having gotten very little sleep due to heat and mosquitos eating us alive (boys woke dad up at 4:30…although truth be told, he wasn’t really sleeping either). Board games were played, a short game of tag (that always leaves us worried the house is going to collapse), and then some time hanging out on the couch in between a lot of fruit consumption (grapes, apples, bananas…our supply that we thought would last a lot longer is almost gone). About 10 minutes before dinner, the boys asked dad to sit with them on the couch. Dad was expecting more small talk or silliness like all the other times today. But to his surprise, the question was asked – how and why did you and mom decide to adopt us? To say dad was caught a bit off guard would be an understatement. He set out to try to retrace the process on our side (recall he speaks Portuguese like a 2 year old who is suffering from speech difficulties) and managed to get as far as the advocacy email we spotted which had about 8-10 available children/sibling groups to be adopted in Brazil. After dinner and family devotions, he continued to story to share about how we got their files, talked a lot, prayed a lot, we quite afraid about adopting 4 children, and were convinced that the Lord put their file in our lives for a reason. It was late, they were tired, and so dad tried to keep it brief and yet still thorough. Hopefully this will trigger more conversations in the future.

You see, you just never know what is going through the minds of these kids. And given the language barrier (this is when dad really wished he was actually able to just pick up languages with ease), things are not communicated as well or smoothly as we would like. And there is a whole world of things we can’t yet fully imagine or grasp and a whole world full of things they are unsure about or don’t know. And every now and then, the Lord opens the door just a bit and we get a small glimpse into what is happening in their minds. Because, you just never know.

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Ticking Time Bomb

LS

Perhaps you have had this same experience if you have kids, but it seems like nearly anything we do there is an invisible timer that begins counting down. The countdown is the time until meltdown, fighting, or other significant disruptive behavior. During mealtime this means that we have to get everyone served (otherwise the table and floor and clothes end up wearing more food), quickly scarf things down, and then clean up afterwards all within the ticking time bomb.

Another place the invisible clock is evident is going shopping. Today, after returning from our trip, we desperately needed to visit the grocery store. The cupboard was quite bare and with 5 always hungry children, that simply doesn’t work well. We visited the airport first because several kids had been asking to do that. None of them have been on an airplane before and they all had questions and concerns about flying. Going to the airport was an opportunity to allow them to see take offs and landings. It actually worked pretty well, but even here there is a time clock ticking…and every child has a different number of minutes on their counter. We attempted to leave before the hangry alarm went off on too many people, but the car was definitely filled with banter that, while starting silly was heading quickly toward hurt feelings and angry yelling. Fortunately we had located a fast food restaurant nearby – we have had way more Burger King and McDonalds than probably any other similar stretch of time. It is sadly one of the more affordable place we can go and the ticking time bomb means that having to wait long for a meal to arrive is simply asking for explosions.

Having figured out the best combinations (yes, we have given up deciding what we would like to eat and are simply eating whatever is the cheapest combo deal) and trying to remember all the likes and dislikes (no lettuce or pickles for one, no onions for another, etc.), we got our food (by the way, we have also learned that giving options is not always the best idea), got drinks for everyone, and had about 10 minutes of peaceful silence while we hurriedly tried to keep pace with kids that acted as if they were desperately starving.

We then set off to the grocery store. Because our car rental didn’t have to be returned until the evening, we were able to visit a super big store equivalent to a Walmart or perhaps Rewe Centrum. The prices were way better than the local stores (making us wish we could shop there more often, but not having a car does have limitations). Our rental car (Cheverolet Spin) had hardly any truck space, but it was still better than having to carry it all (and also the largest vehicle available to rent we have found out). Grocery shopping has a time clock on steriods. There is competition over who gets to push the cart, the need to keep an eye on all children as they tend to wander off, grab things that catch their eyes, touch any electronic screen in reach, etc. It is also having to say “no” to a million things that are requested (no, you cannot get candy, no, you don’t need body odor spray yet, no, we are not buying a television – we have already hidden the remotes for the one in the rental house, no, we are not getting the chocolate pebble cereal, etc.). In the midst of this, we are trying to remember everything we need and grab it without needing to make any return circuits. Having kids help is sometimes more work because it means that they have to be taught that we don’t just throw fruit into the plastic bags because it will bruise and we need to examine the fruit first. Not all lunch meats are equal in quality or in price. Please stay with me and don’t go running off and where did the youngest one disappear to? Don’t touch anything, please!

It is almost like a mini episode of Survivor (maybe this ought to be added into these types of reality shows!). We have to make decisions quickly, not carefully consider all the factors and slowly make our minds ups as we search for the best quality/price ratio. The ticking time bombs do not wait for such things.

However, we managed to survive and bite our lips instead of yell…we are learning how to rapidly attempt to regulate ourselves as our kettles seem always on the verge of boiling over. But, each trip we also see little signs of improvement…all the nos are not quite as disappointing…we are getting better at noticing the time counters and seeing when they are approaching explosion stage…kids are learning how to pick fruit better and work (somewhat) together.

Today we managed to defuse most (stress most) bombs. We consider that quite victorious! Thankfully we have a heavenly Father who knows us at weaknesses and sees our own time clocks, because yet, we have them too and we are learning just how quickly they can tick! He is gracious and patient with us and meets our needs. It is our prayer and desire to reflect Him and His treatment of us to our kids.

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Picking Battles

LS

If you are a parent, then you probably are already familiar with the phrase “picking your battles wisely” when it comes to your children. It simply is impossible to target everything at once – it will overwhelm you kids and frustrate them and leave you playing a real life version of Whack-a-Mole. This applies to adoption too, but with a slight twist.

When it comes to your own children, you know their entire history and have been directly involved in shaping it. This means that you have been working to lay the foundation from the start and so all along the way you have been slowly sifting out certain tendencies and building other good habits. This process is very gradual and allows you to help your child move progressively in a particular direction. Even then, there are certain battles you will battle today and others you will wait until a later time to engage in – all to keep the amount of warfare to a healthy level.

With adoptive children, the adoptive parents are parachuting into a history that already exists. Habits have already been established, the most formational years have all already occurred, and patterns are deeply ingrained. All of this has occurred without the input at all from the adoptive parents. Furthermore, adoptive children have often spent the most time with other children and we all know that they are not the best sources for learning habits and behaviors. This means that one of the challenges for adoptive parents is carefully picking battles. There are a million things that parents can quickly spot which are very different from the way they want their family to operate. Behavioral issues exist which are “normal” for adoptive children, but not in alignment with family values.

In order to minimize the wars and keep the battles at the same manageable levels as for biological children (not an overwhelming level), there are many things that have to be overlooked or perhaps survived. This might mean having a child screaming and kicking at you when you are trying to pull them aside after hitting a sibling – behavior that would normally not be acceptable, but too many battles at once will actually lose the war. Or it might look like trying very hard to remain calm outwardly as a child hears you say no and then does it one or two more times – something that again would not normally be permitted – while you try to talk to the child about respect and listening the first time. It might look like not immediately getting onto a child running away in the grocery store directly after you told them to stay put and instead trying to stay calm and pull them aside to quickly tell them that just because you said it was a joke and apologized does not make this acceptable. And, by the way, in case you were wondering, these are not hypothetical situations. This then compounds some frustrations and behavioral issues for the son who has been in the family longer, knows if he does the same things he will get in trouble, tries them anyway to see if he can get away with it too, and then gets very upset that others seem to “get off lightly”.

If you have been reading this blog carefully, you might be thinking that it sounds like we are writing about children younger than the ones we have adopted. That is another feature of adoption – experts say that for every year of instutionalized care, a half year of developmental delay needs to be taken into account. This means that our children will all (and are) act about 2-3 years younger than their biological age. In fact, we have more or less ignored their biological age and are simply trying to determine where they are and how we can best help them at that level.

Of course, in the heat of the moment, it can be very hard to remain calm (did you notice how much the phrase “try to stay calm” occurred?) and remember all of these things. Picking battles wisely is quite difficult for any parent, but when it seems like an unstoppable onslaught is upon you, it can be downright overwhelming. Thankfully the Lord is gracious with us and is teaching us a lot through this. And this is where we desperately need your prayers! Pray for our wisdom in this and pray for good communication – this is even more critical as we have to be on the same page about which battles we are slowly waging and which ones we are setting aside for a later time.

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Little Black Flies

LS

One of the more unique features of Brazil is that there is a particular very small black fly that happens to have a bite which has a more significant impact than a mosquito. It will leave red welts that last for days. And unfortunately there is one that likes to visit our bedroom around 3am – which doesn’t make for a restful night. The buzzing and landing on any exposed skin will drive you mad.

Adoptive kids face similar little flies all the time. They are so small they are virtually imperceptible and can easily be missed. They are often labeled as just “normal” kid challenges and to some extent they are. You might recall that it isn’t so much that adoptive kids have entirely unique issues (although they certainly do have this due to background trauma) as it is that the “normal” issues are far more intense and significantly more dramatic. But these little flies are incredibly annoying and can interrupt what is supposed to be a restful, relaxing time.

Today we were very thankful to have kept the morning free of scheduled activities. After the long day in the outdoor water area yesterday, it was great to have a slow morning. The kids could sleep in and they stay in pajamas as we almost treated it like a stereotypical Saturday morning (and to a large extent we aren’t sure what day it is anymore anyway). Elijah turned 10 today and he was very excited for his birthday and his siblings were excited to celebrate with him. We had a cake delivered in the morning and spent more than an hour just hanging out on the couch – possibly the slowest and most peaceful morning yet. Several kids decided to get into slow motion film directing with our phones, a small tickling contest ensued, and dad had a couple of kids hanging onto him for a bit.

Lunch was topped by a birthday cake and some small presents – the kids were excited to show Elijah what they bought him. Mom and dad were excited that all the kids enjoyed the few dollar store toys that they had picked out as presents (and noted to themselves to do more few items at cheap prices in the future). We also explained to the kids that we like to do a bigger activity as a present (rather than a lot of expensive items). Next week we are taking the kids to an amusement park which we shared was Elijah’s present (as we are staying a couple of days) and marks his 10th birthday today and his 7th family day celebration on September 17th (hard to believe we adopted him 7 years ago!).

We then went to a local park to meet up with another family who adopted 3 children the day after we did. And that is when some of those flies started to emerge. The first hour at the park the kids were the least active they have ever been at a park. Rather than playing they were primarily sitting and watching us very closely. It was an almost imperceptible thing that could have easily be chalked up to being a bit tired or lethargic. But by paying very close attention and stepping into their shoes a bit, you begin to see the buzzing, annoying things attempting to gnaw away at them. You see, our kids have not been in a situation yet, where mom and dad were talking to another person…much less ones who also had adopted kids. They hadn’t faced not having undivided attention. And it was a new thing which was a bit concerning to them. But unlike many kids who might immediately run up and seek to grab attention, they were almost semi frozen, not sure what to do, but keeping a worried eye on everything. They weren’t even interacting with each other (one of the things that cued us in as that rarely happens). It was a good chance to let them start to experience this a bit, with only one other family, and in a situation where, after a little time, we could alternate going over to them. A few hugs later and some wary eyes watching to make sure nothing changed or happened to mom and dad (or them), and slowly they starting playing a bit more normally.

This is the life of an adopted child – the smallest, most seemingly insignificant issues can be buzzing flies that just disrupt what was an otherwise wonderful time. Again, this is not entirely unique. Young children often feel threatened when their parents attention is captured by something else and this can lead to jealousy. The difference is that for an adoptive child, this is not simply the buzzing of a theoretical concern, it is the biting reminder of an actuality that has already happened – and it can cause an almost freezing level of fear to settle in.

By the time we got home, things were mostly back to normal. There was the stress of not being able to exchange money (the line was simply not moving and it was the choice of wait another 20 minutes or risk meltdown), not managing to find an ATM that was open or would accept our bank card (what are the odds that two banks next to each other would have one closed for cash transfers and the other that wouldn’t accept an outside card?), and getting back to screaming (sometimes in delight and sometimes in anger) and attitudes (the trauma of having to pick up after their own paper mess). And if you read carefully, you can probably figure out that our kids aren’t the only ones who have little black nearly invisible flies seeking to disrupt our lives. Thankfully the Lord is sovereignly over all things, even those annoying buzzes. And we are grateful for His continued, kind provisions!

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A Spoonful of Humility

LS

Being in a pressure cooker the way we feel we are gives lots of opportunity for growth and humility! Having to apologize to each other and to kids because we didn’t act the way we had hoped reminds us of our fallen state. Language struggles continue to point out our inabilities. Reading the Bible in Portuguese and butchering the language is a great way to remove pride. And our kids who find it humorous and try to help correct pronunciation is another great way to learn to be humble and truly grateful for the help. It is a great treatment for recovering perfectionists.

It is also interesting and somewhat insightful to see what our kids say in which situations. For example, when attempting to order ice cream at a McDonalds dessert stand (which we think is a brilliant marketing idea – multiple kiosks in malls just for the dessert options), one son informed that cashier that dad only speaks English because he clearly wasn’t understanding whatever question was being asked. However, when the child psychologist was with us on Tuesday, the same child was very quick to inform the psychologist she didn’t need to keep translating for dad because he understands everything. Little things like this can actually have some deeper meanings. The ice cream situation is one far removed and there is no potential concern for the family stability. But, with the psychologist, there can be a bit of a perceived fear of what might happen if she thinks things aren’t going well (by the way, not just for the kids) and attempting to put things in the best light.

Amidst the challenges of the last few days, we also want to share some bright spots as we seek to celebrate the blessings and victories that the Lord graciously grants to us. The child psychologist shared that she was surprised and how relaxed the children were and how much they have opened up. She especially mentioned the drastic difference from the first day (hard to believe that was only a little over a week ago) to yesterday – something we have noticed too. We have also been quite shocked at how quickly all the kids have opened up as we really expected this would take significantly longer – and there will be harder days in this regard…one step forward and sometimes two back. In fact, the psychologist shared her perspective that the meltdowns of the last few days are actually positive signs in one respect because the indicate the children are comfortable enough to not try to stuff everything in or put on a “show”. We agree and do want to be very thankful for that! She also mentioned how in all the times she has worked with the children she has never seen the second boy so relaxed and opened. We have also been surprised since he was one of the quietest in our phone conversations (and day one), but has actually been one of the most talkative and expressive in the last week.

Thank you for your prayers in our dark moments! We really need them and cannot tell you how incredibly grateful we are for them! But we also want you to rejoice with us and see both the valleys and the mountain tops. God has been incredibly gracious to us! We are extremely thankful!

Regarding the Article 5 problem – we still, unfortunately, have no news. Lifeline has been having some trouble getting communication lines to open with the Embassy and OCI (their direct contact in the US State Department). They did finally get a message today from OCI that their repeated messages and requests have been received – but nothing beyond that. Lifeline is planning to try to reach out to our state representative in order to see if they can leverage some additional weight to get the ball rolling. Please do pray for a speedy resolution to this – there is nothing we can do about it and so we are leaving this in the Lord’s hands and thankfully trusting Lifeline to carry the load. But at the same time, even though we truly aren’t obsessed or deeply worried (yet) about it, it does remain in the back of our minds. Thank you for praying with us for this!

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Little by Little

LS

Adoptions are challenging for many reasons. For those being adopted, the emotional rollercoaster is something that probably none of us can fully grasp. With the excitement comes fear and insecurity, massive highs and dreadful lows. As if that weren’t hard enough, language is different and difficult. Having lived overseas and seeking (unsuccessfully) to somewhat master two different languages, we can relate better to this aspect. Spending a few hours out when moving to a new language group can feel exhausting – the brain is constantly trying to process the new language and working twice as hard because it cannot understand, but is naturally trying very hard to comprehend. We have seen this play out with our kids already – by the time dinner is done, they are all worn out and ready for bed (despite it being an hour and a half earlier than their “normal” bedtimes) and are sleeping in more than they otherwise would.

Rest is essential, as tiredness adds some extra loops into that rollercoaster. Big emotions can suddenly hit over things that would normally be more trivial. And in the initial stages of adoption, it is typical for children to react either in letting all the emotions out with no attempts to regulate first or to stuff all the emotions inside. Having multiple children means that we are actually experiencing both things at once – as some children tend to react one way and others another. However, on the whole, we have picked up that our kids are likely also nervous about another aspect – what if our new family is disappointed by us? This is showing up in apologies given for some slight corrective encouragements (gently letting a child know cutting off the sleeves on their newly bought dress without asking isn’t allowed or roughhousing time that resulted in someone’s feelings hurt needs to come to an end)…things that normally wouldn’t be received with such concern. On the one hand it is very sweet that our children are coming up to apologize unprompted (sometimes via an appointed messenger, sometimes via pictures draw for us with apologies written on them, sometimes verbally right afterwards), and something we do pray will always be on their hearts (to apologize when something happens whether intentional or not). At the same time, we do see that behind this there lurks an insecurity and a deep concern that they might have just really disappointed their family.

And herein lies one of the challenges of adoption – how do we lovingly and carefully correct things that need to be addressed, all the while encouraging and assuring them of unconditional love and acceptance? And how do we carefully pick and choose which things when all the while also helping our other son understand why the new kids might be getting some extra grace in things that he knows he is not allowed to do…and then also helping him understand that he still needs to follow what he knows to be correct for our family rather than imitating others? Lots of prayers are involved, seeking discernment, and attempting to follow God’s own method as His adoption of us has many similar parallels in insecurities, fears, and ups and downs. And little by little walls start to slowly be lowered – time and continual demonstrated love. Some of these kids have built up walls for the majority of their short lives through painful experiences that should never have to be experienced by anyone. Such bricks don’t come down over night…but little by little…