Today, October 12th, is Kid’s Day in Brazil. It is a day in which families tend to do something special together with their kids. Because of this, there were a lot of additional guests that seemed to arrive overnight. The lunch also had an enormous amount of sugar and sweets. The kids convinced mom and dad to set the dessert limit to 3, but after 2 most of them were too stuffed to even try another.
This fun holiday was new for us and made for a nice way to end our time in Brazil. Tomorrow we begin the journey back and in many ways, the start of much of the hardest part of the process. Life to date has had minimal other things which has allowed us to focus fairly solely on the adoption process. We have been incredibly grateful for this! However, that is all about to change as we try to adopt to the new “normal”.
We praise the Lord for the opportunity to finish our trip the way we did. The generosity of some additional gifts make this a truly special last few days! We are also grateful for your prayers throughout this whole time. As we transition back, one of the changes that we anticipating happening is less frequent posts. We have really enjoyed posting as it allows us to reflect back on what the Lord is teaching us. We hope that you have been greatly blessed and perhaps this has given you more insights into adoption. Because of this, we do hope to keep posting and simply plan to change the frequency (to weekly or twice a week).
As we head home, we know many of you may be wondering what type of help would be most needed? This is one of those questions often burning in our minds, but that we are nervous to ask about. Because of this we wanted to share a few ideas. But since we don’t fully know yet and because perhaps you might know another family near to you who has recently adopted, we would like to share some more general ideas.
First, please ask! Rather than being a burden this can actually be very helpful itself. If you know of an adoptive family, ask them what are some concrete things that would be most helpful? Instead of offering specifics that you think would be good, it is more useful and less stressful to have you come with an open offer and a desire to learn what would be best. We don’t actually always know because things change on a dime with adoptions. Transitions often include significant stress and setbacks. This might mean that our needs look quite different initially than down the road.
Second, bear in mind that the most helpful things might be different that what we usually think of. If you are wanting to help a larger family, chances are that you would consider making a meal or offering to babysit. Especially when it comes to the latter, this might not actually be the most helpful for an adoptive family. Even meals can be a bit tricky because we are learning what our kids like and don’t like…so we don’t have the advantage families normally have of already having a list of do not include and another of be sure to cook this. Babysitting is not actually as helpful initially as you might imagine. If you have been following along for a while, you might recall that one feature of adoptive children is that they often struggle to form attachments and also struggle with new people in the mix. Even though our children are older, we have already seen them have higher anxiety and stress when one of us is absent or when new faces are interacting with us. Because of this, it is actually usually best for adoptive families to initially do everything possible to be the sole caregivers in order to help teach kids who to turn to and rely on. Adoptive children can look outwardly very friendly and social – going up to others for various reasons (needs, requests, to be picked up, etc.). And it is very endearing to have a cute kid come up to you. However, this is actually a bad sign as it indicates that the kids have not really attached to their parents. It means that they see all or most adults as equal and the nearest one is who they turn to when they should be turning to their parents. One way you can actually greatly serve and help adoptive families is to redirect children back to their parents rather than try to solve the issue yourself. This really helps the kids learn and attach to their parents and really serves the parents in all the efforts they are making in this regard. This is also one reason why babysitting might actually not be helpful initially – because it could slow down or interrupt the attachment and bonding efforts. However, that being said, there are times and places for both these things (meals and babysitting). Meals especially can be a huge blessing…it just might mean adoptive families are a bit pickier than normal because they are trying to avoid meltdowns from kids who haven’t learned how to try new things. The best thing to do is ask if things like babysitting, meals, etc. would help and to be understanding if an adoptive family says it actually isn’t the best at this time.
Third, some of the biggest help is alleviating loads in order to allow families to focus more on bonding and attaching. This means that things like offering to get groceries based on a list given by the family might be extremely helpful – going shopping can sometimes be a nightmare as kids haven’t learned how to do this or that we don’t buy everything our hearts desire. Getting kids out the door might be a stressful chore for families, let alone an environment that is sometimes chaotic and rushed. Offering to help clean might really reduce a load for parents who are trying to bond, cook, and then try to figure out how to keep things in order. Just because we have a lot of kids doesn’t mean we immediately have a lot of help. Learning things like chores takes time and usually biological kids are introduced to this very gradually. With all the massive amounts of changes already taking place, adoptive children might be even slower to be involved in this because of all the other things they are already having to learn. Being willing to do laundry, pick up prescriptions, help with school registrations or doctor’s forms can all be small gifts that will have an enormous impact.
Finally, seeking to learn and understand the differences and challenges adoptive families face can really be a huge help. When we adopted Elijah some of the most stressful and unhelpful conversations were from well meaning people who told us that our concerns or our boundaries were unfounded because these things were “normal for all kids”. There is likely a good deal of truth to that, but this is rarely helpful for any parent to hear and there are actually some significant twists and turns that are unique to adoption (just as there are others unique to biological children). Being willing to learn rather than conclude or providing solutions is often a great blessing. Many adoptive families already feel misunderstood in so many places and having to constantly advocate for themselves and their children. It can take a great load off just to have someone say, “I would love to learn more about why you are doing things like this or the hardships that you are facing. Would you be willing to share more with me?” It is also helpful to bear in mind that with adoptive children age can be very deceptive. A child’s biological age will likely not match their behavioral age. Taking time to learn and have an open mind can really help families to feel understood and cared for better. Even during our short time in our current destination, we have been very aware of how many people are staring at us and very confused about the strange make up of our family. As unnerving as this is for us as parents to feel like a lot of eyes on on us, this can be even more stressful for our kids who really don’t like to feel like attention is focused on them. Like many adoptive children, we have already discovered that ours get stressed out by crowds, lines, and places with a lot of unfamiliar faces. This produces overstimulation and a heightening of their senses. Learning things like this might help you understand why we (or other adoptive families) might be slower to introduce kids or seek to shield them initially (when they are already facing a tremendous amount of transition and added stress). This certainly doesn’t mean you need to avoid families or their kids, but just know that our situation is quite different and so it is always better to ask and not assume.
Hopefully this give you some ideas for how to be a blessing to adoptive families! We are so thankful for so many who are eager to help and it really means an enormous amount to us! We do certainly want you to get to meet our children, but we might do it gradually as we are seeking to feel out our kids and what their needs are. And most importantly, we need your prayers! Life is hard and stressful by itself – adding in international adoption and ex patriots simply magnifies this! Yet, the Lord graciously works through your petitions and we definitely need you to take us before the throne of grace. We hope and pray the Lord will allow us to meet many of you face to face soon! And we will look forward to continuing to post as often as we are able to. Thank you for taking the time to read these rambling thoughts, for your prayers and words of encouragement, for your laughter and your tears. We are blessed by you!
Halfway Around the Globe 