Adoptions are challenging for many reasons. For those being adopted, the emotional rollercoaster is something that probably none of us can fully grasp. With the excitement comes fear and insecurity, massive highs and dreadful lows. As if that weren’t hard enough, language is different and difficult. Having lived overseas and seeking (unsuccessfully) to somewhat master two different languages, we can relate better to this aspect. Spending a few hours out when moving to a new language group can feel exhausting – the brain is constantly trying to process the new language and working twice as hard because it cannot understand, but is naturally trying very hard to comprehend. We have seen this play out with our kids already – by the time dinner is done, they are all worn out and ready for bed (despite it being an hour and a half earlier than their “normal” bedtimes) and are sleeping in more than they otherwise would.
Rest is essential, as tiredness adds some extra loops into that rollercoaster. Big emotions can suddenly hit over things that would normally be more trivial. And in the initial stages of adoption, it is typical for children to react either in letting all the emotions out with no attempts to regulate first or to stuff all the emotions inside. Having multiple children means that we are actually experiencing both things at once – as some children tend to react one way and others another. However, on the whole, we have picked up that our kids are likely also nervous about another aspect – what if our new family is disappointed by us? This is showing up in apologies given for some slight corrective encouragements (gently letting a child know cutting off the sleeves on their newly bought dress without asking isn’t allowed or roughhousing time that resulted in someone’s feelings hurt needs to come to an end)…things that normally wouldn’t be received with such concern. On the one hand it is very sweet that our children are coming up to apologize unprompted (sometimes via an appointed messenger, sometimes via pictures draw for us with apologies written on them, sometimes verbally right afterwards), and something we do pray will always be on their hearts (to apologize when something happens whether intentional or not). At the same time, we do see that behind this there lurks an insecurity and a deep concern that they might have just really disappointed their family.
And herein lies one of the challenges of adoption – how do we lovingly and carefully correct things that need to be addressed, all the while encouraging and assuring them of unconditional love and acceptance? And how do we carefully pick and choose which things when all the while also helping our other son understand why the new kids might be getting some extra grace in things that he knows he is not allowed to do…and then also helping him understand that he still needs to follow what he knows to be correct for our family rather than imitating others? Lots of prayers are involved, seeking discernment, and attempting to follow God’s own method as His adoption of us has many similar parallels in insecurities, fears, and ups and downs. And little by little walls start to slowly be lowered – time and continual demonstrated love. Some of these kids have built up walls for the majority of their short lives through painful experiences that should never have to be experienced by anyone. Such bricks don’t come down over night…but little by little…
Halfway Around the Globe 