Tag: memories

We landed in Munich on Tuesday after an uneventful set of flights. Unfortunately sleep was hard to come by with economy seats crammed together and kids attempting unsuccessfully to get comfortable. This made for a very long travel day, but we were thankful there weren’t any hiccups with immigration. In fact, we were glad that the immigration officer was willing to accept the explanation that we gave and process everything with no need for further clarification.

In some ways the travel was the easiest part. Landing has been more of a splash down and much of the hard work begins now. Getting adjusted to new routines is a challenge. Kids that aren’t able to go to the park everyday or have mom and dad around constantly is something different…and for adopted kids different is often very hard. Life in the orphanage tended to be much more predictable and monotonous – to the point of already know what the meal plan was because it hardly varied week to week. Life before was constantly varying and it was a nightmare. So change can be extremely difficult to accept.

With this in mind we have tried to make the changes as gradual as possible. Dad is trying to work from home as much as possible and trying to get things done while letting kids climb around him, sit on him, or ask him questions. Mom is seeking to help kids slowly get adjusted to routines and expectations while also making time when possible to go to the park. But it has definitely been a bumpy landing.

Elijah got launched back into school which means early mornings and helping him learn to study with others in the house. Mom and dad have been trying to do some assessments of abilities for other kids and, as expected, there are some significant gaps in learning due to circumstances. It is our hope that we can apply for an exception for the oldest two in order to help them target some of their weaknesses. We don’t feel like the school system will work well for where they are currently at and it also doesn’t have much space to help people as far behind as they are in certain areas. However, exceptions are granted more rarely than finding gold and so we would very much appreciate prayers!

Dad has been trying to get US citizenship applications forms turned in and has discovered the forms are more difficult to understand and require more things this go around…political changes have impacted this area over the last 7 years. Getting four put together took multiple days to complete (and he is still unsure that he did it all correctly). In this process, as he was scanning in various forms, one child noticed old birth certificates and asked dad if they could be thrown away. He mentioned this represents a bad memory and a time he wants to forget. Unfortunately we can’t thrown these out, since we might need them, but it brings back the reminder that dark clouds are present in the past.

How are we doing? Well, we are mostly settling for staying alive at this stage. Jet lag hasn’t been the killer, but when combined with everything else and a host of kids who are overstimulated, overwhelmed, and suddenly thrust into massive amounts of change, it all makes for total exhaustion. We are thankful for the sustaining graces of the Lord and we know there will be hard days and easier days ahead. It is a marathon, not a sprint and the runner’s wall hits often and hard. But the mercies of the Lord uphold us and we pray they are reflected in our attempts to build a good foundation for our family. Please continue to be praying for us and for the schooling situations. Pray also for the many things that need to get done…housework, gardenwork, doctor’s appointments, dentist appointments, ministry, getting back to work…and pray for our bigger car to arrive faster than currently scheduled (end of November). We are so very grateful for you!

Perhaps you have heard and experienced the saying that the anticipation is killer. You might recall how difficult it is to sleep (or get your kids to sleep) right before a big event like Christmas morning. Well, the same applies to adopted kids, but with a slight twist. Because of uncertainties in life, disappointments, and then living in an orphanage with little variation, it is almost like this on steroids. Adoptive kids haven’t learned to work through how to deal with anticipation or that with patience comes the anticipated outcome. Rather, they have had too many disappointments and heartaches. Because of this, anticipation can actually almost paralyze them and raise the anxiety levels significantly.

We have lived this out with Elijah. In fact, we often would not tell him about big news (grandparents visiting or us traveling) until a day or two in advance. The reason was that he couldn’t turn his brain off from meditating on this and his sporadic sleep got even worse. This translated into sleep deprived behavior and overall stress and difficulties for us all. We thought it was really hard doing this with one child…and then there were four more.

It often hits in ways we don’t necessarily think about. We fly out from Curitiba tomorrow and for us that is more or less a normal concept (and for Elijah now as well). We always knew this was temporary and have been slowly mentally preparing ourselves to leave. In addition, we have been preparing the kids for this – talking about it, counting down the days (although they have done this all by themselves), visiting the airport to let them experience this, etc. But what for us is leaving a temporary location to take the next step towards home, is for them leaving the only city some of them ever remember living in. The oldest recalls (not fondly) a bit of life in Sao Paulo, but even he shared today that outside of Sao Paulo and Curitiba, he has never lived anywhere else.

None of them have ever been on an airplane. So there is the added stress of this to leaving home for them to go to unfamiliar and very foreign territory. It is in some ways the final cut to ties that have existed and good, bad, and ugly, they are the only ties these kids have ever known. And so we should have anticipated today would be a rough day…and we did…but it still always seems to hit harder in reality. Around the middle of the day the oldest started asking what time it was. When we (after the umpteenth time) finally asked what he was waiting for or anticipating, he said he wished tomorrow were already here so he didn’t have to wait anymore (and this was around 1pm). Much to his disappointment the afternoon then dragged on. We had an epic meltdown from one of the other kids that involved multiple extended periods of crying and screaming. Some at siblings, but a lot at mom and dad who had pulled her aside to try to deal with things. By the way, just in case we have less hair than you remember, now you know the reason why. Another child got a bit unusually upset over something that shouldn’t have been such a big deal (and hasn’t been before). One more was being more dramatic, less willing to listen, and more mischievous than normal. And another was being more sarcastic, irritable, and picking more on others than normal. Mom and dad were trying to get the house cleaned, pack most things, and then deal with all of this things…it is at this stage that we suddenly think cloning ourselves might not be a bad idea.

The anticipation wasn’t killing us, but it was our kids and that was hard to keep in mind. Thankfully our eardrums are still mostly intact, dad was able to get one kid to sit down with him (or rather on him) and suggest that perhaps the new changes upcoming were causing a lot of added stress to everyone (and thankfully this kid recognized that), getting one to blow dry his clothes gave him something to distract his attention (and yes, we are that desperate that we are blow drying things…), and no one died (which we consider a success). Kids did not want to be left alone meaning mom and dad lost an additional hour during bath time and the final lice treatment was put into effect today.

There were some bright spots – a tough conversation to start the day about not permitting a particular popular (and constantly talked about) computer game went down better than anticipated. God was gracious to give understanding and let us think about alternative options that had more safety and security measures. It also gave a chance to try to help kids understand we love them enough to care about what they are doing, experiencing, and playing. Conversations were had that hopefully might lay the foundation for the future and much of the stuff is packed and the house is reasonably clean. We have a late flight tomorrow and so we still have time to get final things done. And the brightest spot of all is that the Lord tenderly guides us through it all. He is never stressed by anticipation and yet He kindly comforts those who are.

Ps – just to avoid any confusion, this is not from dinner tonight…our expressions tonight were far more frazzled, our hair styles were deeply stressed, and we were not this calm…but it is a memory from the pizza rodizio just so you can recall how we looked before aging multiple years in a single day 😀

Today was a big day. Our court hearing was scheduled for 2pm and the suspense was killer. The morning started slowly, but like a tidal wave the emotions began building. You could cut the suspense with a knife by midmorning and it was astonishing to us how all the kids seemed to feel it and feed off each other. Some were anxious to have the court hearing happen and be officially adopted. Others were anxious because they felt other kids being anxious.

Furthermore, we have already learned that certain combinations of kids can cause more fireworks when tensions are high and anxiety is building. If you manage the combinations correctly or remove certain combinations it can change the atmosphere dramatically. There is one who likes to play practical jokes and tease others, who is usually good hearted, but the not knowing when to stop factor drastically increases with stress. There is the other who is overly dramatic and likes to cry or yell when things aren’t to her liking. This is exponentially worse with stress. There is another who gets very stir crazy under pressure. We have one who starts wandering all over, touching any electronic in sight, and generally gets into mischief – all increased with stress. And then we have another who likes to copy the incorrect behaviors and who becomes very sarcastic and disrespectful when under pressure. The temperatures were starting to boil for sure and all these anxiety triggers were firing full force.

But thankfully, when we arrived at the courthouse, things settled down sufficiently. The judge was very nice and very gracious. She was interested in the past month and how the bonding period had been going. After the hearing was concluded, she took some additional time to chat with us. She has some connections to Germany, including family heritage. But she also shared with us how much she enjoys final adoption hearings, because it helps make the other hard days a bit easier. Furthermore she told us she currently is responsible for over 400 children who do not have families. These are all in foster care or orphanages and her responsibility is to make decisions regarding them. She shared this is a heavy burden that weighs on her. You could tell this was more than a paycheck for her. Indeed, she shared during our hearing that she was glad to meet us and see our family. She was especially grateful to know that these kids are now getting the family that they never experienced, never had, and yet that should have always been.

Arriving home, the aftermath of the bubbling emotions could still be seen. A child was very disappointed to learn that our visit to their orphanage tomorrow could not include exchanging numbers with social workers (he wanted to get the number of his favorite “aunt”). Another child started melting down because of the need to deal with her lice instead of letting her play longer. A third child threw a complete screaming and crying tantrum over having to shower in the bathroom that is only accessible by going out onto the balcony. There was a fight over who got to use the bath first…and mom and dad were both trying to avoid completely exploding. Mom managed to attack the lice with her curling iron while dad dealt (not always successfully) with the screamer. After finally getting her to calm down (multiple times letting her scream in the bathroom while he was on the other side of the door until she was ready to talk and not scream), he let her know that a beautiful 9 year old girl does not need to be acting this way. A demonstration for her to see what it is like had all the other kids bolting upright until mom (and later dad) explained this was just a demonstration…even though dad was exploding inside, he was not screaming at her, but screeching like her to help her understand what it looks like. Thankfully she got the picture…but she did say something insightful in the midst – that she was not beautiful. This led to dad explaining that she was actually extremely beautiful, but her current behavior was not beautiful. Her behavior doesn’t change her beauty, but it does need to be adjusted. Words like this likely have a history to them, one we might get one day. Thankfully things were patched enough for her to take her shower and even ask dad to sit next to her at dinner (although dad was about ready to eat in his closest with the door shut in the dark).

As always, there is much more that could be shared and that we will, hopefully, be able to share another day. But with the official signing of the document by the judge (although a lot of errors meant paperwork has to be corrected tomorrow), we can finally share a few photos with you! We will avoid spamming you with pictures all at once, but will start attaching photos to posts (of course at the end to require you to suffer the torment of having to read this all first!).

Today, you get first day pictures from the very first meeting and also a more recent pictures from the hearing today. It is always interesting to us, as we get to know our children more, how much you can see the difference in their faces…uncertainty, insecurity, fear, anxiety, and a little more relaxation, a bit more at ease, a step toward attachment.

If you have ever spent much time around kids, then you know they operate on a totally different set of reasoning and logic parameters. One example is that tonight dad asked the girls to go hang up their towels that were on the bathroom floor. He actually asked all 4 people who used that bathroom…Elijah went up to hang his towel, the oldest let dad know his was already hung up, so that left the girls. The girls went up and then came all the way to the basement level where dad was hanging the laundry to let dad know that it wasn’t their towels as they had a different colored towel. Dad asked them to help anyway and just hang them up. They went all the way back up to the bathroom (one floor above the main level), came back down to the basement to show dad the pink towel (singular) that the two of them had used. Dad tried to tell them this couldn’t possibly be their towel since it wasn’t wet at all and even if it was, could they please just help. They informed dad that it wasn’t theirs and they shouldn’t have to do something that wasn’t theirs. Dad then, in the middle of hanging up laundry that wasn’t his, tried to reason with the girls that he and mom do a LOT of things that aren’t theirs and that if they could please help, he would appreciate it. They went back up the two flights of stairs and as dad was ascending, met him on the basement level of stairs with 3 other towels which they stated to be theirs. At this stage, dad let them know that in the time they had taken to go up and down multiple times, they could have already hung up the towels and been done with it and saved a ton of additional work! You see, reasoning and logic are just different.

Or take Elijah. We are trying (not always successfully), to be patient with him and understanding of the changes he is going through and his struggles. He feels he is always being singled out for mistakes and even though that isn’t true, there isn’t much reasoning or logic that will help him with this feeling. And yet, at the playground he, right after a long conversation with mom about the transitions, the challenges, and why some kids might be “getting away” temporarily with certain behaviors (because we are only correcting a manageable amount at a time), immediately proceeds to try to sprint and play musical chairs with the swings, nearly knocking out another kid who was about to calmly sit down (and clearly didn’t get the memo about musical swings). Logic doesn’t quite apply the way we think it ought to…

Or the kids really wanting to go to the park this afternoon. But once we arrived, the 11 year old wants to sit on dad’s lap the whole time, the 9 year old hovers close to mom, the 14 year old sits besides us, and Elijah has claimed mom’s lap. Again it seems to defy logic and reasoning.

And yet, there is actually some rhyme and reason to all of this – just a different one that what we are used to experiencing. We have kids who have likely never learned how to help or assist others and everything was about rights and wrongs and who gets blamed for what. The concept of simply picking up something that doesn’t belong to them to assist the family is totally foreign…because they haven’t had a family before. We have a son who is ultra competitive and suddenly everything has become a scorecard for him. He feels like he is on the losing team because his tally of corrections seems (stress on seems) way higher than anyone else and he feels he is losing the competition for mom’s and dad’s love and attention. He is also giving us a glimpse into how kids at his school likely behave and all the habits he has picked up from them. We have kids who are still trying to figure out life, love, and limits. Options can actually sometimes become paralyzing things. The park is normally tremendous fun, but as the official adoption decree day draws close (tomorrow), some stressful days lie immediately behind us, and we are getting close to leaving Curitiba, could it be that they are not entirely sure how to handle all of these massive transitions and so sticking close to mom and dad is actually more appealing that playing on the playground?

You see, there is a reasoning and logic…it is just not one that crosses our minds because we aren’t in their shoes. And we try very hard to remember this, but it can be quite difficult when a child is screaming and crying or when one is being disrespectful or when another is complaining or when the volume level seems to exceed maximum capacity. Life is hard. Being adopted is even harder for it comes out of a life that was not in alignment with God’s design. It comes from a life marred by loss, trauma, and suffering. It is marked by differences and emotional wounds.

Yet, Elijah will show small signs of change and will engage in conversations with mom and dad that are not easy. The girls will experience their first haircut and share about missing caregivers at the orphanage. And an 11 year old will feel comfortable enough to sit on dad’s lap (something new and something most 11 year old’s would not be caught dead doing). A 14 year old will want to walk down the street with his arm around dad’s shoulder and dad’s arm around him (which is an excellent arm workout, by the way). We don’t always understand the logic and reasoning, but it doesn’t mean there isn’t any. It requires us to try to take the time to step into their world as best as possible. But isn’t that exactly the story of Scripture? That God steps into our world, experiences our suffering, shame, humiliation. He takes on our punishment, pain, and death. And He redeems what is broken, bruised, battered. He adopts us and He has called us to adopt a wonderfully, messy, chaotic, and beautiful family.

Often we don’t realize how much we become acclimated to our surroundings. Being in the middle of a storm is overwhelming and exhausting at first, but then you gradually get used to it being the new normal as time goes on. However, what we often don’t realize is that the pounding effects haven’t changed or gotten any easier. The storm is just as intense and the numbing effect is not necessarily always good. It is more of a sign of our senses getting a bit dull. The result is that things can build up without realizing it and then all of a sudden it hits you and the collision impact can seem significantly more violent.

It usually isn’t the first time someone complains about the food options, or the first whining about not getting the desired snack, or the first dramatic begging for everything at the store, or the first exasperation over not getting to do exactly what is wanted this very second, or the first failure to listen, or the first complaint. But somewhere along the line it all catches up to you and knocks you off your feet and suddenly all you can see is the darkness of the storm and the bolts of lightning. It is in these moments that we desperately need the Lord’s kindness and gentle reminders that He is leading us through the storm and that He is powerful over the storms (even as our family devotion pointed out tonight!). And we are most grateful for your prayers and your messages of encouragement! It is always amazing how these are often so “perfectly” timed…almost as if there is Someone divinely orchestrating it all…

A second day of rain and literal storms had us a bit cooped up. A game of Ticket to Ride (the boys were most excited to get mom to play) which managed to maintain attention spans for almost a complete game (ticking time bombs mean that dad has the prerogative to announce final round at any stage in the game and hopefully before any explosions!). Around lunchtime we decided to head out because people were definitely going stir crazy. Although we prefer to do meals at home (for both expense and health reasons), we have found that sometimes it is better for the sanity of all to not always insist on that. So we headed out to a mall to eat at the food court, were able to get more clothes (they are much cheaper here than in Germany), and picked the mall that had the indoor playground (a brilliant marketing concept, by the way). A quick intermission for ice cream (McDonalds fits the budget best and thankfully is popular) and back to the playground. We finally pulled kids away at 5:20pm to get back for dinner and where amazed and thankful that they lasted that long there! We were also thankful for the smoothness in the stores, much better than any other time!

On the way back, the boys asked dad again why we chose to adopt them. But this time they really wanted to know the reasons and not the process or the how. In fact, the oldest specifically asked two things – 1) were we obligated to adopt them and 2) were we going to return them. And then it hits you…the fears and concerns that are hitting them. Though many kids might struggle with wondering if their parents love them from time to time, a unique twist for adoptive children is that question – did they really want me? Do they actually desire me? And are they going to return me?

And suddenly we, and you now too, get a little peak into the storm that they are in the middle of which they have seemingly adjusted to until something builds up enough to hit them…like a tornado of massive magnitude. And kids who have been scarred one too many times ask a question with little emotion and listen to the answer with little emotion…and yet you know there is a waterfall piling up in their lives that at some point has to come crashing down. And it does spill over in other ways – behavioral issues can often be spill overs…it doesn’t excuse the behavior or make it okay, but it does mean it might be the dam attempting to hold back the flood.

This is where language really fails us – dad doesn’t have all the words he needs and broken communication is really frustrating for everyone when it is such a deep topic. Dad can’t manage to hold a deep conversation and try to translate for others and unfortunately this means some people are stuck on the sidelines and others are getting impatient with dad not understanding exact phrases and terms. Before you know it, dad is mixing all kinds of languages together and can’t seem to think in a single language anymore…he can find the word he needs in almost every other foreign language he knows except the one that he needs. Maybe you can picture the struggle and feel the winds of the storm just a bit…

Thankfully the Lord speaks all languages and even understands the combined ones. He is the One our children ultimately need and the One we seek to point them to. And in addition, we try to share with our children that we work very hard to not make promises we cannot keep (hence dad’s favorite Portuguese word – Talvez: maybe) and that we always seek to keep our word. The one promise we do make is that family is forever and that we will always love them (even when we are really struggling to feel it because it is hitting us) and that we will never, ever, ever give them back.

The storm is constantly raging around all of us and will likely continue for years to come. Adoptions, bonding, and attachment do not happen overnight…they can take multiple years just to start forming. And for the most part we don’t fully recognize the chaos we are in because it has become our new normal. And then, every now and then, it hits you.